Phi for All

An old couple go to the doctor. The old man goes first to have his physical. When the doctor is done with him, he sends the old man back into the waiting room and calls the old woman in. The doctor tells her, "Before we proceed with your examination, I would like to talk to you about your husband first." The old woman says, "Oh, no, it's his heart. I told him to lay off the eggs." The doctor says, "His heart is fine, but I asked your husband how he is feeling and he told me he felt great. He said that when he got up to go to the bathroom, he opened the door and God turned the light on for him. When he was done, he would shut the door and God would turn the light out for him." The old woman responded, "Damn it, he's peeing in the fridge again!"

Three guys are driving around, drinking beers and having a laugh when the driver looks in the mirror and sees the flashing lights of a police car telling him to pull over. The other two are really worried. "What are we going to do with our beers? We're in big trouble!" "Hold on," the driver says, "it's OK, just pull the label off your bottle and stick it on your forehead," and when they've all done that and stashed the bottles, he pulls over. The police officer then walks up and says, "You guys were swerving all around the road back there. Have you been drinking?" "Oh, no, officer," says the driver, pointing to his forehead, "We're trying to give it up. We're on the patch!"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved, so they could send their son to college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?" Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"

A young man truly in love with his fiance decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while his penis was erect. When it was flaccid all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica the man was in a bathroom, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had W Y tattooed on his penis. The American saw it and said, "Oh is your girl named Wendy, too?" The Jamaican replied, "No, mine says 'Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day'."

A man and his blonde wife are so down on their luck that the husband finally tells her, "Sweetie, I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but you're going to have to become a prostitute and have sex with other men for money or we'll lose the house, the car, EVERYTHING!" She reluctantly agrees and goes out looking for customers. At dawn the next morning the blonde comes home and the husband asks how she did. "Pretty good for my first night," she says. "I made $420 and fifty cents." "Fifty cents?" says the guy. "Who gave you fifty cents?" The blonde says, "Well, everybody!"

It was delicious!

Five doctors went duck hunting one day. Included in the group were a GP, a pediatrician, a psychiatrist, a surgeon and a pathologist. After a while, a bird came winging overhead. The first to react was the GP who raised his shotgun, but then hesitated. "I'm not quite sure it's a duck," he said, "I think that I will have to get a second opinion." And of course by that time, the bird was long gone. Another bird appeared in the sky. This time, the pediatrician drew a bead on it. He too, however, was unsure if it was really a duck in his sights and besides, it might have babies. "I'll have to do some more investigations," he muttered, as the creature made good its escape. Next to spy a bird flying was the sharp-eyed psychiatrist. Shotgun shouldered, he was more certain of his intended prey's identity. "Now, I know it's a duck, but does it know it's a duck?" The fortunate bird disappeared while the fellow wrestled with this dilemma. Finally, a fourth fowl sped past and this time the surgeon's weapon pointed skywards. BOOM!! The surgeon lowered his smoking gun and turned nonchalantly to the pathologist beside him. "Go see if that was a duck, will ya?"

A woman went with her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions, your husband will die." "Be pleasant at all times. Make him three nutritious, home-cooked meals a day. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "So, what did the doctor say?" She glanced over at him sourly and replied, "He said you're gonna die."

A blind man enters a Lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?" A deathly silence comes over the bar. In a deep, husky, menacing voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?" The blind man pauses to think, and then says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times!"

What do George W. Bush, Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein have in common? English is their second language.

Since Thales has been so kind as to illuminate me on several occasions as to the current foreign view of the US and Americans, I will return the favor by saying that "dull" is not the word generally used in the US to describe Australia and Australians.

I don't think we can win the war on terrorism!Unless we can, in which case we will! But it will be hard, so we probably won't. But we could if we wanted to. If there was any money in peace. Which there isn't. So we won't. Right Dick?

I'm not a complete idiot!Some of my parts are missing!

A man goes to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle." "OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?" "The Fottle," replies the inventor. "Fottle? Not a very catchy name! Can't you think of something else?" "I'll try. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton." "And what do you call that?" asks the clerk. "The Farton", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!" "In that case," says the inventor, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

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A female student was shocked when the biology professor asked her, "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?" "I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away. Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye." "Miss Fenster," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions: One: You didn't study last night's assignment. Two: You have a dirty mind Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."

A guy is rushed into the emergency room with two badly burned ears. After the doctor fixes him up with gauze and salve, he asks how it happened. The guy says, ''I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang. By accident, instead of the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.'' ''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked. The guy grins sheepishly and says, ''I tried to call for an ambulance!''

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you can't trust politicians!"

A man goes on a safari and brings his dog along, but the dog runs off and gets lost. The dog comes upon a skeleton on the ground and he realizes they are jaguar bones. Just then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a jaguar stalking him. So the dog thinks real quick, loudly belches and says "Man, that sure was a tasty jaguar." So the jaguar backs off realizing he shouldn't mess with this dog. A monkey was in a tree and sees all this and thinks, "If I tell the jaguar what's up maybe he won't eat me." So he goes down to the jaguar and says "You've been had. He didn't eat that jaguar." The jaguar says "Well, see what I do to this dog." The monkey jumps on his back and the jaguar begins to stalk the dog again. The dog realizes what has happened so he thinks real quick and says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him out ten minutes ago to get me another jaguar!"

Two guys were taking college chemistry. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go upstate and party with some friends. They had a great time, but they overslept and didn't make it back to school until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went upstate for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day to write the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth five points. "Cool," they each thought, "this is going to be easy." They each did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 was: "Which tire?" (95 points).

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles! I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me puke for days. No gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee!

Great one, RB! If I may... Great move, Einstein! Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!!!

ExtraSense is in our audience tonight, sipping a pseudo-soda and trying to convince everyone he's smarter than NASA. That's him over there in the 3D glasses and the Napolean hat! ExtraSense is a man of vision, and that vision lets him see that Mars isn't covered with rocks, it's populated with mushrooms and pythons and lambs, oh my! He has the biggest thread in pseudo-science, filled with proof that has everyone shaking their heads. Roverboy has stood up to the finest minds at SFN and NASA and said, "They're not just rocks in MY head!" He wants to open the first Martian zoo, filled with stingrays and elephants and dinosaurs, and all proceeds from the sale of his 3D glasses will help get him off-planet, so be generous! ExtraSense, we keep wondering why your siblings PerfectSense and CommonSense are never around when you're posting?