Phi for All

A young man and an old man were having lunch. The young man asked, "So what do you do all day now that you're retired?" The old man said, "Well, I try to have a little fun each day. For example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' "He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote." The old man chuckled and said, "Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus."

Welcome to all the new folks! We're glad to have you and hope you enjoy, learn and share in equal proportions.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. She always wore miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family including my fiance was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." I learned a valuable lesson that day: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Start some threads in General Science and if there is enough interest anything is possible.

Sounds like some great topics for our Ecology and the Environment sub forum. When that one fills up with enough animal conservation threads, we can spin them off into another sub forum.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces, "This is the most talented octopus in the world. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it." None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again. "Can't you play the bagpipes?" the man whispered to the octopus. "Play it?" asked the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Looking for some laughs? Well, welcome to the club! Tonight in our audience is a great Moderator, Mokele. And before you ask, those aren't bearded dragons on his cheeks, they're sideburns! He's a world famous herpetologist and has traveled the world studying cold sores of all kinds. His troll-slaying duties as a Moderator keep him very busy when he's not playing with his lizard. Mokele's hobbies include quiet orgies on the beach, long walks off short piers and destroying downtown Tokyo. He and his girlfriend are looking forward to roasting creationists on an open fire for Christmas this year. Mokele's motto? It's cool to be cold-blooded!

Any good candidates you can think of besides Mokele and In My Memory?

I'll make this big and bold and annoying, so everyone will ignore it comepletely. If you are creating a thread on Creationism or Intelligent Design, or are posting to a thread about Creationism or Intelligent Design, you MUST run a SEARCH THIS FORUM (far right, type in Creationism or Intelligent Design as applicable) and read through what has already been posted and/or refuted. If you do not do this and end up posting the same old non-scientific ideas (yes, this is a science forum) filled with fallacious arguments and mangled science, the thread/post WILL BE DELETED. Furthermore, if this was the only reason you joined up and you continue to try to post along these lines, you will be deemed inconsistent with our purpose and YOU WILL BE BANNED. If you have run the Search, read the appropriate threads and still feel you have something new and worthwhile to bring up, feel free to post it. Frankly we would welcome new insight, but are too overworked and underpaid to deal with the same old garbage ad infinitum, ad nauseam, so such will be trashed ad libitum.

WARNING: Gir Stand-ups coming for the holidays! In the meantime, here's an answer from one of Dave's old geometry exams:

IMO, what makes the above joke really funny is if Kylie has to agree to dress up like a man, not just look different by messing up her hair and smearing mud on herself. It's funnier if the guy just has to brag to another guy. Amazing Anagrams Dormitory = Dirty Room Desperation = A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind = A thin man left planet, makes a large stride, ran, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party but she got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party without her. He protested but eventually took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and decided to go the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was but she knew what his was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every babe he could. The wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear, and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Two, in fact. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "Didn't dance at all. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and Paul, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

A blond was sitting on a train reading the newspaper. The headlines blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." "That's horrible," she muttered to herself. Then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

How would this be different from the Pseudosciences forum we already have?

Dr. Spock was a pediatrician! Don't you mean Mr. Spock, wistful-boy?!? Welcome aboard, mike90.

Swapping spit at 20 below can be dangerous. I remember reading that kissing was a holdover from infant behavior where the response to having a cheek stroked by the mother's breast was to start sucking in anticipation of being fed. Idk if there is any research to back that up.

Ah, but you have our sympathies, Patrick. Summer in New Orleans is like wearing a wet wool blanket to the beach, but without the breeze.

Welcome aboard, new people! If you're curious about your 0 post counts, it's because posts in General Discussion don't count towards them. So proceed to the Science forums, take chances, get dirty, make mistakes and enjoy! We're glad to have you here.

Wife: "What would you do if I died?" Husband: "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset." Wife: "Would you remarry?" Husband: "No, of couse not, dear." Wife: "Don't you like being married?" Husband: "Of course I do, dear. You're right, I guess I'd remarry." Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" Husband: "Well, she'd be my wife, so I suppose I would." Wife: "I see. And would you let her wear my old clothes?" Husband: "I suppose so. No sense letting them go to waste." Wife: "Really. Would you take down my pictures and put up pictures of her?" Husband: "I think that would be the correct thing to do." Wife: "Is that so? And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too?" Husband: "Absolutely not! She's left-handed."

Wicked, animal-loving, dominatrix/cheerleader = funny Reformed, former cheerleader = zzzzzzzzzzz They may be nerds, but this crowd will eat you alive if you're zzzzzzzzzzz. Ants! Honey! Woo-hoooo!

Well, it looks like AzurePhoenix is through teaching Nevermore to keep his obsessive, compulsive, broken and mangled hands to himself. Azure, release him and let the paramedics do their job now or the club will charge you to get the bloodstains out of the carpet. AzurePhoenix is a cheerleader at Abu Ghraib Arizona High School. Think of her as a cross between Kim Possible and the Marquis de Sade. Then violently throttle anything even remotely Disney and you begin to get the picture. She loves animals of all kinds (no, not you, Callipygous). She's been known to track down poachers and stake them to the top of Arizona anthills. That's why she always carries that little plastic squeezy-bear bottle of honey in a holster on her hip. Her date couldn't make it tonight. When he got to her house he accidentally stepped on her cat's tail. Fortunately, Azure's father is a policeman, so he was able to finally pull her off the poor guy and call for an ambulance... and backup. Happy Birthday, AzurePhoenix!

Hey everybody, Nevermore's in the audience! In raven language, his name means, "Man, are YOU depressing!" I'm glad he finally decided to join us at the comedy club. Nevermore has obsessive-compulsive disorder, so it's taken him seven months to decide where to sit. Good choice, right next to the gorgeous AzurePhoenix. Ooops, he accidentally touched her knee, which would normally be OK with Azure, but with his OCD he now has to do it 99 more times. Good luck explaining that, groping-boy! I've tried to tell him that his OCD helps with things like math and keeping his room tidy, but I made the mistake of telling him he has to see the glass as half full, not half empty. He spent a week filling a glass exactly half full. Uh-oh, looks like AzurePhoenix is not buying his explanation. She's going to break all the fingers on his right hand, and that'll just make him uneven. Don't hit him, sweetie, just give him a road map to fold!

Yay! Jesus loves me! Who told you that? The Bible told me so! In the Bible, the Bush's are burning! Muahaha!

You're OK in MY book!

Brevity is the soul of wit. Man: "Rabbi, since we're not allowed to work on the Sabbath, is sex considered work or play?" Rabbi: "Sex is definitely play. If it was work, my wife would have the maid do it." A stick.