Phi for All

Ah, but you have our sympathies, Patrick. Summer in New Orleans is like wearing a wet wool blanket to the beach, but without the breeze.

Welcome aboard, new people! If you're curious about your 0 post counts, it's because posts in General Discussion don't count towards them. So proceed to the Science forums, take chances, get dirty, make mistakes and enjoy! We're glad to have you here.

Wife: "What would you do if I died?" Husband: "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset." Wife: "Would you remarry?" Husband: "No, of couse not, dear." Wife: "Don't you like being married?" Husband: "Of course I do, dear. You're right, I guess I'd remarry." Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" Husband: "Well, she'd be my wife, so I suppose I would." Wife: "I see. And would you let her wear my old clothes?" Husband: "I suppose so. No sense letting them go to waste." Wife: "Really. Would you take down my pictures and put up pictures of her?" Husband: "I think that would be the correct thing to do." Wife: "Is that so? And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too?" Husband: "Absolutely not! She's left-handed."

Wicked, animal-loving, dominatrix/cheerleader = funny Reformed, former cheerleader = zzzzzzzzzzz They may be nerds, but this crowd will eat you alive if you're zzzzzzzzzzz. Ants! Honey! Woo-hoooo!

Well, it looks like AzurePhoenix is through teaching Nevermore to keep his obsessive, compulsive, broken and mangled hands to himself. Azure, release him and let the paramedics do their job now or the club will charge you to get the bloodstains out of the carpet. AzurePhoenix is a cheerleader at Abu Ghraib Arizona High School. Think of her as a cross between Kim Possible and the Marquis de Sade. Then violently throttle anything even remotely Disney and you begin to get the picture. She loves animals of all kinds (no, not you, Callipygous). She's been known to track down poachers and stake them to the top of Arizona anthills. That's why she always carries that little plastic squeezy-bear bottle of honey in a holster on her hip. Her date couldn't make it tonight. When he got to her house he accidentally stepped on her cat's tail. Fortunately, Azure's father is a policeman, so he was able to finally pull her off the poor guy and call for an ambulance... and backup. Happy Birthday, AzurePhoenix!

Hey everybody, Nevermore's in the audience! In raven language, his name means, "Man, are YOU depressing!" I'm glad he finally decided to join us at the comedy club. Nevermore has obsessive-compulsive disorder, so it's taken him seven months to decide where to sit. Good choice, right next to the gorgeous AzurePhoenix. Ooops, he accidentally touched her knee, which would normally be OK with Azure, but with his OCD he now has to do it 99 more times. Good luck explaining that, groping-boy! I've tried to tell him that his OCD helps with things like math and keeping his room tidy, but I made the mistake of telling him he has to see the glass as half full, not half empty. He spent a week filling a glass exactly half full. Uh-oh, looks like AzurePhoenix is not buying his explanation. She's going to break all the fingers on his right hand, and that'll just make him uneven. Don't hit him, sweetie, just give him a road map to fold!

Yay! Jesus loves me! Who told you that? The Bible told me so! In the Bible, the Bush's are burning! Muahaha!

You're OK in MY book!

Brevity is the soul of wit. Man: "Rabbi, since we're not allowed to work on the Sabbath, is sex considered work or play?" Rabbi: "Sex is definitely play. If it was work, my wife would have the maid do it." A stick.

Did I say they were? You owe us two jokes now. Make 'em funny. Cashier: "You must be single." Callipygous: "You can tell that from what I'm buying?" Cashier: "No, you're ugly!"

Funny is what we're looking for. Against forum policy.

The Pope dies + your pedophilia reference + Introduce yourself thread ≠ humor. Trust me, I know humor.

Newtonian wakes up after surgery and asks, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answers, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."

Q. What does HMO stand for? A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same. Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A. No. Only those you need. Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories -- those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away! Q. What are pre-existing conditions? A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it. Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment. Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment. Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A. Poke yourself in the eye. Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do? A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries. Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus. Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick. Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it. Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses. Q. Will health care be any different in the next century? A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Let's go with mine so younger member's parents continue to view us as an educational resource. And for you parents of teenagers who are reading this, we want you to know that certain vulgar words like ****, ****, ***** and **** will automatically be blanked out, replaced by asterisks in the actual post. You can't protect your children from all of the internet's vulgarity, but you can rest assured they won't get that **** here.

BTW = By the way J/K = Just kidding OTOH = On the other hand PM = Personal Message IRC = Internet Relay Chat LOL = Laughing out loud ROFL = Rolling on the floor laughing WTF = Where's THAT from?!?

But hopefully you know at least how fast you're going. Welcome.

Scary.

The egg, because the thing that laid the egg that became the first actual chicken was not quite a chicken yet. So philosophy has to be the egg, since without it, science was not quite science yet. But that's another thread. Welcome!

I noticed the serial number on the condom I used last night was 777,777,777,777. Serial number?! Condoms don't have serial numbers! I guess you don't unroll them as far as I do!

Congrats, man, we missed you. Have a cup of coffee and a breath mint and start reading.

Might he be referring to your avatar? I am not receiving the GIF picture in your avatar, it just shows up as a blank called "Stephy's Avatar".

Thanks, YT! I was going to do it when I made Mod but thought it would be an abuse of power if I did it too soon. Speaking of sticky: A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.