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The Official JOKES SECTION :)

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well in my line of work* I try not to assume anything, and the unexpected is a regular and frequent occurance, I`ll chalk this one up to a pleasant surprise :)

* Surprise testing officer

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Here is a good one, especially if you hate microsludge*

 

Bill Gates dies and goes to St. Peter. St. Peter tells him "You have an equal amount of things that you have done good and things that you have done bad. So, I'll give you a choice of going to hell or heaven"

 

St. Peter first takes him to hell, and Gates sees beautiful women and brilliant gardens and all. Then, he is taken to heaven where he sees paradise. But, it was not as convincing as hell. Gates chooses hell. St. Peter says" Ok. I'll come after a week to check that everything is alright"

 

A week later, St. Peter comes to see that Gates is being tortured by old ladies. Horrible, Horrible stuff. Gates says "Hey, what I saw wasn't like this. It was MUCH better than this? What happened?"

 

St. Peter replies "That was a demo"

 

 

 

*Name made up by Capn' Refshmatt if I remember correctly in the Spyware thread for Microsoft!

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A patient walks into the GP's office and sits down, "whats the matter?" the doctor asks

"i think im a moth" replies the patient. "well you dont need a GP you need a psychatrist", "i know" replies the patient. "well why did you come in here?" the doctor asks.

"because the light was on" replied the patient

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Q:What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

 

A:Wipped his a$$!

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Two cannibals are having lunch. One says, "Boy, your wife sure makes good soup!"

The other one says, "Yeah, but I'm going to miss her."

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lol! here is another:

 

A woman thinks that her husband is cheating on her, so, when the husband kisses her goodbye and leaves the house, she takes a shotgun, aims and fires, but she misses

 

When he comes bag, she hugs him and says "Oh, i missed you!"

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You probably won't get this unless you're from the UK, but nevermind:

 

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

 

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

 

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".

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two cannibals are walking along the beach and find robinson crueso (bad spelling) washed up. being cannibals they decide to start munching, "you start at the head and ill start at the feet" one says to the other. alittle while later one looks up and says to his mate "hows it going up there?" , "yea good mate, im having a ball!" he replied

"Well slow down youre eating to fast!!" the first exclaimed

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You probably won't get this unless you're from the UK' date=' but nevermind:

 

2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them. He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave. "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and he agrees.

 

They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

 

The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers. "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".[/quote']

 

i'm not sure if it's a compliment or otherwise, please feel free to correct me, but is this what's referred as the Dry, British Humor?

 

also, is that considered a complement or an insult?

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i'm not sure if it's a compliment or otherwise' date=' please feel free to correct me, but is this what's referred as the [b']Dry, British Humor[/b]?

 

also, is that considered a complement or an insult?

 

That is indeed British Humour, and I don't take it as an insult :)

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-Can you get cornered in a round room?

-Why is chopsticks the easiest thing to play on the piano' date=' but the most difficult things to eat with?

-Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit? In the case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, therefore NOT be blocking the exit.

-Why, on a phone, is 0 after and not before 1?

-If the planet 'mars' had earthquakes, would they be called 'marsquakes'?

-If a missing person sees their picture on a poster that offers a reward, would they get the money?

-If you were a genie, what would you do if a person gave you this wish 'I wish you would not grant me this wish'?

-Why on Earth does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

-Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat-food?

-What would a fly without wings be called? A walk?

-Why do mattresses have designs on them? Aren't they going to be covered with sheets?

-If scientists were going to figure out something about time travel, wouldn't we be seeing scientists from the future?

-How come car keys, are the only keys that have teeth on both sides?

-Who gets to keep the coins thrown in a wishing well?

-Can a person cry under water?

-You know Roadrunner, the cartoon? If Acme's stuff doesn't work, why does the coyote still buy from them?

-Why does a round pizza come in a square cardboard box?

-If CD's in a CD player were spun backwards, would it say everything backwards?

-If lava melts rock ,then why doesn't it melt the volcano itself?

-If a criminal turns him or herself in, shouldn't he or she get the reward money?

-Why do birds bob their heads while they walk?

-What would happen if all the people in the world were to flush their toilets all at the same time?

-Why isn't the letters Q and Z included on the normal telephone?

-According to the saying "easier said than done', is there anything easier done than said?

-Do fish ever get thirsty?

-In a hamburger bun, why is the bottom bun always smaller than the top one?

[/quote']

 

Why does everyone make fun of me when I answer the questions? ;)

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Well, most of them can be attributed to the messed up English language. For the others:

-Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit? In the case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, therefore NOT be blocking the exit.

True, if it is an emergency exit. If it is just an exit, then people may need to get by.

 

-Why, on a phone, is 0 after and not before 1?

Back in the days of pulse tone, one pulse = 1, two pulses = 2, and so on. But you can't have zero pulses, so when you dial "0," it would send ten pulses. Think of a rotary telephone, the dial mechanically pulses the line, the more you turn the dial, the more pulses, so zero was put last.

 

-If a missing person sees their picture on a poster that offers a reward, would they get the money?

If the missing person has information that leads to the capture of a kidnapper or something, then I would say so. I'm not sure who puts up reward money for missing persons, but presumably their families, in which case it wouldn't matter.

 

-Why on Earth does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

The prefix "in-" does not indicate negation, it comes from the word "inflame."

 

-Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat-food?

Does the mouse really care? Most people aren't very fond of mice, so it's not very good advertising.

 

-Why do mattresses have designs on them? Aren't they going to be covered with sheets?

You've got to keep the padding together anyway, so the stitching is necessary. As for the patterns and printed designs, it's just advertising. People are more likely to buy it if it looks nice.

 

-If scientists were going to figure out something about time travel, wouldn't we be seeing scientists from the future?

http://www.mkaku.org/articles/phys_time_travel.shtml - Michio Kaku

It's very funny, worth a read.

 

-How come car keys, are the only keys that have teeth on both sides?

Other locks have teeth on both-sides, and are actually more secure (harder to pick). Many [older] cars have only one set of teeth.

 

-Who gets to keep the coins thrown in a wishing well?

Many times they go to charities, but it depends who owns it.

 

-Can a person cry under water?

I've heard that you can, but have never tried it.

 

-You know Roadrunner, the cartoon? If Acme's stuff doesn't work, why does the coyote still buy from them?

I think the Acme stuff works, only the coyote isn't very good at using it. He doesn't make very good connections when hooking up the Trinitrotolulene. After he sticks his face down next to it and jiggles the wires, it detonates properly.

 

-Why does a round pizza come in a square cardboard box?

Circular cardboard boxes are hard to make.

 

-If CD's in a CD player were spun backwards, would it say everything backwards?

I don't think so, because the CD has other instructions on it in order to tell the cd player how to "act." These instructions wouldn't be understood backwards. This does work for vinyl, however.

 

-If lava melts rock ,then why doesn't it melt the volcano itself?

It does, to an extent. But you have to consider that the liquid lava is already close to its melting temperatures, so it doesn't have much energy to give to the surrounding rock (solid lava). If you take solid water (ice) and pour liquid "ice-water" on it, not much of the ice will melt. The same is true with solid and liquid lava.

 

-If a criminal turns him or herself in, shouldn't he or she get the reward money?

I don't think so. You lose some of your rights when you commit a felony.

 

-Why do birds bob their heads while they walk?

Birds with eyes on the sides of their heads have a wide range of vision. However, their field of vision from each of their eyes overlaps with the other by very little. Therefore, they bob their heads to gain depth perception, by viewing the same thing from two different angles.

 

-What would happen if all the people in the world were to flush their toilets all at the same time?

I'm betting it wouldn't be a good idea.

 

-Why isn't the letters Q and Z included on the normal telephone?

They aren't used very much in the english language, so they were omitted whenever they set up the phone system. However, they are being "squeezed in" on most cellular phones nowadays.

 

-According to the saying "easier said than done', is there anything easier done than said?

Most of your body processes. Chewing food, swallowing it, digesting it, absorbing it. But the biggest of all: Thinking. Because we can't explain it, but we do it all the time.

 

-Do fish ever get thirsty?

Fish "drink" water all the time and extract oxygen for their cells. So I guess you could say they get "thirsty" when taken out of water or in water with low oxygen content.

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Okay, we need more funny:

 

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

 

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

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Two guys, standing at night on a bridge after having had a few pints, both decide to relieve themselves over the side. The first, in an attempt to impress, says, "Water sure is cold." The second replies, "Yeah. Deep, too."

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Bush is sleepless one night when the ghost of George Washington appears before him. Bush says, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

Washington tells him, "Be honest and set a good example like I did." Then he vanishes.

Bush thinks, yeah right, like that's ever going to happen. Suddenly the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears before him. Bush asks him, "Tom, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

Jefferson tells him, "Put the general welfare of the people ahead of the greed of big business." Then he vanishes.

Bush snickers to himself but suddenly the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears before him. Bush asks, "Abe, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?"

Lincoln replies, "Go to the theater."

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An elderly man and his wife are rocking on their front porch. The man says to her, "Mabel, I have to confess something to you. I cheated on you three times in the forrty-nine years we've been married."

Mabel looks over at him and says, "I know", then stands up, goes inside and comes out with a shoebox. She tells him, "After your first affair, I started having affairs myself." She opens the box and inside are a couple of dozen kernels of corn and over fifteen thousand dollars in cash. He asks, "What's this?"

Mabel says, "Every time I had an affair, I put a kernel of corn in this box."

His eyes widen as he counts them, then he asks, "Where did you get the cash?"

Mabel says, "Every time I got up to a bushel, I'd sell it!"

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A guy had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to kill himself, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

 

The doctor said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to fix it is to remove your testicles."

 

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

 

On his way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

 

He walks in and the tailor greets him and says, "Hello sir, I see you want a suit. I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

 

"Wow! How did you know that?" asked the man.

 

"Sir, I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

 

"Sure" says the man.

 

The tailor says, "I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

 

"Wow, what a great talent!" says the man.

 

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

 

"Ok, see if you can guess my size", said the man.

 

"Easy, 36" said the shopkeeper.

 

"Nope, 30" replied the man.

 

The tailor says, "Impossible, a size 30 would squish your testicles against your spine and you'd get a headache".

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me,can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

"The man below replied "You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer" said the balloonist.

"I am" he replied. "How did you know?".

"Well," answered the balloonist, "Everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The man responded, "You must be in management."

"I am" she replied, "But how did you know?"

 

"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

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A man goes to a doctor for his annual check-up. After performing some tests, the doctor comes into the examining room with a serious look on his face. The man immediately senses something is wrong.

MAN: What the matter, Doc?

DOCTOR: Well... I'm afraid you don't have long to live.

MAN: I don't believe this. How long do I have?

DOCTOR: Uh... 10.

MAN: Ten what? Years? Months?

DOCTOR: 9...8...7....

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"How did you break your leg?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he wrapped the cast.

 

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

 

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

 

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the

farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful

daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

 

I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure,

I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know.

"I reckon not" I replied ...

 

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"

 

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what

she meant, I fell off the roof!"

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A young bloke has started work on at a large ranch, and the boss sends him up

the back paddocks to do some fencing work, come evening hasn't returned.

The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

 

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I hit a pig!"

 

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the

carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

 

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've

tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss.

I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

 

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .38 under the tarp in the back. Get

that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass

off the road and come on home."

 

"Okay, boss."

 

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young

fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

 

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

 

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

 

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

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A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother

with a question that had been puzzling him for most of the day

"Mom" he asks "why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, the color is symbolic of the bride's purity of

spirit and devotion."

 

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

 

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."

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