# The Official JOKES SECTION :)

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Wormhole Fail....

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There was once a physics seminar so incredible that all the women in the audience immediately stood up and threw their $\langle x |$ 's at the stage. The lone chemist in the audience would've no doubt been impressed, but unfortunately he was passed out from overexposure to the $| \mathrm{RNH_{2}} \rangle$ he had been working with in his lab.

For those of you who have lives:

Bra-ket notation

Amine

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Two men walk into a bar and sit down. The barman asks them what they would like to drink. The first man says, "I'll have some H20 please. The other man said, "I'll have some H20 too". The second man died.

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• 1 month later...

Two men walk into a bar and sit down. The barman asks them what they would like to drink. The first man says, "I'll have some H20 please. The other man said, "I'll have some H20 too". The second man died.

I for one had not heard this joke before, and I think it's funny, as "H2O too" sounds like H2O2 i.e. Hydrogen peroxide, which is poisonous.:-D

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Entrance to Cosmic Wormhole Discovered in Baltimore!

Scientists Believe Exit is Near the Andromeda Galaxy.

Edited by Bill Angel

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There was once a physics seminar so incredible that all the women in the audience immediately stood up and threw their $\langle x |$ 's at the stage. The lone chemist in the audience would've no doubt been impressed, but unfortunately he was passed out from overexposure to the $| \mathrm{RNH_{2}} \rangle$ he had been working with in his lab.

For those of you who have lives:

Bra-ket notation

Amine

Took a while but i got it.

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Entrance to Cosmic Wormhole Discovered in Baltimore!

Scientists Believe Exit is Near the Andromeda Galaxy.

Sure that doesn't take you to the ministry of magic?

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What kind of pants do clouds wear?

Thunderwear!

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What kind of pants do clouds wear?

Thunderwear!

You could have added "with a silver lining"

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You could have added "with a silver lining"

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• 3 weeks later...
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Turn right here. No! NO! The OTHER right!

A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river. He stumbles down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am."

The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.

"No!" said the drunk.

The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"

"No, I didn't!" said the drunk again.

Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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I was driving my car in the country when I got a puncture. I stopped by a very high wall. I took the spare wheel out of the boot, jacked up the car and removed the wheel with the puncture. As I slid the wheel off the car I accidentally knocked the four wheel nuts into a drain. I was wondering what to do next when I heard a voice say "Have you a problem?". I looked up at the top of the wall and saw a smiling face. I told him of my predicament and that I didn't know what to do next. He said "What I would do is take one nut off each of the other wheels and attach your spare wheel with them. You will then have each wheel held by three nuts. If you drive gently that will get you to the next town where you can find a garage to sell you four nuts. Put one nut on each wheel and your problem is solved". Thanking him, I asked what place would need such a high wall. He said it was a secure home for the insane. I said "You obviously are not insane so what are you doing there?". He said "It's a sad story. I inherited a huge fortune but my family connived with the family solicitor and managed to get me declared insane in order to steal my money." I thought for a moment and then told him that was so unfair that as soon as I got home I would do what I could to get the matter properly investigated to see that he got his fortune back and the wrongdoers punished. "You would do that for me?" he asked. I replied "Yes, of course I would" and he thanked me.

As I turned to get into my car I felt a huge blow on the back of my head and a large stone which had flown through the air and hit me bounced onto the car causing quite a dent. I spun round to see the man still smiling, and waving to me he called " You won't forget will you?"

Edit:For my American friends - a boot is a trunk: a solicitor is an attorney.

Edited by Joatmon
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People have been telling me that I have

a diamagnetic personality. When I asked them what they meant they said "ANYTIME WE GET NEAR YOU, WE FIND YOUR PERSONALITY REPULSIVE!"

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This isn't really a joke, but a funny experience. One day, while my highschool English class was reading One Who Flew The Cuckoo's Nest, the guy next to me asked for answers to the guided reading questions. One answer was that Billy wanted to have sex with Candy, but I wrote it as, "Billy wanted to get some Candy." That was the question he happened to raise his hand to answer during the class. He probably didn't know it was actually about sex, and he said it in that voice people make when they pretend to be a little girl asking for a lollipop. The teacher went, "That's right, despite the creepy way you said it..."

Edited by Mondays Assignment: Die
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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, a...nd, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!'' The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?'' Confused, the bartenders says no. ''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''

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• 1 month later...
MESSAGE TO MARS: OPEN WIDE...THE CURIOSITY ROVER HAS ARRIVED
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MESSAGE TO MARS: OPEN WIDE...THE CURIOSITY ROVER HAS ARRIVED

Congratulations to NASA on a job well done!

On a humorous note, and relevant to my posted image (see above link) is this post by another writer complimenting the space agency on its achievement :

" Great achievement! To borrow a saying from a post I read today, Mars eats satellites like a teenager goes through Hot Pockets! (Wish I had thought that one up.) It is good to take a moment to enjoy something better than the constant slime of politics. Truly, this is an example of man’s great potential."

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This guy cracks me up on a regular basis, always has good sciencey humor.

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I came across a new announcement about spiders today:

ScienceShot: Giant-Clawed Spider Is a 'Cave Robber' - ScienceNOW

The above announcement piqued my sense of humor (see below)

Ziggy Stardust Apparently Thought There Might be Spiders on Mars

What's the joke? These fellows performing with David Bowie,

a group called the "Spiders from Mars", are now all senior citizens

which makes them fossils i.e. ancient in relation to the contemporary music scene.

Edited by Bill Angel
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What do Australia and Mc Donalds have in common?

They're both run by red headed clowns.

Wow, don't you think that's a little harsh?

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