Phi for All

A female student was shocked when the biology professor asked her, "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?" "I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away. Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye." "Miss Fenster," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions: One: You didn't study last night's assignment. Two: You have a dirty mind Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."

A guy is rushed into the emergency room with two badly burned ears. After the doctor fixes him up with gauze and salve, he asks how it happened. The guy says, ''I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang. By accident, instead of the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.'' ''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked. The guy grins sheepishly and says, ''I tried to call for an ambulance!''

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians. A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff. "Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you can't trust politicians!"

A man goes on a safari and brings his dog along, but the dog runs off and gets lost. The dog comes upon a skeleton on the ground and he realizes they are jaguar bones. Just then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a jaguar stalking him. So the dog thinks real quick, loudly belches and says "Man, that sure was a tasty jaguar." So the jaguar backs off realizing he shouldn't mess with this dog. A monkey was in a tree and sees all this and thinks, "If I tell the jaguar what's up maybe he won't eat me." So he goes down to the jaguar and says "You've been had. He didn't eat that jaguar." The jaguar says "Well, see what I do to this dog." The monkey jumps on his back and the jaguar begins to stalk the dog again. The dog realizes what has happened so he thinks real quick and says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him out ten minutes ago to get me another jaguar!"

Two guys were taking college chemistry. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go upstate and party with some friends. They had a great time, but they overslept and didn't make it back to school until the morning of the exam. Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went upstate for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day to write the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was worth five points. "Cool," they each thought, "this is going to be easy." They each did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 was: "Which tire?" (95 points).

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes." The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles! I'm not having any shot!" So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas." The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me puke for days. No gas." So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill." The man asks "What is it?" The doc replies, "Viagra." The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks. "No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee!

Great one, RB! If I may... Great move, Einstein! Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!!!

ExtraSense is in our audience tonight, sipping a pseudo-soda and trying to convince everyone he's smarter than NASA. That's him over there in the 3D glasses and the Napolean hat! ExtraSense is a man of vision, and that vision lets him see that Mars isn't covered with rocks, it's populated with mushrooms and pythons and lambs, oh my! He has the biggest thread in pseudo-science, filled with proof that has everyone shaking their heads. Roverboy has stood up to the finest minds at SFN and NASA and said, "They're not just rocks in MY head!" He wants to open the first Martian zoo, filled with stingrays and elephants and dinosaurs, and all proceeds from the sale of his 3D glasses will help get him off-planet, so be generous! ExtraSense, we keep wondering why your siblings PerfectSense and CommonSense are never around when you're posting?

My favorite part is the extra ten pills for FREE! (Plus ten dollars shipping and handling). After pulling a farmer over for speeding, a state trooper lectures him about his speed, pompously implying that the farmer didn't know any better and trying to make him feel as uncomfortable as possible. He finally started writing out the ticket, but had to keep swatting at some flies buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" The trooper paused to take another swat and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they are. I've never heard of circle flies." The farmer was pleased to enlighten the cop. "Circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because you almost always find them circling the back end of a horse." The trooper continues writing for a moment, then says," Hey, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?" "Oh no, officer." The farmer replies. "I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers for that." "That's a good thing," the officer says rudely, then goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer added, "Hard to fool them flies, though."

In the spotlight tonight is NavajoEverclear, which is also the name of a cocktail here at the SFN Comedy Club, sort of a native American martini with an ear of corn instead of an olive. Unfortunately, NavEv comes from a broken home. His mom and dad are both slaughtering rat people who drifted apart after the disappointment of Navajo's birth. It seems this squealy meat child didn't share their vision of beady-eyed devastation, prefering chinese food and long walks on the beach. Forced to flee his beloved Blorch, NavEv hitched a ride with a passing Irkan and ended up running a Morman taco stand in the western US here on Earth. Oh, how the measly have fallen! He dreams of moving to Illinois and settling down with Dream Lord and raising a cheesy swarm of rabid rat children he can call his own. Oh, such tacos will he give!

Lawyers make the best racquetball players; they can stoop lower than anybody! The trouble with the legal profession is that 98% of its members give the rest a bad name. It's so cold this winter that I saw a lawyer walking down the street with his hands in his own pockets! The difference between a lawyer and a leech is that when you die, a leech will stop sucking your blood and drop off. The most effective hostages terrorists can take are lawyers; if the terrorist's demands aren't met, they release one every hour.

An engineer, a scientist, and a lawyer all went deer hunting for the first time. After two days of no luck they decided to split up. When they met back at camp that night, the engineer had bagged himself a deer. "It was really quite easy," he said when the other two asked him about it. "I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer." The next day the scientist came back to camp dragging in his kill. "You were right," he told the engineer, "it was easy. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got the deer." The following evening the engineer and the scientist came back to camp, only to find the lawyer all beat up and bleeding. When they asked what happened, the lawyer told them, "I did just what you guys said to do. I saw the tracks, I followed the tracks, and BLAM! I got hit by a train!"

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to collect the bird, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer replied, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field. Now I'm going in to retrieve it." The old farmer looked the lawyer in the eyes and stated firmly, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The lawyer huffed angrily, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the country. If you don't let me get my duck, I'll sue you." The old farmer smiled. "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this with the Tennessee Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What's the Tennessee Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer answered, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." The attorney thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick to the shin had the lawyer hopping around on one foot when suddenly the farmer planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. The attorney was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to pass out. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

A man walked into a bar, leading an alligator by a leash. He asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," said the bartender. "Good," replied the man. "I'll have a beer, and gimme a lawyer for my 'gator."

Yeah, I decided to use his bubble after I had written the sarcasm. Try me, the next one will be better. I kinda like using Cartman to swear like $%&* but I'm afraid people will take it personally.

Everyone's a critic! I'll try to remember some old Clinton jokes for Cap'n since he can't be bothered! 5614, I'm sorry the penis jokes were so offensive to you! I thought only Americans were uptight about their willies! I'll try real hard to remember all the humor criteria you've set forth. Thanks so much for your input on my efforts. I don't know what I would do without it. Perhaps in the future I should PM the two of you before posting. There's nothing funnier than humor by committee! DISMISSED!!!

Bush and Kerry went fishing. Kerry went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other. Later that day, Bush came back empty-handed and Kerry came back with fifteen. The next day Bush still didn't catch any and Kerry caught twenty-seven fish. So on the third day, Bush sent a CIA "contractor" to spy on Kerry. Bush didn't catch a thing and Kerry caught thirty-four fish that day. Bush furiously demands to know from the CIA if Kerry is cheating. "Yes," replied the spy, "he's putting holes in the ice."

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school. After the typical civics presentation, he announced, "All right, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now." A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?" Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground. After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said, "I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions." A little girl raised her hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit American's civil liberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?"

I love that one, aommaster! A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit". The prosecuting attorney relentlessly badgered the man about how much force was used. Finally, when he was asked by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant stood up, approached the lawyer, punched him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him head-first over the table to crash into the audience section. He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."

I do have some standards when it comes to humor, but I realize not everyone shares them, especially mothers. I think it's perfectly fine to mention anatomy as long as no one is doing anything overtly sexual with said anatomy. References to having had sex are very different from graphically describing it in situ. I prefer not to listen or post jokes that involve a lot of profanity. Very few jokes actually need it to be funny, unless it's one of those Dirty Johnny types that shock by having a small child using dirty words. Those get old real quick anyway. I will try keep my standards much more PG-13 from now on.

I LOVE IT, YT! And although the young man's name was Phi, I assume you're referring to me as the turkey! I get the message, no more penis jokes! It'll be hard on me, considering the stiff front erected by the other joke posters, but I'll try not to blow it.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he beat the man almost unconscious and dragged him down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, fully conscious now and terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you???!?" The husband, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, handed the man the hacksaw and said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Jack had worked in a pickle factory for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. It was on his mind night and day. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jack said he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Jack came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Jack?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you about my urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Jack, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Jack, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Jack. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh! She got fired, too."