[Lance]

You don’t get it?!

Alright alright here’s another:

There’s a man and his best friend, a bird, on a plane. This guy in front of them is smoking a cigar and it started to make the bird cough.

The bird tells his friend, “Will you please tell this guy in front of us to stop smoking? It’s making me cough.”

So the man says the the smoker, “Hey will you stop smoking that cigar? Its making my bird cough.” And the smoker says, “No I wanna enjoy this cigar.”

A little later the bird is coughing even worse and the bird says,”Hey you gota tell this guy to stop smoking he’s making me sick.”

So the man says to the smoker, “Hey will you please stop smoking? You’re making my bird sick.” And the man says, “No I wanna enjoy this here cigar.”

After a while the bird is about to die and he says, “You gota tell this guy to stop smoking I’m gona die soon.”

So the man says to the smoker, “Hey will you stop smoking?! You’re killing my bird!” And the man says, “No! I wanna enjoy the rest of this cigar in peace!”

The bird says, “Hey I got an idea. You tell this guy that if he throws the cigar out the window then you will throw me out the window and I can fly back in.”

So he says to the smoker, “Hey if I throw my bird out the window will you throw the cigar out?” And he agrees.

They throw the cigar and bird out at the same time and the bird flies back in with something in its mouth.

Do you know what was in its mouth?

[Phi for All]

A brick.

Nice set up, Lance. :-p

[Tesseract]

Quote

A brick.

Nice set up, Lance. :-p

I still dont see how thats very funny, whats it have to do with the 100th brick???

[Phi for All]

Favorite heaven joke:
A rich man who was near death was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.

The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter.

Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting you through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect what the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

[Phi for All]

Tesseract said:

I still dont see how thats very funny, whats it have to do with the 100th brick???

Maybe this will help:
A guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the
plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only
a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but
unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting
toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to
her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you
know anything about gas stoves?"

[Lance]

Tesseract said:

I still dont see how thats very funny, whats it have to do with the 100th brick???

Well its a lot funnier verbally when you act like there stupid and say stuff like "I cant believe you don’t get it" after the first part but nobody took the bate except you so I just went ahead and told the rest.

[Lance]

Tesseract said:

Hmm, I dont understand this one either? :confused: :-(

Heaven is paved with gold.

[Tesseract]

:rolleyes: :cool: :-p :D :rolleyes: :D :D

Lance said:

Heaven is paved with gold.

LOL, now its funny. :D ;) :-p :D :cool: :rolleyes: ;) :D

[Phi for All]

Tesseract said:

LOL, now its funny.

Sorry, it didn't have a cat in it.










(See post #32)

[aommaster]

Oh my! Where do you get ur jokes from! They are really funny! Let's keep it up!

[swansont]

A very wealthy man is on his death bed. He calls for his doctor, priest, and lawyer.

When the three of them arrive, he says to them: "I know they say you can't take it with you, but I want to try. There are three bags over there. Each has $100,000 in it. I want each of you to take a bag, and at my funeral, throw the bag in my coffin just before they close it."

The next day, the man dies. At the funeral, just before the coffin is closed, the three men each drop their bag in the coffin.

After the funeral, the three are talking. The priest says, "I feel so terrible, I have to confess: We are building a new church, and the building fund was $10,000 short, so I took that much out of my bag before placing it in the coffin."

The doctor says, "I feel bad, too. My hospital is building a new wing, and we are also short on funds. I took $15,000 from my bag to help complete the new wing."

The lawyer smugly says, "I can't believe you two! I enclosed a check for the full amount!"

[Cap'n Refsmmat]

A couple want to decide what their teenager is going to do when he leaves them. So they leave a bottle of whiskey, $100, and a bible out on the table. If he takes the whiskey, he'll be a drunkard, if he takes the money, he'll be a lawyer, and the bible, a priest.
Their son comes home, sees the items, and thinks a moment. Then he takes the money and the whiskey, as his parents watch.

The husband says, "Oh no! Our son is going to be a politician!"

[Phi for All]

A homeless man knocks on the door of a big mansion. When the lady of the house answers he explains that he'd like a handout so he can buy some food. The lady says, "I didn't get to be rich by handing out money to vagrants. If you want money from me, you'll have to work for it!"
The man says he doesn't mind working to earn the money and asks what she wants him to do.
"Paint the porch around back and I'll give you $20. You'll find the paint & equipment in the shed. And," the lady adds, "you'd better do a good job or you'll get nothing!"
An hour later the man knocks on the front door again. When the lady answers he tells her he's through and asks for his money.
The lady exclaims, "It's a huge porch! It should have taken you all day! You couldn't possibly have done a good job. I'm not paying you a penny! Now get out of here before I call the police!"
The man says, "I did do a good job! I was very careful. And for your information, it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

[Phi for All]

A couple of quickies I heard recently:

The real reason the Bush administration is so upset about the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal is they fear people will realize they were caught lying about sex.

Surgeons say politicians are the easiest people in the world to operate on. They have no guts, no heart and no spine, and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.

[dave]

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position, the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause yer feet ain't empty."

[Phi for All]

Okay, one more, then I gotta get to work. Great modern religious joke:

A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the decent thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by speeding through the intersection.
The tailgating woman goes mental, blaring the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him.

As she is still screaming at him, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a police officer. The officer orders her to get out of the car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and swearing a blue streak. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

[aommaster]

Here's one. A science teacher want to disect a frog in class. He has a sandwhich in his hand and the frog in his pocket. On the way, he sees a weihghing machine. He thinks"I want to weigh myself. But, to make it more accurate,I'll take off all my clothes". After he weighs himself, he puts everything back on. He disects the sandwhich in the class and eats the frog instead!

If you guys are willing to go to other webistes, then, I have some good jokes on there. Blonde are REALLY recommended. Here is the direct link for you enthusiasts!

http://dragonslair.e.../Jokesframe.htm

Enjoy!

By the way, here are two more, short jokes.
A blonde is hanging from a cliff and has one of her arms chopped off. How do you kill her?

Wave at her!
-------------------------------
How do you stop a blonde getting out of her house?

Build a circular driveway around it!

[Tesseract]

heres something its a quote:

"See, one of the interesting things in the Oval Office — I love to bring people into the Oval Office — right around the corner from here — and say, this is where I office, but I want you to know the office is always bigger than the person." —George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2004 :D :D :D

[Lance]

Quote

Here's one. A science teacher want to disect a frog in class. He has a sandwhich in his hand and the frog in his pocket. On the way, he sees a weihghing machine. He thinks"I want to weigh myself. But, to make it more accurate,I'll take off all my clothes". After he weighs himself, he puts everything back on. He disects the sandwhich in the class and eats the frog instead!

Did you make that up yourself....? :rolleyes:

[Phi for All]

Best hunting joke:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"