Phi for All

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

Here's a little test to see if you have what it takes: have someone tie you to a chair and fold a road map the wrong way while you watch. If you start screaming uncontrollably, congratulations! you have the mind of an engineer! Welcome!

After nine years, a stripper in Toronto who was mauled by a tiger at a safari park has finally won C$650,000 in compensation for work she could no longer perform due to scarring. Jennifer-Anne Cowles and her boyfriend were driving through the park when a tiger bumped into their car. The couple claims that, although their windows had been rolled up, they panicked and rolled them down after the alleged bumping. Cowles' boyfriend, David Balac, was awarded C$1.7 million to compensate for work he was unable to perform as an accordionist. A worker at African Lion Safari, who requested anonymity because I made him up, commented, "This is really a shame, a travesty of justice. I mean, who in their right minds would give an accordionist almost three times as much as a stripper?" This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking.

Welcome, doc. Be sure to check out the Official Joke thread in General Discussion. Read them all and add any that we've missed, keeping in mind our younger members.

Two hunters, Mad Mardigan and Douglas, went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot him. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, Mad Mardigan, who was in the front of the costume, said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Douglas, who was in the back, shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" Mad Mardigan said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

Many years from now, Jakiri, YT2095 and Dave are at Dr. Blike's office for a memory test. Dr. Blike asks Jakiri, "What is three times three?" "274," Jakiri replies. Dr. Blike rolls his eyes and says to YT2095, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies YT2095. Dr. Blike shakes his head sadly and says to Dave, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says Dave. "That's great!" says Dr. Blike. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says Dave, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

...and in a related story, Phi for All fell out of the Stupid Tree, and hit every branch on the way down. Oh well, some drink from the Fountain of Knowledge, but he only gargled. This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking.

You're good at being obtuse for the same reason midgets are good at being short!

I know you've used this one already this year! I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care. 6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again. 11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 14. No, my powers can only be used for good. 15. How about never? Is never good for you? 16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 17. You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication. 18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 21. Who me? I just wander from room to room. 22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys! 23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy. 24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits. 25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Two high school sweethearts went out together exclusively for four years in high school. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They swore to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him she had been dating around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, and she wanted to get her old one off her back. She took a polaroid picture of her and her new boyfriend having sex and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a better boyfriend, leave me alone." Well, needless to say, the guy was heartbroken. He also wanted revenge. So what he did next was awesome. He wrote on the back of the photo, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and mailed the picture to her parents.

Q: What did the accordionist get on his SAT test? A: Drool. Q: Why do some people take an instant dislike to accordionists? A: It saves a lot of time. Q: What will you never say about an accordionist? A: "That's the accordionist's porsche." Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a cat? A: Only the cost. They both make the same sound when you squeeze them. Q: How do you make two accordionists play in time? A: Shoot one of them. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a lawnmower? A: You can tune an accordion. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop an accordion into little pieces. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a chainsaw? A: The grip. Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline? A: You are supposed to take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline. Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians? A: An accordionist. Q: What do accordionists use for birth control? A: Their personality. Q: What do a true music lover and an accordionist have in common? A: Absolutely nothing. Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a banjo off a 20-story building, which one lands first? A: Who cares? Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a banjo? A: An accordion burns faster. Q: What is a set of bagpipes good for? A: Kindling for an accordion fire. Q: What do you call an accordion player with a pager? A: An optimist. Q: What does a long court hearing and an accordionist have in common? A: There is always a huge sigh of relief when the case is closed. Q: What is the definition of a gentleman? A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. Q: What is the difference between an accordionist and a terrorist? A: Terrorists have sympathisers.

Funny you should mention that, Gilded. YT2095 was telling me just the other day, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything she really needs, and I can't afford to buy her anything too extravagant, so I'm stumped." I told him, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably think it's the greatest gift EVER!" He said, "Phi, that's a great idea! I'll jump on the computer and work something up right now!" This morning was Kitty's birthday, so I asked him, "Well, how did your wife like her certificate?" YT screamed at me, "Oh, she loved it, ya huge bloody GIT! She jumped up, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in a couple of hours, love!'"

Now available, the new AOL car! Features: A TOP speed of 40 MPH but the speedometer goes to 200 MPH! Comes equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player (it is not possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo)! Often refuses to start (typical owners just expect this and try again later)! Windshield has an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars! The same model car is available year after year (although we claim it's the NEW model)! Every now and then the brakes just "lock-up" for no apparent reason! Very plain body style but lots of pretty colors and lights! Only one door but 5 extra seats for family members! Anyone dissatisfied can return the car (but must continue to make payments for 6 months). Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones! AOL car mechanics have no experience in car repair! Younger AOL car drivers are able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun! Must use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gives worse mileage! Every time you close the door on the AOL car it says, "Good-Bye." Order your AOL car today! If you don't, we'll just keep sending you junk mail about it every week!

One Christmas Eve a long, long time ago, Santa was very cross. NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree. Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?" Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says, "Hey, Jelly Belly! Where should I stick the tree this year?"

When Sayonara³ was just 10 years old, he was intensely interested in biology. One summer day he started his own experiment. He caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sayonara³ carefully wrote down all the results of his experiment with the amphibian. Sayonara³ drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sayonara³ measured the distance. "Normal frog jumps 6 feet," he wrote. Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point, took out a scalpel and sliced off the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 4 feet, and Sayonara³ dutifully recorded, "With one leg removed, the frog jumps 4 feet." Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again he prodded the frog, shouting "Jump, frog!". Sayonara³ reported, "With 2 legs removed, the frog jumps only 3 feet." The next time, Sayonara³ dissected the large right back leg. This time he recorded, "With 3 legs removed, the frog jumps slightly less than a foot." Finally, Sayonara³ cut off the frog's remaining leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig, shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP FROG!!!" The frog didn't jump. Sayonara³ carefully wrote down in his notebook, "When all legs are removed, the frog becomes deaf."

Gilded goes into a bar and sees a fantastically gorgeous woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Gilded is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which Gilded replies, at the top of his lungs, "You want $200 dollars! Are you crazy?!"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Phi, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Phi replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques like visualization and association. It made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" asked the other man. Phi went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then he suddenly smiled and he asked, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" the other man offered. "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic I went to last month?"

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their little father and son chats, lightsabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader pinned Luke against a bulkhead, glared into his face and said, "I know what you're getting for Christmas, Luke." Luke ducked under the pin and Vader's lightsaber bit deep into the steel. Luke jumped to a higher platform just out of Vader's reach. "How do you know!?" Luke yelled at him, "How could you possibly know what I'm getting for Christmas!?" Darth Vader seemed to grin through his mask and said, "The force is with me. I felt your presents."

Physics teacher: "swansont, where is your physics homework?" swansont: "I finished my homework last night, but this morning I accidentally determined its momentum precisely, so according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe."

A second lieutenant was walking past the non-commissioned officer housing units when he saw a little boy named swansont making something. As he got closer, he saw the boy was making a soldier of of some dog poop he'd found on the ground. The 2LT asked the boy, "Boy, what are you doing?" swansont replied, "I'm making an NCO, sir!" The 2LT grinned. Looking up, he saw the boy's father, an NCO, standing in the doorway. "Did you hear that, sergeant? He's making an NCO out of sh*t!" The sergeant came out of the house and asked his son, "Why are you making an NCO, son?" swansont looked up at his dad and proudly said, "Because I don't have enough sh*t to make an officer!"

Tesseract wanted to buy a Christmas gift for his new girlfriend but they hadn't been dating very long. He asked his girlfriend's younger sister to go shopping with him, and after careful consideration, they decided a pair of fur-trimmed gloves would be perfect, romantic but not too personal. Tesseract bought the gloves and the sister bought a pair of panties for herself. During the gift wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the box with the gloves and Tesseract got the box with the panties. Tesseract sent the gift to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you don't usually wear any when we go out. If it hadn't been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really stylish. I wish I could be there to put them on for you the first time as I'm sure other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! All my love, Tesseract P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Tesseract and his squad were standing at attention in the freezing Antarctic cold when their sergeant said, "All right! All you morons, FALL OUT!" As the rest of the squad wandered away, Tesseract remained at attention. The sergeant walked over until he was eye-to-eye with Tesseract, and then just raised a single eyebrow. Tesseract smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

It was a cold winter day, and swansont & Lance were out on the lake ice-fishing. They were there for almost two hours without even a nibble when 5614 walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in it not too far from swansont & Lance and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a largemouth bass hit his hook and 5614 pulled in the fish. swansont & Lance couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But 5614 dropped in his line and again and within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the other two couldn't take it any more since they hadn't caught a thing all this time. They went over to 5614 and said, "5614, we've been here for half the morning without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and you've caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?" 5614 mumbled something they couldn't understand, so they asked, "What was that?" Again 5614 responded with incoherent mumbling, a little louder this time. "Look," said swansont & Lance, "we can't understand a word you're saying." 5614 spit a big wad of something into his hand and yelled, "YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE WORMS WARM!"