Phi for All

I recently had a big family reunion and heard a ton of them. Plus I'm twenty years older than most of you so you've never heard some of the "golden oldies" I was laughing at when I was your age.

A man walks into a supermarket and buys a toothbrush, a tube of toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a pint of milk, and a single serving frozen dinner. The woman at the checkout looks at him and says, "Single, are you?" The man replies very sarcastically, "How did you guess, genius?" She replies, "Because you're ugly."

Albino Turnip Peelers?Always Test Promptly? Atlantic Treaty Procrastinators? Albatross Testicle Parts?

About the ATP button in the airplane loo? If not, don't stand on ceremony...

My nephew told a version of this the other night at a party, using a Scottish accent and saying "...but did they call me Haggis the Wall-Builder? Nooooooo." But he ended with, "...but screw a goat...." He had everyone in stitches with the accent but I told him later the punch was too short and it would be funnier with the ending I heard on SFN, "But hav sex with joost one GOOT...."

A blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if the store carries extra-large condoms. “Yes we do,” he says. “Would you like to buy some?” “No,” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around until someone does?” Two lawyers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them. “As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.” “I know the feeling,” the other says, winking. “No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re pinching my testicles.”

Some great quotes from the past: "I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.” - Bob Newhart "If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to." -Dorothy Parker "Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even." -Will Rogers "The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations." -- David Friedman "Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought---particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things." -- Woody Allen "Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." - Lily Tomlin "It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature."--Steven Wright "I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise."--Red Skelton "When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty."--Norm Crosby "Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

ROTFLMAO!!!! I wish we had a way to rate each joke without quadrupling the posts, 'cause there have been some really great ones!

A redneck and a man from England were up for the same job in the States. They were both put in a room and given a 10 question test to complete to determine who would get hired. After completing the test, the manager brought them both into his office and, even though both men had scored identically on the test, he gave the job to the Englishman. "Hold on, here!" cried the redneck. "I'm an American! If we both got the same score, why wouldn't you hire me over some foreigner?" The manager said, "Actually it's because of the one question you both missed. For #5 he wrote 'I don't know' and you wrote 'Me neither'.

An old man lived alone in the country. His only son was in prison for bank robbery, and the old man had no one to turn the dirt in his vegetable garden. The old man wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the MONEY!" At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any money. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your vegetables, Dad."

There were two priests that rode their bicycles to church every Sunday. One Sunday the first priest shows up without his bike. The other priest asks him where it is and the first priest says, "I think it was stolen!" The other priest says, "In today's sermon, read off the Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou shall not steal', someone will confess to the theft." Later they saw each other and the first priest had his bicycle back. "I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?" the other priest asks. The first priest says, "Well, kind of. When I was reading the commandments and I got to 'Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery', I remembered where I left it."

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late: a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass in the back of the classroom asked, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" The class exploded in laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look. "Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand!"

I believe in the value-added approach! Actually, I tried to smiley my beastly sarcasm but it put the grin at the top of the post. A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort up the mountains. They registered on Saturday but had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I see...well, would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

Thanks for the explanation! Saves me having to burn up bandwidth with PMs to Dave on all the tough math problems. Two nuns bicycling down a cobbled street. The first one says, "I've never come this way before." The second one replies, "Must be the cobbles." If you didn't understand, PM Dave.

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The pastor then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" asked the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of beans on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," said the pastor. "We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at the supermarket any more either."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is totalled but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." He hands the bottle to the priest and the priest takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and puts it away. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."

Here's a nice clean one you can tell your grandma: A preschool teacher was driving a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children started arguing about what the dog's duties are. "They use him to keep the crowds back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "he's there for good luck." A third child said, "No silly, they use the dog to find the fire hydrant!"

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $4. "But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer. "Okay," says the bartender, "If you said you paid, you did." The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt. The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks. The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

A yuppie in a BMW tries to pass a slow bus and ends up sideswiping a semi. Everyone is OK except the yuppie. The sideswipe took off both of his left side doors AND his left arm. When the sheriff shows up the yuppie is in the front seat moaning, "My Beamer, my Beamer." The sheriff winces and says, "The car can be replaced, sir, but I'm afraid your left arm is gone at the shoulder." The yuppie looks down at it and his eyes widen. "Oh my GOD," screams the yuppie. "My ROLEX!!!"

Women like men who make them laugh. "Sense of humor" is highly subjective. Never tell a woman a dumb blond joke if you want a second date because many women just read "dumb blond" as "dumb woman". I'll let you in on a big secret. The main mental difference between men and women has nothing to do with logic. It's all about FOCUS. Men are focussed tactically on the situations facing them immediately. We see a fire, we put it out. Women are focussed strategically on the big picture. They worry about EVERYTHING all at once. They see a fire, they think "If I let it burn it could hurt somebody, but it could be good for the forest, but it may get out of control, but it may provide a better ecosystem, but rain may put it out without spending effort, but smoke could cause problems in another area, but it could...". Men tend to think this is illogical but it's not, it's just a different focus. Sorry, didn't mean to get philosophical. I owe you a joke: A bum asks a man for $2. The man asks, "Will you buy booze?" The bum says, "No." The man asks, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum says, "No." Then the man asks, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

At the cinema the other day I saw an old man and his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. When the film was over, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," I said. "Your dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it IS amazing. He HATED the book!"

But telling jokes like that* will keep you single! *Post #101

A man pulls up in front of Chase-Manhattan bank in New York City in a brand new Mercedes. He's in an Armani suit and wearing a Rolex Presidential on his wrist. He enters the bank and asks to see the head of the loan department. He's ushered into the VPs office and the VP greets him warmly. "What can we do for you today, sir?" "I wish to borrow $5000," the man tells him. "For what reason, if I may ask?" "I'm taking a two week trip to Italy and I need some spending money." The VP tells him, "We'll need some collateral." The gentleman pulls out the keys and the title to his Mercedes, which he owns outright, and after going outside to check on the immaculate condition of the car and filling out some paperwork, the VP agrees to the loan. Two weeks later, the gentleman is back in the VPs office, ready to pay off the loan. "With interest, you owe us $5015.37." The gentleman writes a check, collects his title and keys and starts to leave, but the VP can't help but ask, "Sir, I checked your financial status and it seems you are worth quite a lot of money. Why did you come to Chase Manhattan for such a small loan?" The gentleman smiled and said, "Where else could I park my car in downtown New York for 2 weeks for $15.37?"

You're still single, right?