Phi for All

Donny, have we got a nuke aimed at Finland? We do? OK, Gilded, you're FINNISHED!!! Hey, Uncle Dick, I made a funny!

Two blond redneck guys are driving their pickup down the road when they spot a city woman who's car has run out of gas. She asks if they'll give her a lift to a gas station and back, and the rednecks demand some sex in return. She checks them out and then says, "All right, boys, I'll do it but I don't want to catch any diseases or get pregnant. You'll have to wear these condoms." She explains how they work and how they go on, and then she has sex with both of the rednecks. Afterwards, they get her car gassed up and she goes on her way back to the city. A year later, the two blonde rednecks are driving on the same stretch of road. "Hey Clem, you remember that city woman we had sex with around h'yar last year?" Clem grins and says, "Shore do, Zeke!" Zeke says, "Do you really care if she catches some disease?" "No, Zeke." "Do you care if she gets pregnant?" Clem thinks a bit and says, "Not a bit, Zeke!" Zeke says, "Me neither. Let's take these damn things off!"

There was a mailman who decided to retire. It was his last day and at the first house they gave him a box of chocolates. The next house gave him a nice big gift basket. At the third house, a hot looking blonde answered the door in nothing but a see-through slip. She took him upstairs and gave him the best sex of his life. They went downstairs and she made him some eggs, and then she handed him a dollar. He asked, "What was all that for?" The blonde replied, "Oh, it was my husband's idea. I asked him what we should get you for your retirement and he said, 'Screw the mail man, give him a dollar!' The breakfast was my idea."

Top Ten Blonde Inventions 1) Waxed tea bags 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat for a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) The water-proof towel

Sometimes they give me a cookie! The Rhyming thread's OK, but we need you over in the Official Jokes section, too. Read them all, memorize them, and then add any new ones you can think of. Things are very serious here, what with the science and the politics and all. We need some funny.

You're wrong, believe it because I said so. Why? Because I talk to cucumbers all the time. They're not stupid, they're just seedy. Welcome JohnB, I like your style.

At one point during a game, the coach called over one of his young players and asked him, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or use foul language or beat the umpire with a pair of cleats, right?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "How am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

A new blonde recruit is going through Paratrooper's schooling. His sergeant told them all, "Once you jump you need to open your parachute by pulling the ripcord. If it doesn't open, you have a reserve one, pull the cord on that. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground". So, the blonde guy gets on the plane and when his turn to jump comes, he jumps clear of the plane and pulls the ripcord. It doesn't work so he pulls the cord on his reserve chute. That doesn't work either. "Oh, great!" he says to himself, "I bet the Jeep isn't going to wait for me either!"

Gir, these National Enquirer people are getting too close to our secret alien identities! Bring me the solar-neutrino vortex and aim it at Boca Raton, Florida, extra-wide setting!

Our lager, which art in barrels hollowed, be thy drink. I will be drunk, drunk as a skunk, at home as in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, and forgive us our spillages, as we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, but deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, the bitters and the lager. Forever and ever, barmen.

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!" The plumber waited for him to finish his rant, then quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."

A man walks into the sheriff's office and tell's the sheriff, "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to go out and catch this man," says the sheriff, handing the man a wanted poster. "He was last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots." "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful young man. The sheriff grinned and said, "Rustling."

LOL! I LOVE that joke! And it gives me a great new sales idea! A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, eat 2 days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor." "No, from all that skipping."

I hope you feel important down there, Mr Swing State Undecided. The fate of the free world rests on your shoulders. No pressure! *sigh* I know what you mean. I'm in a Denver suburb, and the city is predominantly Democrat while everyone else in the state with a military background or has more than a quarter acre of land is Republican. Welcome to Science Forums & Debate! But don't think your level-headed, open-minded intelligence fools me in any way. I fully expect you to jump out at any point wearing a troll-suit and start flaming away at us. Be warned, I've got my eye on you...

Bartender, give me another! Today I came home early from work and found my best friend having sex with my wife! MY BEST FRIEND! ______________________________________________________________________ That's terrible! What did you say? ______________________________________________________________________ I said, "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

All I ask is that you read the Why are you voting for Kerry? thread in Politics. I will do absolutely nothing else to sway your undecided vote.

An Alaskan mountain man came down out of the hills after three years of trapping and digging for gold. After selling his pelts and assaying his gold, he heads straight for the local brothel. He tells the proprietor, "I ain't had a woman in three years! I don't want any of these frilly, perfumed French hussies with their foreign ways! I want some hard, straight sex with the meanest, roughest, toughest girl you got! Have her meet me up in the room and tell her to bring some beers!" He stomps up to the room and strips down to his long johns, then lays back on the bed. Finally a woman kicks open the door and stomps into the room. She sets down a couple of cold bottles and without saying a word, whips off her clothing, turns around and bends over. The mountain man sits up in bed and says, "Hey, no, none of that! They promised me you'd be tough! I want it right here on the bed, the old-fashioned way!" She looks at him with her head between her knees and says, "I KNOW THAT! I just thought you might want to open them beers first!"

Well, folks, we're up over 500 posts on the OFFICIAL JOKES SECTION thread! That's a whole lot of funny! Unfortunately, due to the fact that the #$%&ing mods haven't shut down the @&!$#&, mother#$%&ing GUNS thread in Politics, due to some hayseed, bucktoothed, hillbilly goat #$%&ers who want to just repeat what everyone else and his brother have already #$%&ing said, the GUNS thread now has 566 @^*% posts. That's the number to beat, so let's dig deep into our memories and come up with some more %*##!@$ jokes! You >+$=*@!& are really doing GREAT!

I got pulled over for drinking and driving once by this gorgeous lady cop. She hauls me out of the car and says, "Anything you say can and will be held against you!" So I said, "BREASTS!"

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other, "Funny, I smell carrots, too".

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed was to get to the airport so he could get himself home. He went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me oral sex once we get there?" "What? Get the hell out of my cab!" said the driver. The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same results. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks." The businessman said, "OK", and off they went.

Which reminds me of this one: Three Viking ships, under cover of fog, pull into a sleepy English harbor in the middle of the night. The leader of the Viking raid climbs the mast of the lead ship to address his warriors. He yells out, "MEN?" They all reply, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR!" Brodar yells, "TONIGHT, WE RAID THE ENGLISH VILLAGE!" They all yell, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "WE'RE GONNA KILL ALL THE MEN..." They all yell, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "... AND WE'RE GONNA RAPE ALL THE WOMEN!" They all scream, "YEA!" Brodar yells, "AND MEN?" They all yell, "YES, NOBLE BRODAR?" Brodar screams, "TRY TO GET IT RIGHT THIS TIME!"

A man is caught sneaking into the harem of a powerful sultan. His manhood will be chopped off unless he can pass the three tests the sultan has devised. He is shown three tents. "In the first tent," the Sultan explains, "are twenty skins of wine. You must drink these and then proceed to the second tent, where there is a man-eating tiger. You must defeat the tiger and proceed to the third tent, where their waits for you the most insatiable woman in my harem. If, after all this, you can satisfy her sexually, you may leave a free man. Fail any of the tests and your manhood will be forfeit." At a signal from the great sultan, the man is released and rushes into the first tent. Half an hour later he stumbles out of the first tent and weaves his way to the second. A tremendous roaring and thrashing is heard. An hour after that the roaring and thrashing stops. The man walks slowly out of the second tent, his clothes in tatters and his flesh shredded and bleeding. He looks around a bit confused, and finally says, "Now... which way ish thish woman you wam me to fight?"

LOL, sounds just like the US Postal Service! Two guys go out golfing and get to a fairway with a lake on the side. The first guy shakes his head and says, "I lose so many balls into this lake!" The second guy says, "You should use one of these balls," and shows his buddy a seemingly ordinary golf ball. "It's fantastic! If you hit it into the water, it not only floats, it has a small motor and some kind of sonar that directs it to the nearest shore!" The first guy says, "That's incredible! What if you slice it into the woods?" "No problem," says the second guy. "If it senses trees around itself, after three minutes it begins to whistle loudly so you can find it anywhere!" "Wow! But what if it gets too dark to see it?" "After ten minutes, it begins to glow brightly and after fifteen minutes it will start hopping up and down, playing Stars and Stripes Forever! You can't miss it!" The first guy is really impressed. "I need one of those. Where did you get it?" The second guy smiles widely and says, "I found it!"