Phi for All

Lawyers make the best racquetball players; they can stoop lower than anybody! The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name. It's so cold this winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets! The difference between a lawyer and a leech is that when you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off. The most effective hostages terrorists can take are lawyers; if the terrorist's demands aren't met, they release one every hour.

An engineer, a scientist, and a lawyer all went deer hunting for the first time. After two days of no luck they decided to split up. When they met back at camp that night, the engineer had bagged himself a deer. "It was really quite easy," he said when the other two asked him about it. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer." The next day the scientist came back to camp dragging in his kill. "You were right," he told the engineer, "it was easy. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer." The following evening the engineer and the scientist came back to camp, only to find the lawyer all beat up and bleeding. When they asked what happened, the lawyer told them, "I did just what you guys said to do. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got hit by a train!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you." The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "Good," replied the man. "I'll have a beer, and gimme a lawyer for my 'gator."

Yeah, I decided to use his bubble after I had written the sarcasm. Try me, the next one will be better. I kinda like using Cartman to swear like $%&* but I'm afraid people will take it personally.

Everyone's a critic! I'll try to remember some old Clinton jokes for Cap'n since he can't be bothered! 5614, I'm sorry the penis jokes were so offensive to you! I thought only Americans were uptight about their willies! I'll try real hard to remember all the humor criteria you've set forth. Thanks so much for your input on my efforts. I don't know what I would do without it. Perhaps in the future I should PM the two of you before posting. There's nothing funnier than humor by committee! DISMISSED!!!

Bush and Kerry went fishing. Kerry went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back empty-handed and Kerry came back with fifteen. The next day Bush still didn't catch any and Kerry caught twenty-seven fish. So on the third day, Bush sent a CIA "contractor" to spy on Kerry. Bush didn't catch a thing and Kerry caught thirty-four fish that day. Bush furiously demands to know from the CIA if Kerry is cheating. "Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announced, "All right, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now." A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?" Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground. After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions." A little girl raised her hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?"

I love that one, aommaster! A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". The prosecuting attorney relentlessly badgered the man about how much force was used. Finally, when he was asked by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant stood up, approached the lawyer, punched him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him head-first over the table to crash into the audience section. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

I do have some standards when it comes to humor, but I realize not everyone shares them, especially mothers. I think it's perfectly fine to mention anatomy as long as no one is doing anything overtly sexual with said anatomy. References to having had sex are very different from graphically describing it in situ. I prefer not to listen or post jokes that involve a lot of profanity. Very few jokes actually need it to be funny, unless it's one of those Dirty Johnny types that shock by having a small child using dirty words. Those get old real quick anyway. I will try keep my standards much more PG-13 from now on.

I LOVE IT, YT! And although the young man's name was Phi, I assume you're referring to me as the turkey! I get the message, no more penis jokes! It'll be hard on me, considering the stiff front erected by the other joke posters, but I'll try not to blow it.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he beat the man almost unconscious and dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, fully conscious now and terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you???!?" The husband, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, handed the man the hacksaw and said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Jack had worked in a pickle factory for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. It was on his mind night and day. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jack said he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Jack came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Jack?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you about my urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Jack, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Jack, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Jack. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh! She got fired, too."

Everybody give a funny wave to admiral ju_00, ladies man, Camaro man, Piltdown Man! Just kidding, he follows Charles Darwin, NOT Charles Dawson! When he's not blowing the doors off all the wasabi-burners in Loo-a-vull, he can be found brushing crumbs off the remains of some prehistoric pachycephalosaurus part in his Ole Kentucky Home. It's tough to think of something funnier than being a paleontologist. Throw me a bone, will ya? This Louisville Slugger always manages to navigate his way home safely, even after slugging down a fifth of that smooth Kentucky bourbon. No one knows how a guy in his 20's got to be an admiral, but we suspect his IROC Z might have ended up in the Ohio River one night after too much "studying" at Ray's Blues Bar. Good luck with the dinosaurs, admiral, you're going to need to dig up plenty of cash to pay off those student loans!

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'Rodeo'. His friend said, "No, what is it?" "Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands and say, 'Boy, these are almost as nice as your sister's'. Then you try to hang on for eight seconds."

Emily Sue passed away and Joe Bob, her redneck husband called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Joe Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Joe Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Hooray! The Official SFN Jokes Section now has more people viewing it than the Guns thread in Politics. Over 5000 of you think it's better to laugh than to kill. Good choice! You know what's funny? Not guns! I'm so glad you take the time to enjoy a chuckle while you reload. Just remember this: You don't need to kill a person with a gun. If you tell them a great joke they'll be doubled over, helpless with laughter, and you can just run away or club them to death with your shoe or something. We've beat the Guns thread in Views, but we're still behind in Posts. If you hear a great joke, write it down, or if you can't write, force someone else at gunpoint to write it down so you can post it here. We're counting on you to keep this thread alive and laughing. Jokes don't kill people. Except for that guy who choked on a soda at a George Carlin concert. And the woman who lost her spleen in a pun-induced explosion. Jokes don't kill very many people.

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" He tells her, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's half an hour fast."

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know? Women know NOTHING about cars," said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm pretty sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" She says, "In the swimming pool."

U.S. Presidents Carter, Bush Sr, Bush Jr and Clinton are caught in a tornado and whisked off to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly, " I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Up stepped George Bush Sr who says, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"" George Bush Jr steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain." "YOU... REALLY... DO. DONE!" says the Wizard. There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Clinton asks, "Is Dorothy here?"

There is a Debate section AND a Politics section to this forum. THIS is the Jokes section. Feel free to post ANY political JOKE. But it had better be funny.

A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are George Bush fans. Not really knowing what a George Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Billy why he has decided to be different. Billy says, "I'm not a George Bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a George Bush fan?" Billy says, "I'm a John Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan and my dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Texas, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Billy says, "THAT would make me a George Bush fan."

A man returns to the U.S. from the jungles of Borneo feeling very ill. He's immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. The man answers it and hears, "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is highly contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can slide under the door."