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The Official JOKES SECTION :)


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Thank you.  Is not the intersection of Mickey Mouse and Lady Chatterly one of the greatest things you could drop into the imagination of a humor columnist?  Anyone who had to suffer their way through D.H. Lawrence's vastly overrated classic (I would rank it as his worst work) will appreciate Ms Petri's mash-up.  I liked the bit about how Mickey couldn't remove his gloves during the love scene due to copyright reasons.  

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A cricket commentary as reported on a facebook account(the late Brian Johnson)


"Sometimes, unintended humour can be the best. The late Brian Johnson was a star performer when on Test Match Special. He once remarked innocently, ‘the batsman’s Holding, the bowler’s Willey.’ When he realised his statement was hardly appropriate he had a fit of giggles. It still makes me smile. Not what he said, but his reaction to it" 


There was all this too (gaelic games commentaries of old)

Legendary witty GAA commentator Mícheál O'Muircheartaigh is an active 93. Thanks to Ferghal McCarthy for these live gems.
-Sean Óg Ó hAilpín: his father’s from Fermanagh, his mother’s from Fiji. Neither a hurling stronghold.
-Anthony Lynch, the Cork corner-back, will be the last person to let you down – his people are undertakers.
-The stopwatch has stopped. It’s up to God and the referee now. The referee is Pat Horan. God is God.
- Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I’ll tell ye a little story: I was in Times Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a newsstand and I said, “I suppose ye wouldn’t have The Kerryman, would ye?” To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said, “Do you want the North Kerry edition, or the South Kerry edition?” He had both – so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet…
Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. It's over the bar. This man shouldn’t be playing football. He’s made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn’t kick points like Colin Corkery.
Teddy McCarthy to Mick McCarthy, no relation, Mick McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation.
I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner Street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them. The priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan Stand side of the field, Ciarán Whelan goes on a rampage… it’s a goal! So much for religion.
He grabs the sliothar, he’s on the 50! He’s on the 40! He’s on the 30… he’s on the ground!
Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar. I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal… the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick… Fox, to the 21, fires a shot – it goes to the left and wide… and the dog lost as well.
In the first half, they played with the wind. In the second half, they played with the ball.
1-5 to 0-8… well, from Lapland to the Antarctic, that’s level scores in any man’s language.
Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now, but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail… I’ve seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park.
Here’s another I recall; " Jimmy Barry Murphy. Jimmy Barry Murphy. One of the ten. The ten who have won All Ireland Hurling and Football Senior Medals. He will be spoken of till the end of time”.
Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy…
Mike Houlihan for Limerick. He had his jaw broken by a kick from a bullock two months ago. He’s back now. ‘Twas some bullock that broke Mike Houlihan’s jaw!
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1 hour ago, TheVat said:

Well I guess that's better than Continue the embalming whilst reminding myself that a moment of weakness doesn't make me a bad mortician.

It is, because the original was a double misdirection joke. The first head-fake is the mention of "autopsy", which leads one from having sex to having sex with the dead. The second misdirection doesn't come until the last word of the joke, clarifying who one is really having sex with. Brilliant!

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