Phi for All

$#&*! This thread now has the %&*#ing highest post count of any @*%$#^@ thread EVER here at SFN! Thanks for all the %&*#ing funny, guys and gals! Keep it coming! A dutiful son has been trying to find a nursing home for his aged father, but the father always finds something wrong with every one. Finally, the son takes his father to a nursing home with the best reputation in the city. The food is great, the staff is extremely attentive, the healthcare superb and the other patients seem very sociable. The son signs his father up. The next day, the old man is in one of the recreation rooms sitting on the sofa watching TV when one of the nurses sees him start to lean sideways. Immediately she rushes in and straightens him up, fearing he might fall off the couch if she's not careful. A few minutes later, the old man begins to lean to the other side, and once again the nurse rushes to his aid. This happens several more time before the old man gets up and goes to his room. In his room, the old man calls his son and tells him, "Come get me out of here, I hate this place!" The son asks, "Pop, what's wrong with this place?" The old man says, "They're too strict! They won't even let you FART here!"

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, but then he realizes that the Pope is concerned for the unfortunate people, the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady reappears topless, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing your blouse properly." "But Father, I have a divine right," she tells him. He looks her up and down and says, "I see that, and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse!"

Ya know, when I was 20 and I got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 30, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 50 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand! Are you worried about getting old? Hell, no! I'm just wondering how much STRONGER I'm gonna get!

I was just up at the Fort doing some biz with HP last week. I'm down in Denver (suburbia). Welcome to SFN, I hope you enjoy it.

25 posts in the Jokes Section and only 5 contain jokes. You're 34 years old (according to your bio), and you STILL can't use the Jokes Section properly? One morning Cap'n Refsmmat's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation. Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. Mama Refsmmat told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation. Papa Refsmmat sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

Do not ask these people for recipes! They'll give them to you with all the ingredients in chemical symbols. And they love pranks. Welcome!

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, whenever I drink coffe, I get this excruciating pain in my eye!"Doctor: "Take the spoon out of the cup!" A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you 'hurt all over'?" The blonde touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! See, I hurt right there." Then she touches her other leg. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her chin. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY FACE HURTS!" The doctor says, "Sweetie, your finger's broken!" A guy staggers home at 3am, drunk as a skunk, lets himself in and tries to walk upstairs. He reaches the top, loses his balance, and falls backwards down the stairs. Unfortunately, he had a pint bottle of whisky in his back pocket that broke during the fall. Wincing the whole way back upstairs, he makes it to the bathroom, drops his pants and checks out his lacerated butt in the mirror. Finally, he manages to pull all the little slivers of glass out. He cleans up as best he can and drags himself to bed, miraculously without waking his wife. The next morning he wakes up in total agony. His head is pounding and his ass feels like it's on fire. Before he can get out of bed, his wife walks in with some coffee. "Boy, you must have really tied one on last night," she says. "I was perfectly sober," he tells her. "Charley and I had a beer or two and he drove me home. I made it to bed without even waking you." "You must have been blasted! If you were perfectly sober, how'd you hurt yourself?" she asks. "What makes you think I was drunk and hurt myself?" he asks cautiously. "Well," she says, "I figured it out when I saw all the bandaids on the bathroom mirror!"

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" The blonde looks up and down the river, then back at the brunette. She frowns and calls back, "You ARE on the other side!" Q. Why is prostitution the perfect business? A. You got it, you sell it, you still got it!

Zeke and Ike are sitting on the front porch in a couple of rocking chairs, enjoying the occasional breeze on a hot summer's day. At one point, Ike elbows Zeke and points down at the dog, who is thoroughly licking his own balls. "I sure wish I could do that!" says Ike, grinning. Zeke frowns and says, "I think you should pet him first."

Since you're "worn off", I won't bother again. A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private church school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "Are they teaching you math in a different way?" she asks. "Not really," he says, "but as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, it's good to be back! I see we have Pangloss in the audience tonight. What exactly is that, some new kind of Teflon coating? Seriously, we're glad he could make it, even though he's lost his tan and he's looking kind of pruney. Was it a little overcast at the beach in Florida this summer? After surviving all those hurricanes, I think he's extra pale after looking up here on stage and seeing a Tin Man with a microphone. You're not in Florida anymore, Dorothy! Pangloss is still an undecided Florida voter, so both candidates are trying to woo him. I think he has enough ketchup and grits to last a lifetime! Kerry and Bush both chipped in and bought him a vintage Corvair, just to piss off Nader! Just remember, DON'T TURN RIGHT TOO FAST, PANGLOSS!

A stranger was seated next to Sayonara³ on the plane when the stranger turned to Sayonara³ and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Sayonara³, who had just opened his new biology book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Sayonara³. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces large clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Sayonara³, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut that out!" The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. After about five minutes the second tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger apologizes again and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again licks the but of the lead tiger. The lead tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I told you to stop!" The second tiger says, "I really am sorry, but I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day but the specimen cup was empty. When the doctor asked why, the old man told him, "Well , doc, I took the specimen cup home yesterday and at first I tried with my right hand and... nothing. Then I tried with my left hand and still... nothing. I had my wife try, right hand, left hand, both hands, nothing. She even tried using her mouth!" The doctor, getting a little embarassed, said, "And?" The old guy said, "And, we still couldn't get the lid off the specimen cup!"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman says, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women turn to look at her until she finally replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God!'"

Some from emails friends have sent' date=' some from the web, but most are from memory. Have you ever had someone ask you to tell them a joke? I always draw a blank when this happens. But the minute someone [b']tells[/b] me a joke, I suddenly remember five more. And in telling those five, I remember ten more.... This last one was that way. Someone told me the joke about the wife who told her husband her car wouldn't start because there was water in the carburetor, which was true since the car was in the pool (it's already been posted). While I was being polite and listening, I remembered the joke with the pool full of alligators. It's an oldy and a goody. A warden from the Everglades Fish & Game Dept hears a commotion in the swamp one day and guides his boat over to investigate. Suddenly, he sees a blonde woman, dressed in a high fashion miniskirt and sweater ensemble, shoot up out of the water, wrestling a twelve-foot alligator! In awe, he watches as she drags the flailing creature to shore, throw it down on the ground and pin it on it's backside. The blonde looks at the creature's feet, and with a disgusted look on her face, jumps up and kicks the huge reptile back into the water, complaining, "Oh, poo! That one doesn't have any shoes, either!"

Once there was a billionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The billionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the billionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition for every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter's hand in marriage, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The billionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want to know who pushed me in the pool!"

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill tells him, between bursts of laughter, "To your house!"

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in a brown suit. She'd specifically told the undertaker she wanted him buried in his blue suit. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" The reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a few moments later. Miraculously, the corpse was in the proper blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. We'd accidentally dressed another body in your husband's blue suit, and your husband in his brown one. All we had to do was switch heads!"

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was angry that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to bring one-third less coffee than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I sip some coffee right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" The gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history were relaxing. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel wearing shorts and watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Watch it, Gilded! Of all the different sexes, women are my favorite! George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. President, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'." Bush, being a nice guy, readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush walks up and says, "Hello, Steve." The little man says, "F**k off, George! Can't you see I'm busy?"