Phi for All

Hello, and welcome to Dane County Mental Health Hospital. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0. If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

A twelve-year old boy swaggers into a bar, walks up to the barmaid and says, "Bring me a double scotch straight up!" The barmaid just looks at him and says, "What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?" The boy looks her over and says, "Maybe later. For now, just bring me the scotch!"

Are we talking bars or baby harp seals?

A man is seated next to a woman on an airplane. When the plane has leveled off, the woman begins to sneeze. Each time she sneezes, she grabs the arms of her seat and arches her back for a few seconds before finally settling back down. After five of these strange sneezes, the man leans over and asks, "Are you all right? I've never seen anyone sneeze like that before!" She gives him a worn out smile and says, "I'm sorry if I've bothered you. I have a rare affliction: every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!" The man looks shocked, then says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" With a grin, the woman replies, "Pepper."

A man wakes up in the hospital after a terrible car accident and sees a doctor looking at him with a very serious expression. The man's eyes widen and he screams, "Doc, I can't feel my legs! Oh my God, I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor smiles reassuringly and says, "Your legs are fine, don't worry. You can't feel them because I had to amputate both your arms!"

It's no wonder we're all going insane: 1. You can get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back to get medicine while healthy people can buy cigarettes up at the front. 3. We leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway while our worthless junk is in the garage. 4. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 5. We cook with lemon juice made with artificial flavoring and use dishwashing liquid made with real lemons. 6. We put our faith in Psychics when none of them ever wins the lottery. 7. The most common computer operating system can only be stopped by pressing "Start". 8. When you're intoxicated, you feel sophisticated but can't say sophisticated. 9. The #2 pencil is the most popular. 10. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Engineers ARE smarter. Accountants are stingier with their money. Stupid accountants: Stanley was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two," Stanley replied. After he left the interview, he double-checked it on his calculator and realized he wouldn't get the job. Two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! When Stanley went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong, the boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

The phone company needs to hire a new crew to put in telephone poles for the summer. The applicants are two college students and two rednecks. The foreman tells them whoever puts in the most telephone poles in a day will win the job. At the end of the day the college students report that they put in twelve poles. The foreman then goes to see the rednecks, Bubba and Duke. Duke tells him, "Bubba 'n me put in three!" "But the college students put in twelve!" the foreman told them. Duke just chuckles. "Yeah, but you should see how much of 'em they left stickin' out of the ground!"

A man phones the hospital and frantically tells the doctor, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are two minutes apart!" The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?" The mans screams into the phone, "NO, you idiot! This is her husband!!!"

The CIA is hiring more contractors (assassins) and it's down to three finalists for the job: two men and a woman. For the final test the head agent takes one of the men and points to a door leading into a room, hands him a gun and tells him a CIA contractor needs to be ruthless, so he must go into the room and kill the person he finds there. The man takes the gun, jacks a shell into the chamber and walks into the room. Seated in a chair is the man's own wife. He immediately leaves the room and hands back the gun, saying, "There's no way I would kill my wife. Forget it." The head agent tells him he's not ruthless enough for the CIA. The agent takes the second man to a similar room and gives him the same instructions. He enters with the gun and stays there for a full five minutes before he comes out, sobbing, "I can't do it, not my wife! I just can't do it!" The agent tells the man he's just not ruthless enough. The agent takes the woman candidate to the door of a third room, where her husband is in the chair, and tells her to kill the person she finds there. She closes the door and six shots ring out, along with terrible screaming and sounds of a huge fight. Finally, the woman emrges from the room, pats her hair into place and tells the agent, "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A pint of Adenosine Triphosphate is 80 pence, we get it already, but does that make the rest of the jokes "abhorrant"?

A man meets a pirate in a bar and buys him a drink. He sees that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, and one of 'em bit my leg off." "Ouch!" said the man. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding a rival pirate ship and were battling the other pirates with swords, and one of 'em cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the man. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the man asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

A man seeking shelter from the rain one night finds a tall tower where an elderly Chinese man and his beautiful daughter live. The old man agrees to let the man spend the night in the top room of the tower as long as he doesn't try to fool around with the old man's daughter. He warns the man, "I will invoke upon you the Three Curses of the Rock if you touch her." The man agrees, but after seeing the beautiful daughter, he forgets about the Curses. After the old man has gone to bed he sneaks down and seduces the beautiful young woman. The next morning he wakes up to find a rock on his chest which weighs about twenty-five pounds. A note on top of the rock reads, "Curse #1: Rock on chest." The man chuckles to himself and thinks, "No big deal, I can lift this rock easily." He lifts the rock and walks with it over to the tower window and heaves the rock out. He sees, however, that the rock had some ink on it and has left a message imprinted on his right hand which reads, "Curse #2: Rock tied to right testicle." In horror, the man looks over the window sill to see the rock plummeting down to the ground trailing a stout string behind it. He quickly figures he could survive the fall from the tower so, placing his left hand on the window sill, he vaults out the window, hoping to keep the string from tightening. As he's falling he sees that ink from the window sill has left a message on his left hand that reads, "Curse #3: Left testicle tied to bedpost."

I recently had a big family reunion and heard a ton of them. Plus I'm twenty years older than most of you so you've never heard some of the "golden oldies" I was laughing at when I was your age.

A man walks into a supermarket and buys a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a single serving frozen dinner. The woman at the checkout looks at him and says, "Single, are you?" The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess, genius?" She replies, "Because you're ugly."

Albino Turnip Peelers?Always Test Promptly? Atlantic Treaty Procrastinators? Albatross Testicle Parts?

About the ATP button in the airplane loo? If not, don't stand on ceremony...

My nephew told a version of this the other night at a party, using a Scottish accent and saying "...but did they call me Haggis the Wall-Builder? Nooooooo." But he ended with, "...but screw a goat...." He had everyone in stitches with the accent but I told him later the punch was too short and it would be funnier with the ending I heard on SFN, "But hav sex with joost one GOOT...."

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?” Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says, winking. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re pinching my testicles.”

Some great quotes from the past: "I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart "If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -Dorothy Parker "Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even." -Will Rogers "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." -- David Friedman "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things." -- Woody Allen "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." - Lily Tomlin "It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."--Steven Wright "I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise."--Red Skelton "When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."--Norm Crosby "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

ROTFLMAO!!!! I wish we had a way to rate each joke without quadrupling the posts, 'cause there have been some really great ones!