Phi for All

I see Cap'n Refsmmat in the audience tonight. How ya doin', Cap'n? What is a Refsmmat anyway? Is it something football officials wrestle on or what? I just think of him as Cap'n Refreshment, but I'm not sure if he's old enough to drink....

I feel like posting that so many times in this thread!! Like after virtually every joke! Seriously (ha), everybody has been picking their best to post and I think we have one of the best collections of jokes I've seen in one place. Keep it up! I'm determined to beat the Guns thread in Politics. WE have a ways to go. Count on one a day from me!

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer, so a volunteer called to solicit his donation. When he got the lawyer on the phone, he said, "Sir, you have a successful law practice. You must be worth millions. Surely you could give back a little to your community through The United Way." The lawyer said, "First, are you aware that my mother is dying from a long, painful illness? And that she has medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Uh, no." "Second, did you know my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep mumbled another, "Uh, no." "Third, do you realize that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident leaving her penniless, with a huge mortgage and three young children?" The United Way rep was humiliated. "No, sir. I had no idea." The lawyer barked, "Well, if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?!"

A drunk stumbles upon a Baptismal service one Sunday afternoon down by the river. He stumbles down into the water and stands next to the Minister. The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am." The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked. "No!" said the drunk. The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?" "No, I didn't!" said the drunk again. Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!" The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

A Mafia Godfather has his thugs drag his former accountant into the room to kneel before him. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant doesn't answer. The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The Godfather's attorney, also present in the room, interrupts, "Godfather, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I speak sign language and I can interpret for you." The Godfather says, "Ask him where my money is!" The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is. The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, and cocks the trigger. The Godfather says, "Ask him again where my money is!" The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!" The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!" The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?" The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says...a fat piece of crap like you doesn't have the balls to pull the trigger!"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer getting hit by a car and a dog getting hit by a car? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What good deeds have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a long time, then said, "A month ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well , that's good, but it's not really enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I gave seventy-five cents to a little old lady at the grocery store who was short on change." Saint Peter looked to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, was true. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what should we do with him?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his dollar and tell him to go to Hell."

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "I discovered that my client still has $5000 left." The National Institute of Health announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use lawyers. They have given four reasons for this decision: 1. There are now more lawyers than there are rats. 2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the lawyers as they did to the rats. 3. Humanitarian groups won't protest the terrible things they do to them. 3. There are some things that rats just won't do.

I'm busy now!Can I ignore you some other time?

You are the blueprint for building an idiot!

You're very down-to-earth. But I wish you were deeper.

I believe in reincarnation. No one could be as stupid as you in one lifetime!

Or Kwai Chang Caine?

Bar fight? Before you'd had a pint?

A lady bought a new $100,000 Mercedes and proudly drove it off the showroom floor. Halfway home, she tried to change radio stations and saw that there appeared to be only one station. She immediately turned around and headed back to the dealer. The salesman calmed her down and told her that her car radio was voice-activated, and that she would only need to state aloud the type of music that she wanted and the car would find it. She got back into the car and started the engine and then said the word "country," and the radio changed to a station playing a Garth Brooks song. "This is very cool," she thought, and drove off happily. After a while she said "rock 'n' roll" and the radio changed stations to a song by the Rolling Stones. A few blocks from her house, another driver ran a light causing her to slam on her brakes to avoid a collision. The woman angrily exclaimed, "Idiot!" ...and the radio cut over to Bush's press conference.

A man discovers an ancient looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand at the beach. He rubs the sand off and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The man gets a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace to this region". After long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, "Gee, there are lots of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, Palestine and all those other places. This is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm going to have to ask you to wish for something else. This wish is just too much for me". The man thinks a bit and asks, "I wish that all lawyers were honest." After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see that map again?"

A man went to the brain store to get some brains to complete a study. He's trying to decide between scientist brains, computer-programmer brains or lawyer brains. "How much does it cost for scientist brains?" he asks. "Three dollars an ounce," replies the clerk "How much for programmer brains?" "Four dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brains?" "$1000 an ounce." "Why are lawyer brains so expensive?" "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get an ounce of brains?"

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. The devil tells him, "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

A man goes to a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever had. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?" "Happens all the time," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott," said the man "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 25-year-old stewardess who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually," said the man, "we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

Politics-Guns: 483 Replies, 4491 Views. We've gotta beat that! Do your part, tell us a joke! Second that!

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone." The Yugo guy said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. The Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb! It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Rolls went out searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night, parked, with all the windows fogged up. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his head out. "I now have a bed in my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The Yugo guy looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town in Florida spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it: KISS-a-me, ki-SIM-ee, or kiss-a-ME. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a fast-food place to get something to eat. The man said to the girl behind the counter, "Excuse me, my wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?" The girl looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnnggg."

A man sitting on a park bench notices two men dressed in county worker overalls digging with shovels. One of them digs a hole two feet deep, then moves about twenty feet away and starts digging another hole. The second one follows behind the first, filling up the hole after a few minutes have passed. The man on the bench finally says, "Why are you wasting taxpayer money by digging holes and filling them in?" One of the workers looks over at him and explains, "The guy who puts the trees in is off sick today."

Do you mean favorite joke? If you meant thread, why the past tense? This thread has to continue until it's longer than the "Guns" thread! You owe us a joke for that comment, you know! A man finds a genie in a bottle. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."