Phi for All

President Bush is going to establish fair elections in Iraq. He's going to do what it takes to rebuild their infrastructure. He's going to firm up their economy. He's going to create jobs. And he said if it works over there, he'll try it over here.

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the boss' wife instead. "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains. The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you yesterday," the wife replies, "he died last week." The next day the same guy calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts, "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?" "Sorry," he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it!"

5614, swansont and Lance are fishing on a lake when Lance gets up to get a beer, loses his balance and falls out of the boat. 5614 says "What should we do?" swansont says, "You better jump in after him, he's been under water for a while, he might need some help." So 5614 jumps in, and after quite a while, he surfaces. 5614 says, "Help me get him in the boat, he was all the way at the bottom." They wrestle Lance back into the boat. 5614 says, "What do we do now? It doesn't look like he's breathing." swansont says, "Give him mouth to mouth." 5614 blows air into Lance's lungs a few times and says, "Whoa, I don't remember Lance having such bad breath." swansont says, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Lance wearing a snowmobile suit, either."

YT2095 left work one Friday afternoon. He ran into some old mates after cashing his paycheck and instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife who screamed at him for two solid hours about how inconsiderate he'd been. Finally Kitty stopped nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" YT2095 replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he still didn't see her. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little bit out of the corner of his left eye. * *Apologies, Kitty!

When Blike was eight years old, he got caught by the next door neighbor lady playing "doctor" with her young daughter. The angry mother grabbed Blike by the ear and dragged him over to his house and confronted Blike's mother. Blike's mom said, "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing 'doctor' at their age." "Sexuality, my ass!" The neighbor yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

Tesseract was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed at an Antarctic military base for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his girlfriend, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote, "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. I'm constantly surrounded by young, attractive Navy women. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his girlfriend sent him back a harmonica, with a letter saying, "Why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his girlfriend. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's see how well you can play that harmonica."

Great cartoon, bloodhound! bloodhound stops by to visit his boss who has hurt his back and has to stay at home. They talk for a while and then his boss says, "My meds are kicking in and I'm starting to fall asleep, but my feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please? They're in my room and the doctor says I'm not supposed to walk up the stairs." bloodhound obliges him and goes upstairs. There he sees his boss's twin, seventeen-year-old, gorgeous daughters. Being adventurous and quick thinking, bloodhound says, "Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be! Are you sure?" He replies, "Well, let's ask him!" He calls out to his boss downstairs, "Both of them?" His boss yawns and shouts up, "Yes, both of them, please!"

Great cartoon, bloodhound! bloodhound stops by to visit his boss who has hurt his back and has to stay at home. They talk for a while and then his boss says, "My meds are kicking in and I'm starting to fall asleep, but my feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my slippers please? They're in my room and the doctor says I'm not supposed to walk up the stairs." bloodhound obliges him and goes upstairs. There he sees his boss's twin, seventeen-year-old, gorgeous daughters. Being adventurous and quick thinking, bloodhound says, "Hi, ladies! Your dad sent me up here to have sex with the two of you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be! Are you sure?" He replies, "Well, let's ask him!" He calls out to his boss downstairs, "Both of them?" His boss yawns and shouts up, "Yes, both of them, please!"

I LOVE IT!!! And I can't believe I forgot my old pal, Gilded. I thought he'd already been roasted, but I forgot he was frozen solid to begin with, so it takes a little longer with the Finns. Being so close to the former Soviet Union, these guys took the "Cold War" a little too literally! But seriously, Gilded is a funny guy, a real gas. Unfortunately, it's radon gas, but if you stand downwind you'll be OK. He was born on the 13th also, but it was a Wednesday, so he's unlucky AND impatient. His mom tells us that Gilded was an immaculate conception. An Immaculate is 1 oz. of Kahlua®, 1 oz. of Peppermint Schnapps and 1 oz. of Finlandia Vodka. She'd had a few too many and got frisky in the sauna. Oh, the Finns love their saunas! Give Gilded some hot rocks, a little cold water and a leggy blonde and he'll drop his towel in a Helsinki minute. Especially if the blonde is into S&M with birch whisks and naked snow romping! And he's likely to offer her his favorite breakfast in the morning: corn flakes with a vodka, phosphor and strontium aluminate blend. The perfect way to start the day with that special "glow". Thanks for coming, Gilded, and thanks for being your own light source!

I LOVE IT!!! And I can't believe I forgot my old pal, Gilded. I thought he'd already been roasted, but I forgot he was frozen solid to begin with, so it takes a little longer with the Finns. Being so close to the former Soviet Union, these guys took the "Cold War" a little too literally! But seriously, Gilded is a funny guy, a real gas. Unfortunately, it's radon gas, but if you stand downwind you'll be OK. He was born on the 13th also, but it was a Wednesday, so he's unlucky AND impatient. His mom tells us that Gilded was an immaculate conception. An Immaculate is 1 oz. of Kahlua®, 1 oz. of Peppermint Schnapps and 1 oz. of Finlandia Vodka. She'd had a few too many and got frisky in the sauna. Oh, the Finns love their saunas! Give Gilded some hot rocks, a little cold water and a leggy blonde and he'll drop his towel in a Helsinki minute. Especially if the blonde is into S&M with birch whisks and naked snow romping! And he's likely to offer her his favorite breakfast in the morning: corn flakes with a vodka, phosphor and strontium aluminate blend. The perfect way to start the day with that special "glow". Thanks for coming, Gilded, and thanks for being your own light source!

I just bought the new Heisenberg Quantum sports car and I love it! It's got lots of speed but if you check to see how fast you're going, you don't know where you are.

I just bought the new Heisenberg Quantum sports car and I love it! It's got lots of speed but if you check to see how fast you're going, you don't know where you are.

A handsome young lad named Gilded went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know!" grinned Gilded. "But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

A married guy comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?!"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

After hearing a couple's complaints that their sex life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try The Wheelbarrow. With her lying on her stomach, hands on the floor, you lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parent's house."

One golfer tells another: "Hey, I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other golfer, lining up his next shot, replies, "Nice trade!"

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes." Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

A wife suspected her husband was cheating on her. One day, she dialed her home number and a strange woman answered. The wife said, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman on the other end. "We don't have a maid," said the wife. The maid said, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house." The wife said, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "He is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was his wife." The wife was furious. She said to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $10,000?" The maid said, "What do you want me to do?" The wife told her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot my husband and the bitch he's with." The maid put the phone down and the wife heard footsteps and then eventually she heard the gun shots. The maid came back to the phone and asked, "What should I do with the bodies?" The wife said, "Throw them in the swimming pool." There's a pause and then the maid said, "This house doesn't have a swimming pool." There's a longer pause and then the wife said, "Is this 555-4821?"

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted, "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "Screw you!" Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, he's just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and *splash* they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sinks straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places him at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then ten seconds before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

Once Gilded walked into a Arctic Ice Bar in Finland, got a drink and had a seat. He's a good looking guy, so during the course of the evening he tried to chat with every single woman who walked into the bar, but he had no luck. Suddenly, a really ugly guy, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly guy, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Frustrated by all this, Gilded says to the bartender, "Excuse me, but that really ugly dude just came in here and left with those two gorgeous women. What's his secret? They all passed me by and took up with the Hunchback of Helsinki there. What's up with that?" "Well," Said the bartender, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...."

A bear and a rabbit are out in the woods taking a shit together. They finish and the bear leans over to the rabbit and says, "Tell me, do you ever have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "No, I never have." The bear says, "Good," and he wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A woman who had terrible luck with men decided to place an ad for the perfect man in the personals section of the newspaper. She specified that she wanted a man who wouldn't beat her, wouldn't run out on her, and was fantastic in bed. Any many fruitless replies via the post and email, one day her doorbell rang. When she answered it, she saw a man with no arms or legs lying on her doormat. "Hi," he said, "I'm here to answer your ad. I'm the perfect man for you!" Looking down at him, she asks, "What makes you think you're the perfect man for me?" He says, "Well, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run out on you." She says, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" He winks and says, "Hey, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"