Phi for All

Update: Graviphoton's seven day suspension has been extended to coincide with eventual contraction of the universe.

An Alsatian went to the telegraph office, took out a blank form and wrote, “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” “But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

I'm not sure I want him back, his last few posts were fairly racist. Us Jews and low-caste foreigners might be better off without him.

Zephir been suspended again, so we're going to make it permanent. This should give him more time to devote towards learning actual science. Best of luck, Z. Aether you're a genius or you're an idiot (had to be done). _____________________________________________________________________ alanejackson has been suspended for three days, for a combination of Flaming, Trolling and Hijacking. Let's hope he can get it together and stop whining about Galileo persecution, but let's not hold our breath, either. Even money says we'll see him listed here again in a few days.

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. I don't know exactly what it is, but this piece has always been there." The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there." If you're not sure what a 710 is...http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

This should be taken care of right away. What he means is, "This is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself." I have some good news and some bad news. What he means is, "Good news, I get a Mercedes, bad news, you pay for it." This may smart a little. What he means is, "Last week, two patients bit off their tongues." There is a lot of that going around. What he means is, "My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better read up about this."

Come on, not all of you. It was meant as sarcasm because your signature is getting pretty Pimp City. I promise to get on IRC more often and scream at you about it.

We have Chat?!

Welcome everyone, to SFN, the voice of reason (or the bran of raisin, I forget which). Have a good time. Don't catch up. We don't believe in pwn language, or text speak, or creationism, or store-brand cheesy crackers. Not necessarily in that order.

Jack and Betty were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Jack asked, "Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?" Betty said, "Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now?" "Please, Betty, I really want to know." "Well, all right. Yes, 3 times." "Three? When were they?" "Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?" "Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?" "Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?" Jack was beaming. "I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me, darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?" Betty sighed and said, "Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short...?" ______________________________________________________________________ Asked why he's bruised head to toe, Kelly tells the barkeep, ''I got in a fight with Riley.'' ''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the surprised barkeep said. ''He must have had something in his hand.'' ''Aye, a shovel it was," said Kelly. ''Dear Lord!" exclaimed the barkeep. "Did you have anything in your hand?'' ''Aye, Mrs. Riley's left tit.'' Kelly said reverently. ''And a shining wondrous thing it was, but a poor choice in a shovel fight.'' _______________________________________________________________________ A rabbi and a priest buy a car together and it's being stored at the priest's house. One day the rabbi goes over to use the car and he sees the priest sprinkling water on it. The rabbi asked, ''What are you doing?'' The priest responded, ''I'm blessing the car.'' So the rabbi said ''Oh yeah?! Well, since you're doing that....!'' and the rabbi takes out a hacksaw and cuts two inches off the tail pipe.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that! A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. The doctor asks the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor smiled and decided to give it a try. The next day the doctor went to his mailbox to send the bills and he found a bill from the lawyer.

As long as we're telling *true stories, did I ever tell you about the car I tried to make by myself? I took the tires and wheels from a Cadillac, the engine from a Ford, the transmission from a Chrysler, the chassis from a Plymouth and the body from a Lamborghini. Do you know what I ended up with? Two years and probation. * meaning "imaginary"

The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the Tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said, "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."

Two whales, a male and female, are swimming off the coast of Japan when the male whale looks up and sees the whaling ship that killed his father five years before. Excited at the opportunity to avenge his father's death, the male whale says to the female, "Let's go underneath the ship and blow air through our blow holes. That ought to knock their boat over, and make them think twice about killing innocent whales." The female whale agrees, and the plan works perfectly. Once the whaling ship has completely sunk, the male whale notices that most of the sailors are making their way back to the shore by either swimming or in lifeboats. Not willing to let them get away so easily, the male whale yells, "They're going to shore - Let's go gobble them up!" Just then, the female whale stops dead in the water and says, "Look, I agreed to blowing them, but there is NO WAY I'm swallowing seamen!"

Like pimples? Welcome.

Good, tell us a bit about yourself, please.

Unpublished studies (aka "completely made up") show that your IQ goes up a few points when you join SFN so you are already a bit smarter. Welcome to the community. the tree is the perfect UK maths person for you. He'll help you out as long as you continue to write so well (he's mad for proper spelling).

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates". The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" Sheepishly the man replied, "They're Carol's."

Yesterday at the hospital I saw Norman Alber in a surgery gown running down the hall with a terrified look on his face, so I asked "What's the matter?" He told me, "The nurse said, 'Oh my God, you're shaking! It's a very simple operation, please calm down, you have nothing to worry about, I'm sure it will be all right." I smiled and said, "She was just trying to comfort you, Norm, what's so frightening about that?" Norm's eyes got real big and he said, "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!" __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ insane_alien stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" The librarian said, "What's the problem, sir?" "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!", said insane_alien. "What was wrong with it?", asked the librarian. "It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!", said IA. The librarian's eyebrows shot up. She nodded and said, "Ah. So you must be the person who took our phone book." __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ YT2095 walked into a bar yesterday and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar. "What the heck," he says to himself, I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to YT, "What's the name of your penis?" YT says, "Look, I'm straight. All I want is a drink." The waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. House rule. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies'." YT2095 looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So YT asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "TIMEX" YT asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, YT turns to two guys on his right, who happen to be sharing a Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because 'Quality is Job One'." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY ... 'Like A Rock'!" And gives a wink. Even more shaken, YT2095 has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the waiter and exclaims, "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me a beer." The waiter starts towards the bar but with a puzzled look stops and asks, "Why Secret?" YT2095 says, "Because it's 'Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman'"! __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ I was in the supermarket the other day when my cart and another guy's cart collided. He apologized and said, "I wasn't paying attention, I was looking for my wife." I said, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too and I'm getting a little desperate." He says, "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" I told him, "She's tall, with blond long hair, long legs and a fantastic figure. She's a lingerie model actually. What's your wife look like?" He leaned closer and said, "Never mind, let's look for yours!"

If your dog's barking at the back door and your wife's barking at the front door, who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.

Hello and welcome! Bingo! It seems he's really fattyjwoods, opening multiple accounts and spamming over the boards. Post ho, ho, ho.

I started a new sales job working for one of those "everything-under-one-roof" department stores. After my first day the manager asks me how many customers I waited on and I told him one. He tells me most of the salespeople wait on 20-30 people a day. Then he asked me how much I sold to this one customer and I told him $121,447.65. He asked me what I sold the guy and I told him at first it was a small fishhook, then a larger fishhook, then a new rod & reel. The customer mentioned he knew a place off the coast so I told him he should get a boat. After Sporting Goods set him up with a Boston Whaler we realized his Honda Civic wouldn't pull the boat so I took him to Automotive and sold him a 4x4 Expedition. My boss says, "A guy comes in to buy a fishhook and you sell him a boat and an SUV?!" and I tell him no, the guy came in to buy tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing!"

Welcome to SFN, Elessarina. Many of our members study science right here, from the comfort of their own homes. We can't give you a degree but we don't charge anything either. Acquaint yourself well with the Search function and you can look up past discussions about most areas of science. If you find a topic that hasn't been discussed (or at least not recently) feel free to start a thread about it. Enjoy! I'm telling your fiance that you're talking to local girls about what will be held against them! Watch yourself, marriage-boy!

In that case, Elessarina, meet swansont. swansont, meet Elessarina. Elessarina loves physics, swansont is a physicist (and a male stripper), so the two of you can just get... physical. Btw, you owe us a joke, Elessarina. That's the way this thread works.

Can't help you with that. I've never been bored for a single second of my life. Welcome to SFN everyone. You'll find answers here to virtually every question (except why you may be boring yourself ).