Phi for All

Hey, it's bloodhound! Not quite ready to meet the queen yet, are we? Mathematical genius, social vegetable. His idea of a good time is to go down to the pub, spit at the waitress, compute the arc of trajectory to fifteen decimal places, chug a Stella Artois and then smash the can against his forehead! Ooops, Stella only comes in bottles! Seriously, bloodhound is like an incontinent pitbull with a pedigree. You'd love to take him to the show and parade him around, but you're afraid he'd either attack someone or crap on everything!

Look, there's 5614! That's the number on his shirt in prison. He's in the London Asylum for the Criminally Electronic. He's a genius, but they caught him trying to order detonator caps on Ebay! He tried to convince Scotland Yard that the little farm animals he'd sculpted out of C4 were for art class! Ironically, 5614 is the year he'll be up for parole!

Let's see, Bush has:1. Brains=still searching, 2. Beauty=cat about to cough up hairball, until he smirks (which makes it worse), 3. Sense of humor=he says funny things all the time, none intentionally. Conclusion=Inamorata in 2012!

Schrodngr's_cat! Half dead, half alive, half maniac-in-training! This guy is really into torture, the whole BDSM thing. His real name is Ace Bondage! He really loves Cool Whip; not eating it, just saying it! He hopes Bush gets re-elected just for the four more years of pain! The other night his girlfriend was begging him to take off her dress and he kept saying, "NO!" Finally she said, "Come on, take it off, you're gonna stretch it!"

Brains, beauty AND a sense of humor... Dani, would you move to the US and be our next president?

Oh, great, there's Demosthenes. Listening to Weezer, eating mayo on white bread and trying not to be angry about anything. Seriously, did you know he's really a black man with a prison record living in the suburbs under the witness protection program? Sorry, D, it had to be told. I gotta say it makes me a little nervous when an ex-con with a Greek name screams, "Do ME! Do ME!", but I'll just write a little song about it! Doomy Doomy Doomy Doom!

Hey, where's Tesseract been all month? Doesn't he realize his post count is going down? When you live in Antarctica, anywhere you go for vacation's gotta be warmer. What if he comes back from vacation and starts to make sense? Then we'll have to go on vacation....

Hey, there's Aommaster! This guy has played so much Age of Mythology his head is shaped like a pyramid! He has so much God Power built up that he's been telling President Bush to invade Jordan! He's going after Egypt next, but he wants to use the Vikings instead of tanks!

I see Cap'n Refsmmat in the audience tonight. How ya doin', Cap'n? What is a Refsmmat anyway? Is it something football officials wrestle on or what? I just think of him as Cap'n Refreshment, but I'm not sure if he's old enough to drink....

I feel like posting that so many times in this thread!! Like after virtually every joke! Seriously (ha), everybody has been picking their best to post and I think we have one of the best collections of jokes I've seen in one place. Keep it up! I'm determined to beat the Guns thread in Politics. WE have a ways to go. Count on one a day from me!

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer called to solicit his donation. When he got the lawyer on the phone, he said, "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way." The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no." "Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no." "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?" The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea." The lawyer barked, "Well, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!"

A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river. He stumbles down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I didn't!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A Mafia Godfather has his thugs drag his former accountant into the room to kneel before him. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The Godfather's attorney, also present in the room, interrupts, "Godfather, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I speak sign language and I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Ask him where my money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, and cocks the trigger. The Godfather says, "Ask him again where my money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says...a fat piece of crap like you doesn't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What good deeds have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a long time, then said, "A month ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's good, but it's not really enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I gave seventy-five cents to a little old lady at the grocery store who was short on change." Saint Peter looked to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, was true. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what should we do with him?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his dollar and tell him to go to Hell."

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "I discovered that my client still has $5000 left." The National Institute of Health announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use lawyers. They have given four reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more lawyers than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the lawyers as they did to the rats. 3. Humanitarian groups won't protest the terrible things they do to them. 3. There are some things that rats just won't do.

I'm busy now!Can I ignore you some other time?

You are the blueprint for building an idiot!

You're very down-to-earth. But I wish you were deeper.

I believe in reincarnation. No one could be as stupid as you in one lifetime!

Or Kwai Chang Caine?

Bar fight? Before you'd had a pint?

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor. Halfway home, she tried to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it. She got back into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a Garth Brooks song. "This is very cool," she thought, and drove off happily. After a while she said "rock 'n' roll" and the radio changed stations to a song by the Rolling Stones. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Idiot!" ...and the radio cut over to Bush's press conference.

A man discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand at the beach. He rubs the sand off and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The man gets a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace to this region". After long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, "Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, Palestine and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm going to have to ask you to wish for something else. This wish is just too much for me". The man thinks a bit and asks, "I wish that all lawyers were honest." After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see that map again?"