Phi for All

No, that's A JOKE!!!

You`ll NOT be making a Canoe out of me ya buggers! That's one of my favorite jokes EVER, YT!

These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar. "Watch this." Says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I here that St Patrick was a shift lifter." "Really." Says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink. With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and here he was a pervert too." "Is that so?" the still calm Irishman responds. "I know how to rile this tosser," says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman. "Hey, did you know St Patrick was really an Englishman?" The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me."

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the airplane flies. The theory is that if the windshield can withstand the carcass test impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. Apparently, the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, high-speed train they were developing.. They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded a chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken not only shattered the windshield, but went through the engineer's seat, broke an instrument panel, and was imbedded in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to review the test to see if everything was done correctly. The FAA reviewed the data thoroughly and had one recommendation: ''Use a thawed chicken.''

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO of the whole company standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent! I can't tell you how important this is and how much I appreciate your help," said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

A one dollar bill met a hundred dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The hundred answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, did some political payoffs, some drug deals, went to a couple of football games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff... church, church, church."

Now THAT'S funny!

Get out of town!?! That's too funny! If I was the cop that pulled them over, I'd have let them go (as long as they walked home). Like this one: Doing 90 in a 65, a guy in a Ferrari knows he's in trouble when a cop pulls in behind him with the roof lights on. Figuring he could just lose the cop he floored the Ferrari. 100, 120, 150 and still the cop was right on his tail. Finally giving up, he pulled over. The cop approached the car and said," You know, I was just about to go home to my family. If you can give me a really good reason why I shouldn't give you the biggest ticket this world has ever seen, I might just let you off this one time." "Well," the guy says, "Just last week my wife ran off with a cop." "And?" the cop asks. "When I saw you chasing me, I thought you were trying to bring her back!" (The cop let him go)

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun. He was in the woods and suddenly there was a grizzly bear in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. Do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor said, "There was a loud bang and the bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Not with an umbrella! Someone else must have shot that bear." The doctor smiled widely and said, "Ah, good, you see my point!"

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with your examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "His heart is fine, but I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

Three guys are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in big trouble!" "Hold on," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick it on your forehead," and when they've all done that and stashed the bottles, he pulls over. The police officer then walks up and says, "You guys were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give it up. We're on the patch!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved, so they could send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

A young man truly in love with his fiance decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while his penis was erect. When it was flaccid all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had W Y tattooed on his penis. The American saw it and said, "Oh is your girl named Wendy, too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

A man and his blonde wife are so down on their luck that the husband finally tells her, "Sweetie, I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but you're going to have to become a prostitute and have sex with other men for money or we'll lose the house, the car, EVERYTHING!" She reluctantly agrees and goes out looking for customers. At dawn the next morning the blonde comes home and the husband asks how she did. "Pretty good for my first night," she says. "I made $420 and fifty cents." "Fifty cents?" says the guy. "Who gave you fifty cents?" The blonde says, "Well, everybody!"

It was delicious!

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a while, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will ya?"

A woman went with her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions, your husband will die." "Be pleasant at all times. Make him three nutritious, home-cooked meals a day. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "So, what did the doctor say?" She glanced over at him sourly and replied, "He said you're gonna die."

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?" A deathly silence comes over the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man pauses to think, and then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

What do George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common? English is their second language.

Since Thales has been so kind as to illuminate me on several occasions as to the current foreign view of the US and Americans, I will return the favor by saying that "dull" is not the word generally used in the US to describe Australia and Australians.

I don't think we can win the war on terrorism!Unless we can, in which case we will! But it will be hard, so we probably won't. But we could if we wanted to. If there was any money in peace. Which there isn't. So we won't. Right Dick?

I'm not a complete idiot!Some of my parts are missing!

A man goes to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "The Fottle," replies the inventor. "Fottle? Not a very catchy name! Can't you think of something else?" "I'll try. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "The Farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

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