Phi for All

Gir, these National Enquirer people are getting too close to our secret alien identities! Bring me the solar-neutrino vortex and aim it at Boca Raton, Florida, extra-wide setting!

Our lager, which art in barrels hollowed, be thy drink. I will be drunk, drunk as a skunk, at home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages, as we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, the bitters and the lager. Forever and ever, barmen.

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish his rant, then quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

A man walks into the sheriff's office and tell's the sheriff, "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to go out and catch this man," says the sheriff, handing the man a wanted poster. "He was last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots." "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man. The sheriff grinned and said, "Rustling."

LOL! I LOVE that joke! And it gives me a great new sales idea! A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping."

I hope you feel important down there, Mr Swing State Undecided. The fate of the free world rests on your shoulders. No pressure! *sigh* I know what you mean. I'm in a Denver suburb, and the city is predominantly Democrat while everyone else in the state with a military background or has more than a quarter acre of land is Republican. Welcome to Science Forums & Debate! But don't think your level-headed, open-minded intelligence fools me in any way. I fully expect you to jump out at any point wearing a troll-suit and start flaming away at us. Be warned, I've got my eye on you...

Bartender, give me another! Today I came home early from work and found my best friend having sex with my wife! MY BEST FRIEND! ______________________________________________________________________ That's terrible! What did you say? ______________________________________________________________________ I said, "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

All I ask is that you read the Why are you voting for Kerry? thread in Politics. I will do absolutely nothing else to sway your undecided vote.

An Alaskan mountain man came down out of the hills after three years of trapping and digging for gold. After selling his pelts and assaying his gold, he heads straight for the local brothel. He tells the proprietor, "I ain't had a woman in three years! I don't want any of these frilly, perfumed French hussies with their foreign ways! I want some hard, straight sex with the meanest, roughest, toughest girl you got! Have her meet me up in the room and tell her to bring some beers!" He stomps up to the room and strips down to his long johns, then lays back on the bed. Finally a woman kicks open the door and stomps into the room. She sets down a couple of cold bottles and without saying a word, whips off her clothing, turns around and bends over. The mountain man sits up in bed and says, "Hey, no, none of that! They promised me you'd be tough! I want it right here on the bed, the old-fashioned way!" She looks at him with her head between her knees and says, "I KNOW THAT! I just thought you might want to open them beers first!"

Well, folks, we're up over 500 posts on the OFFICIAL JOKES SECTION thread! That's a whole lot of funny! Unfortunately, due to the fact that the #$%&ing mods haven't shut down the @&!$#&, mother#$%&ing GUNS thread in Politics, due to some hayseed, bucktoothed, hillbilly goat #$%&ers who want to just repeat what everyone else and his brother have already #$%&ing said, the GUNS thread now has 566 @^*% posts. That's the number to beat, so let's dig deep into our memories and come up with some more %*##!@$ jokes! You >+$=*@!& are really doing GREAT!

I got pulled over for drinking and driving once by this gorgeous lady cop. She hauls me out of the car and says, "Anything you say can and will be held against you!" So I said, "BREASTS!"

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots, too".

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed was to get to the airport so he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex once we get there?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab!" said the driver. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK", and off they went.

Which reminds me of this one: Three Viking ships, under cover of fog, pull into a sleepy English harbor in the middle of the night. The leader of the Viking raid climbs the mast of the lead ship to address his warriors. He yells out, "MEN?" They all reply, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR!" Brodar yells, "TONIGHT, WE RAID THE ENGLISH VILLAGE!" They all yell, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL THE MEN..." They all yell, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "... AND WE'RE GONNA RAPE ALL THE WOMEN!" They all scream, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "AND MEN?" They all yell, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR?" Brodar screams, "TRY TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME!"

A man is caught sneaking into the harem of a powerful sultan. His manhood will be chopped off unless he can pass the three tests the sultan has devised. He is shown three tents. "In the first tent," the Sultan explains, "are twenty skins of wine. You must drink these and then proceed to the second tent, where there is a man-eating tiger. You must defeat the tiger and proceed to the third tent, where their waits for you the most insatiable woman in my harem. If, after all this, you can satisfy her sexually, you may leave a free man. Fail any of the tests and your manhood will be forfeit." At a signal from the great sultan, the man is released and rushes into the first tent. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the first tent and weaves his way to the second. A tremendous roaring and thrashing is heard. An hour after that the roaring and thrashing stops. The man walks slowly out of the second tent, his clothes in tatters and his flesh shredded and bleeding. He looks around a bit confused, and finally says, "Now... which way ish thish woman you wam me to fight?"

LOL, sounds just like the US Postal Service! Two guys go out golfing and get to a fairway with a lake on the side. The first guy shakes his head and says, "I lose so many balls into this lake!" The second guy says, "You should use one of these balls," and shows his buddy a seemingly ordinary golf ball. "It's fantastic! If you hit it into the water, it not only floats, it has a small motor and some kind of sonar that directs it to the nearest shore!" The first guy says, "That's incredible! What if you slice it into the woods?" "No problem," says the second guy. "If it senses trees around itself, after three minutes it begins to whistle loudly so you can find it anywhere!" "Wow! But what if it gets too dark to see it?" "After ten minutes, it begins to glow brightly and after fifteen minutes it will start hopping up and down, playing Stars and Stripes Forever! You can't miss it!" The first guy is really impressed. "I need one of those. Where did you get it?" The second guy smiles widely and says, "I found it!"

No, that's A JOKE!!!

You`ll NOT be making a Canoe out of me ya buggers! That's one of my favorite jokes EVER, YT!

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar. "Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter." "Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink. With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too." "Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds. "I know how to rile this tosser," says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman. "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?" The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO of the whole company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent! I can't tell you how important this is and how much I appreciate your help," said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A one dollar bill met a hundred dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The hundred answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, did some political payoffs, some drug deals, went to a couple of football games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

Now THAT'S funny!

Get out of town!?! That's too funny! If I was the cop that pulled them over, I'd have let them go (as long as they walked home). Like this one: Doing 90 in a 65, a guy in a Ferrari knows he's in trouble when a cop pulls in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 100, 120, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. Finally giving up, he pulled over. The cop approached the car and said," You know, I was just about to go home to my family. If you can give me a really good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen, I might just let you off this one time." "Well," the guy says, "Just last week my wife ran off with a cop." "And?" the cop asks. "When I saw you chasing me, I thought you were trying to bring her back!" (The cop let him go)

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. He was in the woods and suddenly there was a grizzly bear in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor said, "There was a loud bang and the bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Not with an umbrella! Someone else must have shot that bear." The doctor smiled widely and said, "Ah, good, you see my point!"