# The Official JOKES SECTION :)

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Sayo, you Party Pooper! LOL

A few of those I have seen before, on a chain e-mail someone made the mistake of sending me. I was quite bored at the time so I replied to each and every one and sent it back with 'reply all'.

I'll dig that out later as it was crushingly funny (well, for an outside observer).

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ok dokes )

Q: What is Pink and Hard?

A: the Financial Times Crossword Puzzel

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If you didn't understand, the boy now ends up with $1000 and the man with$500, exactly the opposite to what they had started off with!
Thanks for the explanation! Saves me having to burn up bandwidth with PMs to Dave on all the tough math problems.

Two nuns bicycling down a cobbled street. The first one says, "I've never come this way before."

The second one replies, "Must be the cobbles."

If you didn't understand, PM Dave.

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Two jokes in one - bonus!

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I believe in the value-added approach!

Actually, I tried to smiley my beastly sarcasm but it put the grin at the top of the post.

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort up the mountains. They registered on Saturday but had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.

The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love".

The old man replied, "I see...well, would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

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2 chem students had just completed their exams and were ready to go out and celebrate on a fishing trip with plenty of booze.

the Lab was about to be locked up soon soon so hurriedly one of them grabs the clear bottle of Ethanol off the top shelf and stuffs it into his bag while looking to see if the teachers coming to lock up. they both leave without getting caught.

soon after theyre on the boat in the sunshine doing some fishing and one of them takes the bottle out of the bag, opens it and starts to drink, a little while latter he goes to releive himself at the other end of the boat, while hes away the other one decides to have a drink too, looks at the bottle and to his Horror it reads Sulphuric Acid!!!

he shouts to his mate, "Dont drink any of that stuff in the bottle!, it`s Sulphuric Acid!!!"

his mate replies "I know, I just pissed a hole in the back deck"

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A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late: a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smartass in the back of the classroom asked, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" The class exploded in laughter.

When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand!"

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A blonde walks into a hotel and chekcs in. The night, she goes to the bar and has a drink. To her amazement, the tumbler is twice as big as a normal tumbler. With this, she asks the waitress, "Why is everything so big?" The waitress says, "Well, it just is. Everything in this hotel is big!"

After that, the blonde gooes and tries to look for her room. She enters a dark room and suddenly falls into a swimming pool. The blonde cries out "Please! Don't flush!"

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What's the best form of birth control after 50?

-Nudity

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?

-None, they just sit there in the dark and b!tch.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,

caring, and good looking?

-Because those men already have boyfriends.

What do you call a smart blonde?

-A golden retriever.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.

Who has the biggest boobs?

-The blonde, because she's 18.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

-Because they have cotton balls.

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?

-Her navel.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

-A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

-"Are you sure it's mine?"

<deleted>

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying

at half mast?

-They're hiring.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

-He walks around saying "Yo."

<deleted>

What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern

zoo?

-A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front

the cage, along with a recipe.

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There were two priests that rode their bicycles to church every Sunday. One Sunday the first priest shows up without his bike. The other priest asks him where it is and the first priest says, "I think it was stolen!"

The other priest says, "In today's sermon, read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal', someone will confess to the theft."

Later they saw each other and the first priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the other priest asks.

The first priest says, "Well, kind of. When I was reading the commandments and I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it."

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An old man lived alone in the country. His only son was in prison for bank robbery, and the old man had no one to turn the dirt in his vegetable garden.

The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the MONEY!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any money.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.

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I have a long one:

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he sees a sign

out of the corner of his eye... it reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES

He thinks that he is imagining things and drives on..when he sees

another sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES

Suddenly he realizes that these signs are for real..when he sees another

sign:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - Next Right

His curiosity gets the b est of him and he pulls into the drive...on the

far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next

to the door reading: SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in

a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in

He is led through many winding passages and is soon disoriented.The nun

stops at a closed door and tells the man, please knock on this door.

He does as he is told and another nun in a long black habit, holding a

This nun instructs him, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway". He gets a$100 out of his wallet and puts it in the cup.

He trots down the hallway and slips through the door, pulling it shut

behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the

parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN F*CKED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

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I came across am man sitting on the side of a bridge one day looking quite dejected. A bit concerned, I decided to ask what was wrong. He looked me in the eye and said, "You see this bridge? I built this bridge with my own two hands, yet they don't call me Bob the bridge builder." He then proceded to point at the homes in the valley below and said, "Those houses, I built those as well, and yet they don't call me Bob the house builder." He then hung his head and sighed before looking me in the eye once again and saying in a barely audible voice, "But have sex with just one goat......"

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A redneck and a man from England were up for the same job in the States. They were both put in a room and given a 10 question test to complete to determine who would get hired.

After completing the test, the manager brought them both into his office and, even though both men had scored identically on the test, he gave the job to the Englishman.

"Hold on, here!" cried the redneck. "I'm an American! If we both got the same score, why wouldn't you hire me over some foreigner?"

The manager said, "Actually it's because of the one question you both missed. For #5 he wrote 'I don't know' and you wrote 'Me neither'.

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"But have sex with just one goat......"
ROTFLMAO!!!!

I wish we had a way to rate each joke without quadrupling the posts, 'cause there have been some really great ones!

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yeah. I think this is going to become one of the hottest and longest threads on the science forums!

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Some great quotes from the past:

"I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart

"If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -Dorothy Parker

"Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even." -Will Rogers

"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." -- David Friedman

"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things." -- Woody Allen

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." - Lily Tomlin

"It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."--Steven Wright

"I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise."--Red Skelton

"When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."--Norm Crosby

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

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A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?”

“No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?”

Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says, winking.

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re pinching my testicles.”

Cripes.

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This joke thread is abhorrant to me. It doesn't contain the ATP joke.

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I came across am man sitting on the side of a bridge one day looking quite dejected. A bit concerned, I decided to ask what was wrong. He looked me in the eye and said, "You see this bridge? I built this bridge with my own two hands, yet they don't call me Bob the bridge builder." He then proceded to point at the homes in the valley below and said, "Those houses, I built those as well, and yet they don't call me Bob the house builder." He then hung his head and sighed before looking me in the eye once again and saying in a barely audible voice, "But have sex with just one goat......"
My nephew told a version of this the other night at a party, using a Scottish accent and saying "...but did they call me Haggis the Wall-Builder? Nooooooo." But he ended with, "...but screw a goat...." He had everyone in stitches with the accent but I told him later the punch was too short and it would be funnier with the ending I heard on SFN, "But hav sex with joost one GOOT...."
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This joke thread is abhorrant to me. It doesn't contain the ATP joke.
About the ATP button in the airplane loo?

If not, don't stand on ceremony...

What's "ATP"?

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The only ATP I know is Adenosine Triphosphate (the energy transfer structure in respiration).

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I was going to say the union of professional tennis players, but then I realised the T and P are the other way around.

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