Phi for All

Did I say they were? You owe us two jokes now. Make 'em funny. Cashier: "You must be single." Callipygous: "You can tell that from what I'm buying?" Cashier: "No, you're ugly!"

Funny is what we're looking for. Against forum policy.

The Pope dies + your pedophilia reference + Introduce yourself thread ≠ humor. Trust me, I know humor.

Newtonian wakes up after surgery and asks, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answers, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Let's go with mine so younger member's parents continue to view us as an educational resource. And for you parents of teenagers who are reading this, we want you to know that certain vulgar words like ****, ****, ***** and **** will automatically be blanked out, replaced by asterisks in the actual post. You can't protect your children from all of the internet's vulgarity, but you can rest assured they won't get that **** here.

BTW = By the way J/K = Just kidding OTOH = On the other hand PM = Personal Message IRC = Internet Relay Chat LOL = Laughing out loud ROFL = Rolling on the floor laughing WTF = Where's THAT from?!?

But hopefully you know at least how fast you're going. Welcome.

Scary.

The egg, because the thing that laid the egg that became the first actual chicken was not quite a chicken yet. So philosophy has to be the egg, since without it, science was not quite science yet. But that's another thread. Welcome!

I noticed the serial number on the condom I used last night was 777,777,777,777. Serial number?! Condoms don't have serial numbers! I guess you don't unroll them as far as I do!

Congrats, man, we missed you. Have a cup of coffee and a breath mint and start reading.

Might he be referring to your avatar? I am not receiving the GIF picture in your avatar, it just shows up as a blank called "Stephy's Avatar".

Thanks, YT! I was going to do it when I made Mod but thought it would be an abuse of power if I did it too soon. Speaking of sticky: A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

Here's a little test to see if you have what it takes: have someone tie you to a chair and fold a road map the wrong way while you watch. If you start screaming uncontrollably, congratulations! you have the mind of an engineer! Welcome!

After nine years, a stripper in Toronto who was mauled by a tiger at a safari park has finally won C$650,000 in compensation for work she could no longer perform due to scarring. Jennifer-Anne Cowles and her boyfriend were driving through the park when a tiger bumped into their car. The couple claims that, although their windows had been rolled up, they panicked and rolled them down after the alleged bumping. Cowles' boyfriend, David Balac, was awarded C$1.7 million to compensate for work he was unable to perform as an accordionist. A worker at African Lion Safari, who requested anonymity because I made him up, commented, "This is really a shame, a travesty of justice. I mean, who in their right minds would give an accordionist almost three times as much as a stripper?" This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking.

Welcome, doc. Be sure to check out the Official Joke thread in General Discussion. Read them all and add any that we've missed, keeping in mind our younger members.

Two hunters, Mad Mardigan and Douglas, went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot him. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, Mad Mardigan, who was in the front of the costume, said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Douglas, who was in the back, shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" Mad Mardigan said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Many years from now, Jakiri, YT2095 and Dave are at Dr. Blike's office for a memory test. Dr. Blike asks Jakiri, "What is three times three?" "274," Jakiri replies. Dr. Blike rolls his eyes and says to YT2095, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies YT2095. Dr. Blike shakes his head sadly and says to Dave, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says Dave. "That's great!" says Dr. Blike. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says Dave, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

...and in a related story, Phi for All fell out of the Stupid Tree, and hit every branch on the way down. Oh well, some drink from the Fountain of Knowledge, but he only gargled. This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking.

You're good at being obtuse for the same reason midgets are good at being short!