Phi for All

Zeke and Ike are sitting on the front porch in a couple of rocking chairs, enjoying the occasional breeze on a hot summer's day. At one point, Ike elbows Zeke and points down at the dog, who is thoroughly licking his own balls. "I sure wish I could do that!" says Ike, grinning. Zeke frowns and says, "I think you should pet him first."

Since you're "worn off", I won't bother again. A young boy is doing poorly in math at public school. His mother decides to send him to private church school to rectify the situation. Lo and behold, after a semester in the new Catholic school, the boy's grades were straight A's, even in math! Surprised, his mother asked him how he liked his new school. "Oh, it's all right, I guess," he replies. "Are they teaching you math in a different way?" she asks. "Not really," he says, "but as soon as I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!"

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, it's good to be back! I see we have Pangloss in the audience tonight. What exactly is that, some new kind of Teflon coating? Seriously, we're glad he could make it, even though he's lost his tan and he's looking kind of pruney. Was it a little overcast at the beach in Florida this summer? After surviving all those hurricanes, I think he's extra pale after looking up here on stage and seeing a Tin Man with a microphone. You're not in Florida anymore, Dorothy! Pangloss is still an undecided Florida voter, so both candidates are trying to woo him. I think he has enough ketchup and grits to last a lifetime! Kerry and Bush both chipped in and bought him a vintage Corvair, just to piss off Nader! Just remember, DON'T TURN RIGHT TOO FAST, PANGLOSS!

A stranger was seated next to Sayonara³ on the plane when the stranger turned to Sayonara³ and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." Sayonara³, who had just opened his new biology book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Sayonara³. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces large clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Sayonara³, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says, "Hey, cut that out!" The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. After about five minutes the second tiger suddenly repeats his action. The front tiger turns angrily and says," I said don't do that again!" The rear tiger apologizes again and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again licks the but of the lead tiger. The lead tiger turns and says, "What is it with you, anyway? I told you to stop!" The second tiger says, "I really am sorry, but I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day but the specimen cup was empty. When the doctor asked why, the old man told him, "Well , doc, I took the specimen cup home yesterday and at first I tried with my right hand and... nothing. Then I tried with my left hand and still... nothing. I had my wife try, right hand, left hand, both hands, nothing. She even tried using her mouth!" The doctor, getting a little embarassed, said, "And?" The old guy said, "And, we still couldn't get the lid off the specimen cup!"

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman says, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women turn to look at her until she finally replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh, my God!'"

Some from emails friends have sent' date=' some from the web, but most are from memory. Have you ever had someone ask you to tell them a joke? I always draw a blank when this happens. But the minute someone [b']tells[/b] me a joke, I suddenly remember five more. And in telling those five, I remember ten more.... This last one was that way. Someone told me the joke about the wife who told her husband her car wouldn't start because there was water in the carburetor, which was true since the car was in the pool (it's already been posted). While I was being polite and listening, I remembered the joke with the pool full of alligators. It's an oldy and a goody. A warden from the Everglades Fish & Game Dept hears a commotion in the swamp one day and guides his boat over to investigate. Suddenly, he sees a blonde woman, dressed in a high fashion miniskirt and sweater ensemble, shoot up out of the water, wrestling a twelve-foot alligator! In awe, he watches as she drags the flailing creature to shore, throw it down on the ground and pin it on it's backside. The blonde looks at the creature's feet, and with a disgusted look on her face, jumps up and kicks the huge reptile back into the water, complaining, "Oh, poo! That one doesn't have any shoes, either!"

Once there was a billionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The billionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, the billionaire decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition for every man here. I will give one million dollars, or my daughter's hand in marriage, to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash in the pool. The guy in the pool was swimming with all his might, and the crowd began to cheer him on. Finally, he made it to the other side of the pool unharmed. The billionaire was impressed. He said, "That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" The guy catches his breath, then says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want to know who pushed me in the pool!"

A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill tells him, between bursts of laughter, "To your house!"

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in a brown suit. She'd specifically told the undertaker she wanted him buried in his blue suit. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose. The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time. The lady said, "Who's paying for this?" The reluctant mortician wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a few moments later. Miraculously, the corpse was in the proper blue suit. After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to get her husband into his blue suit so fast. The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. We'd accidentally dressed another body in your husband's blue suit, and your husband in his brown one. All we had to do was switch heads!"

The young clerk's responsibilities included bringing the judge a hot cup of coffee at the start of every day. Each morning the judge was angry that the coffee cup arrived two-thirds full. The clerk explained that he had to rush to get the coffee delivered while it was still hot, which caused him to spill much of it along the way. None of the judge's yelling and insults produced a full cup of coffee, until he finally threatened to cut the clerk's pay by one-third if he continued to bring one-third less coffee than the judge wanted. The next morning he was greeted with a cup of coffee that was full to the brim, and the next morning and the morning after that. The judge couldn't resist gloating over his success and smugly complimented the clerk on his new technique. "Oh, there's not much to it," admitted the clerk happily, "I sip some coffee right outside the coffee room, and spit it back in when I get outside your office."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" The gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Two old men, one a retired professor of psychology and the other a retired professor of history were relaxing. Their wives had talked them into a two week stay at a hotel in the Catskills. They were sitting around on the porch of the hotel wearing shorts and watching the sun set. The history professor said to the psychology professor, "Have you read Marx?" To which the professor of psychology said, "Yes, I think it's the wicker chairs."

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here." The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here." So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

Watch it, Gilded! Of all the different sexes, women are my favorite! George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. "Excuse me, Mr. President, but my name is Steve Case, and I'm here with an extremely important client tonight. We're going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, 'Hello, Steve'." Bush, being a nice guy, readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client. Bush walks up and says, "Hello, Steve." The little man says, "F**k off, George! Can't you see I'm busy?"

Donny, have we got a nuke aimed at Finland? We do? OK, Gilded, you're FINNISHED!!! Hey, Uncle Dick, I made a funny!

Two blond redneck guys are driving their pickup down the road when they spot a city woman who's car has run out of gas. She asks if they'll give her a lift to a gas station and back, and the rednecks demand some sex in return. She checks them out and then says, "All right, boys, I'll do it but I don't want to catch any diseases or get pregnant. You'll have to wear these condoms." She explains how they work and how they go on, and then she has sex with both of the rednecks. Afterwards, they get her car gassed up and she goes on her way back to the city. A year later, the two blonde rednecks are driving on the same stretch of road. "Hey Clem, you remember that city woman we had sex with around h'yar last year?" Clem grins and says, "Shore do, Zeke!" Zeke says, "Do you really care if she catches some disease?" "No, Zeke." "Do you care if she gets pregnant?" Clem thinks a bit and says, "Not a bit, Zeke!" Zeke says, "Me neither. Let's take these damn things off!"

There was a mailman who decided to retire. It was his last day and at the first house they gave him a box of chocolates. The next house gave him a nice big gift basket. At the third house, a hot looking blonde answered the door in nothing but a see-through slip. She took him upstairs and gave him the best sex of his life. They went downstairs and she made him some eggs, and then she handed him a dollar. He asked, "What was all that for?" The blonde replied, "Oh, it was my husband's idea. I asked him what we should get you for your retirement and he said, 'Screw the mail man, give him a dollar!' The breakfast was my idea."

Top Ten Blonde Inventions 1) Waxed tea bags 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat for a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) The water-proof towel

Sometimes they give me a cookie! The Rhyming thread's OK, but we need you over in the Official Jokes section, too. Read them all, memorize them, and then add any new ones you can think of. Things are very serious here, what with the science and the politics and all. We need some funny.

You're wrong, believe it because I said so. Why? Because I talk to cucumbers all the time. They're not stupid, they're just seedy. Welcome JohnB, I like your style.

At one point during a game, the coach called over one of his young players and asked him, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?" The little boy nodded in the affirmative. "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?" The little boy nodded yes. "So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or use foul language or beat the umpire with a pair of cleats, right?" Again the little boy nodded. "Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

A little boy returning home from school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "How am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

A new blonde recruit is going through Paratrooper's schooling. His sergeant told them all, "Once you jump you need to open your parachute by pulling the ripcord. If it doesn't open, you have a reserve one, pull the cord on that. The Jeep will wait for you on the ground". So, the blonde guy gets on the plane and when his turn to jump comes, he jumps clear of the plane and pulls the ripcord. It doesn't work so he pulls the cord on his reserve chute. That doesn't work either. "Oh, great!" he says to himself, "I bet the Jeep isn't going to wait for me either!"