Phi for All

I LOVE IT!!! And I can't believe I forgot my old pal, Gilded. I thought he'd already been roasted, but I forgot he was frozen solid to begin with, so it takes a little longer with the Finns. Being so close to the former Soviet Union, these guys took the "Cold War" a little too literally! But seriously, Gilded is a funny guy, a real gas. Unfortunately, it's radon gas, but if you stand downwind you'll be OK. He was born on the 13th also, but it was a Wednesday, so he's unlucky AND impatient. His mom tells us that Gilded was an immaculate conception. An Immaculate is 1 oz. of Kahlua®, 1 oz. of Peppermint Schnapps and 1 oz. of Finlandia Vodka. She'd had a few too many and got frisky in the sauna. Oh, the Finns love their saunas! Give Gilded some hot rocks, a little cold water and a leggy blonde and he'll drop his towel in a Helsinki minute. Especially if the blonde is into S&M with birch whisks and naked snow romping! And he's likely to offer her his favorite breakfast in the morning: corn flakes with a vodka, phosphor and strontium aluminate blend. The perfect way to start the day with that special "glow". Thanks for coming, Gilded, and thanks for being your own light source!

I LOVE IT!!! And I can't believe I forgot my old pal, Gilded. I thought he'd already been roasted, but I forgot he was frozen solid to begin with, so it takes a little longer with the Finns. Being so close to the former Soviet Union, these guys took the "Cold War" a little too literally! But seriously, Gilded is a funny guy, a real gas. Unfortunately, it's radon gas, but if you stand downwind you'll be OK. He was born on the 13th also, but it was a Wednesday, so he's unlucky AND impatient. His mom tells us that Gilded was an immaculate conception. An Immaculate is 1 oz. of Kahlua®, 1 oz. of Peppermint Schnapps and 1 oz. of Finlandia Vodka. She'd had a few too many and got frisky in the sauna. Oh, the Finns love their saunas! Give Gilded some hot rocks, a little cold water and a leggy blonde and he'll drop his towel in a Helsinki minute. Especially if the blonde is into S&M with birch whisks and naked snow romping! And he's likely to offer her his favorite breakfast in the morning: corn flakes with a vodka, phosphor and strontium aluminate blend. The perfect way to start the day with that special "glow". Thanks for coming, Gilded, and thanks for being your own light source!

I just bought the new Heisenberg Quantum sports car and I love it! It's got lots of speed but if you check to see how fast you're going, you don't know where you are.

I just bought the new Heisenberg Quantum sports car and I love it! It's got lots of speed but if you check to see how fast you're going, you don't know where you are.

A handsome young lad named Gilded went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me." "I know!" grinned Gilded. "But the nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

A married guy comes home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's going on?" he asks. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?!"

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said "This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses."

After hearing a couple's complaints that their sex life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counsellor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try The Wheelbarrow. With her lying on her stomach, hands on the floor, you lift her legs from behind and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, okay," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second," she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parent's house."

One golfer tells another: "Hey, I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other golfer, lining up his next shot, replies, "Nice trade!"

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?" He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?" Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes." Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

A wife suspected her husband was cheating on her. One day, she dialed her home number and a strange woman answered. The wife said, "Who is this?" "This is the maid," answered the woman on the other end. "We don't have a maid," said the wife. The maid said, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house." The wife said, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?" The maid replied, "He is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was his wife." The wife was furious. She said to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $10,000?" The maid said, "What do you want me to do?" The wife told her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot my husband and the bitch he's with." The maid put the phone down and the wife heard footsteps and then eventually she heard the gun shots. The maid came back to the phone and asked, "What should I do with the bodies?" The wife said, "Throw them in the swimming pool." There's a pause and then the maid said, "This house doesn't have a swimming pool." There's a longer pause and then the wife said, "Is this 555-4821?"

A crowded United Air Lines flight was cancelled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted, "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!" The young agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear, "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore, "Screw you!" Without flinching, she smiled an said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, he's just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and *splash* they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sinks straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places him at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then ten seconds before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

Once Gilded walked into a Arctic Ice Bar in Finland, got a drink and had a seat. He's a good looking guy, so during the course of the evening he tried to chat with every single woman who walked into the bar, but he had no luck. Suddenly, a really ugly guy, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly guy, walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Frustrated by all this, Gilded says to the bartender, "Excuse me, but that really ugly dude just came in here and left with those two gorgeous women. What's his secret? They all passed me by and took up with the Hunchback of Helsinki there. What's up with that?" "Well," Said the bartender, "I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...."

A bear and a rabbit are out in the woods taking a shit together. They finish and the bear leans over to the rabbit and says, "Tell me, do you ever have a problem with the shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says "No, I never have." The bear says, "Good," and he wipes his ass with the rabbit.

A woman who had terrible luck with men decided to place an ad for the perfect man in the personals section of the newspaper. She specified that she wanted a man who wouldn't beat her, wouldn't run out on her, and was fantastic in bed. Any many fruitless replies via the post and email, one day her doorbell rang. When she answered it, she saw a man with no arms or legs lying on her doormat. "Hi," he said, "I'm here to answer your ad. I'm the perfect man for you!" Looking down at him, she asks, "What makes you think you're the perfect man for me?" He says, "Well, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run out on you." She says, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" He winks and says, "Hey, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

$#&*! This thread now has the %&*#ing highest post count of any @*%$#^@ thread EVER here at SFN! Thanks for all the %&*#ing funny, guys and gals! Keep it coming! A dutiful son has been trying to find a nursing home for his aged father, but the father always finds something wrong with every one. Finally, the son takes his father to a nursing home with the best reputation in the city. The food is great, the staff is extremely attentive, the healthcare superb and the other patients seem very sociable. The son signs his father up. The next day, the old man is in one of the recreation rooms sitting on the sofa watching TV when one of the nurses sees him start to lean sideways. Immediately she rushes in and straightens him up, fearing he might fall off the couch if she's not careful. A few minutes later, the old man begins to lean to the other side, and once again the nurse rushes to his aid. This happens several more time before the old man gets up and goes to his room. In his room, the old man calls his son and tells him, "Come get me out of here, I hate this place!" The son asks, "Pop, what's wrong with this place?" The old man says, "They're too strict! They won't even let you FART here!"

The Pope is visiting town and all the residents are dressed up in their best Sunday clothes. Everyone lines up on main street hoping for a personal blessing from the Pope. One local man has put on his best suit and he's sure the Pope will stop and talk to him. He is standing next to an exceptionally down-trodden looking bum who doesn't smell very good. As the Pope comes walking by he leans over and says something to the bum and then walks right by the local man. He can't believe it, but then he realizes that the Pope is concerned for the unfortunate people, the poor and and feeble ones. Thinking fast, he gives the bum $20 to trade clothes with him. He puts on the bum's clothing and runs down the street to line up for another chance for the Pope to stop and talk to him. Sure enough, the Pope walks right up to him this time, leans over close and says "I thought I told you to get the hell out of here!"

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady reappears topless, wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing your blouse properly." "But Father, I have a divine right," she tells him. He looks her up and down and says, "I see that, and your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse!"

Ya know, when I was 20 and I got an erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 30, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 50 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand! Are you worried about getting old? Hell, no! I'm just wondering how much STRONGER I'm gonna get!

I was just up at the Fort doing some biz with HP last week. I'm down in Denver (suburbia). Welcome to SFN, I hope you enjoy it.

25 posts in the Jokes Section and only 5 contain jokes. You're 34 years old (according to your bio), and you STILL can't use the Jokes Section properly? One morning Cap'n Refsmmat's mother was cleaning his room, and she found an S&M magazine under the bed. She was beside herself worrying and stressing trying to think of how to handle the situation. Finally her husband came home from work and he asked her how her day was. Mama Refsmmat told him about the magazine. Shaking, she asked him how they were going handle this situation. Papa Refsmmat sat there for awhile, sighed, and said, "Well, I guess spanking him is out of the question."

Do not ask these people for recipes! They'll give them to you with all the ingredients in chemical symbols. And they love pranks. Welcome!

Patient: "Doctor, doctor, whenever I drink coffe, I get this excruciating pain in my eye!"Doctor: "Take the spoon out of the cup!" A blonde walks into a doctor's office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, "Doc, I hurt all over." The doctor says, "What do you mean, you 'hurt all over'?" The blonde touches herself on her leg. "OW!!! See, I hurt right there." Then she touches her other leg. "OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!" Then she touches her chin. "OW!!!!! EVEN MY FACE HURTS!" The doctor says, "Sweetie, your finger's broken!" A guy staggers home at 3am, drunk as a skunk, lets himself in and tries to walk upstairs. He reaches the top, loses his balance, and falls backwards down the stairs. Unfortunately, he had a pint bottle of whisky in his back pocket that broke during the fall. Wincing the whole way back upstairs, he makes it to the bathroom, drops his pants and checks out his lacerated butt in the mirror. Finally, he manages to pull all the little slivers of glass out. He cleans up as best he can and drags himself to bed, miraculously without waking his wife. The next morning he wakes up in total agony. His head is pounding and his ass feels like it's on fire. Before he can get out of bed, his wife walks in with some coffee. "Boy, you must have really tied one on last night," she says. "I was perfectly sober," he tells her. "Charley and I had a beer or two and he drove me home. I made it to bed without even waking you." "You must have been blasted! If you were perfectly sober, how'd you hurt yourself?" she asks. "What makes you think I was drunk and hurt myself?" he asks cautiously. "Well," she says, "I figured it out when I saw all the bandaids on the bathroom mirror!"

A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" The blonde looks up and down the river, then back at the brunette. She frowns and calls back, "You ARE on the other side!" Q. Why is prostitution the perfect business? A. You got it, you sell it, you still got it!