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The Official JOKES SECTION :)


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QUESTION: Where do Hairy Balls come from?


ANSWER: They can be found growing on a 6 foot tall deciduous plant.

The scientific name for the plant is Gomphocarpus physocarpus, but its common name is the "Hairy Ball" plant.

FYI: Gompho means club, carpus means fruit, physo means bladder, and again carpus means fruit.


Reminds me of a Triffid.

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The 2nd grade class has a new math teacher. He starts by giving them a simple math problem to assess their reasoning ability.


"Ok boys and girls," he says, "A train is leaving New York for Chicago at 8 in the morning and is travelling at 40 miles per hour. One hour later, another train in the opposite direction, is leaving Chicago for New York but is travelling at 60 miles per hour. Now, from what I have just told you, can you tell me how old I am?"


The class all look at him with blank stares on their little faces.


"Come on, kids," he says after some minutes of deafening silence, "One of you can surely work out what's my age."


"You're 44," squeaks a small voice from the back of the class. It's little Tommy.


"That's correct," the teacher says, "Now, can you tell the class how you knew that I'm 44?"


"Well sir," explains Tommy, "I have an elder brother who is 22 and he is half-crack. Therefore, you have to be 44!"

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A woman goes to her parish priest after mass one Sunday with a problem.


"Father, I've just bought this parrot but I had no idea that her previous owner was a hooker. She repeats all those awful things she heard in the brothel. Oh, it's so embarrassing when I have guests."


"Oh, you don't have a problem, my child," says the priest, "You see, I also have 2 parrots, Mike and Paddy. But they're always reciting the Our Father and the Hail Mary with their rosaries because they've heard me praying at mass, So why let your parrot stay with Mike and Paddy for a while? I'm sure that in a few weeks, she too will be praying like them."


So the woman brings over the parrot, Mike and Paddy are huddled in a corner reciting the rosary.


"Hi guys!" squawks the parrot as she enters the cage, "My name is Polly and I'm a hooker. Do you guys want to have some fun?"


Mike opens his eyes wide then turns to Paddy, "You can put away those rosary beads now, Paddy. Our prayers have been answered!"

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Wildcat Willy and Cactus Jack McGee...


A young man walks into a bar and sits on the stool, he calls the bartender over and says...


"Give me a shot of your best whiskey, I'm a gun fighter, the fastest gun in the west!


The Bartender sits a shot of whiskey in front of him and says...


I've never heard of Wild Cat Willy, are you as good as Cactus Jack McGee?


Wild Cat Willy laughs loudly and says...


"Cactus Jack! Hell he is old, he is a has been I could out shoot him any day and twice on Sunday"


The Bartender smiles and says...


"See that gentleman sitting at the end of the bar drinking a beer? He is Cactus Jack and I think he heard what you just said"


Wild Cat Willy gets a panicked look and immediately slides down the bar to where Cactus Jack is sitting and says...


"Mr McGee, you are my hero, you inspired me to become a gun fighter I know everything you have ever done!"


Cactus Jack looks at him a moment and says,"let me see your guns son"


Willy pulls out his pearl handled revolvers to show Cactus Jack and Cactus jack says...


"Good looking guns there boy, but can you hit anything with them?"


"You bet" says Willy and he draws his right hand gun and proceeds to shoot the right hand cuff link off the piano player in one shot....


Cactus jack says, "Impressive son but can you shoot with your left hand??


"Of course" says Willy and he pulls his left pistol and shoots the other cuff link off the piano player...


"Very Impressive" says Jack...


Willy asks, "Mr McGee, being the great gun fighter you are can you give me any advice that would be helpful?"


"Sure" replies Cactus Jack, "The first thing you need to do is go back to the Kitchen and ask the chief for a hand full of lard..."


Lard? asks willy, "how can lard help me?"


"Well" says Jack, "you want to take that lard and cover your guns with it, make sure you cover them real good with that lard..."


Willy looks puzzled, "Mr McGee, that will make my guns so slippery I wouldn't be able to hold onto them, in a gun fight I might drop them and not be able to defend myself!"


"Yes" replies Jack, "but when Wyatt Earp gets finished playing the piano you are gonna want them guns to be well lubricated...."

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A priest is hearing confessions and an old man comes into the confessional box.


"Father." he begins in a wheezing voice, "I'm married over 50 years and I've never once looked at another woman. But recently, my wife was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I had to hire a night nurse to take care of her. Now Father, this nurse is very young and attractive, and she walks around in some very skimpy blouses. But, last night when we were both alone in the kitchen, I just couldn't control myself. I held her around her waist. Then I began kissing her. And the next thing I knew, I'm on the kitchen table making passionate love to this young girl while my poor wife is groaning on her sick bed upstairs".


"Our Lord is a merciful God," the priest says, "Say 3 Hail Marys, repent and sin no more. Your sins are forgiven. Now, when was your last confession?"


"I've never been to confession," the old man replies.


"A good catholic and you've never been to confession?"


"But I'm not a catholic," the old man explains.


"You're not a catholic?"


"No. I'm a jew." the old man says.


"A JEW!!! So why are you telling me all of this for?"


"I'm so excited, I'm telling everybody!"

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A tourist go to Sevilla Spain to watch the corrida (bullfighting)

The same evening he goes to a restaurant next the arena, he seats under the pergola and looks at the catalog for his preferred paella.

At a moment he sees the waiter presenting a superb dish on a giant plate, fuming smelling wonderful, on the next table.

He asks the waiter: "what is that?"

_it is our specialty señor: bulls testicules.

_hum, that looks great, where is it on the catalog?

_It is not on the catalog, señor. It is made only upon special request.

Oh, so I cannot order that today?

_No, señor, that is not possible.

_But can I order for tomorrow?

_Yes señor, of course you can.

_O.K. let's do that.


The next day the tourist comes to the restaurant back and waits for his superb dish.

Then comes the waiter with a tiny little plate with a small fuming portion of meat.

_what is that? (asks the tourist)

_Well señor, i am really sorry but today the bull won.

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An American to Paris, France


enters a café on the Champs-Élysées avenue and looks at the catalog.

He asks the waiter:

_Well, i see you have on your catalog "coffee 2 Euros" and on the other page "coffee 4 Euros". what's the difference between the two coffees?


and the waiter answers;

_2 Euros


Two Italians sit at the cafeteria.

The waiter comes;

_what would you like to drink sir?


_a capuccino for me.


_and for you sir?


_Yes, good idea, a capuccino for me too. But please take attention the cup to be clean!


-OH of course sir, we are a very respectable establishment!


The waiter goes, obviously annoyed.


After a few minutes, he comes back with a silver disk and 2 fuming cappucinos. He asks the 2 gentlemens: "the clean cup is for whom?"

Edited by michel123456
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Yesterday, I walked over to the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. Then I stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. I'd left my truck at home and I was wondering how I could carry all this stuff home when Lisa walked by.

I said, "Hey, Lisa, can you help me home with this stuff?"

Lisa suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

I said, "Why thank you very much! Can I walk you home?" She said sure and we started walking.

On the way I said, "Let's take a short cut down this alley. We'll get you home quicker that way."

She looked at me and said, "I'm a beautiful young woman and the alley is dark. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

I said, "Lisa! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

Lisa replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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