Phi for All

Everybody give a funny wave to admiral ju_00, ladies man, Camaro man, Piltdown Man! Just kidding, he follows Charles Darwin, NOT Charles Dawson! When he's not blowing the doors off all the wasabi-burners in Loo-a-vull, he can be found brushing crumbs off the remains of some prehistoric pachycephalosaurus part in his Ole Kentucky Home. It's tough to think of something funnier than being a paleontologist. Throw me a bone, will ya? This Louisville Slugger always manages to navigate his way home safely, even after slugging down a fifth of that smooth Kentucky bourbon. No one knows how a guy in his 20's got to be an admiral, but we suspect his IROC Z might have ended up in the Ohio River one night after too much "studying" at Ray's Blues Bar. Good luck with the dinosaurs, admiral, you're going to need to dig up plenty of cash to pay off those student loans!

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called 'Rodeo'. His friend said, "No, what is it?" "Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands and say, 'Boy, these are almost as nice as your sister's'. Then you try to hang on for eight seconds."

Emily Sue passed away and Joe Bob, her redneck husband called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Joe Bob replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause and finally Joe Bob said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

Hooray! The Official SFN Jokes Section now has more people viewing it than the Guns thread in Politics. Over 5000 of you think it's better to laugh than to kill. Good choice! You know what's funny? Not guns! I'm so glad you take the time to enjoy a chuckle while you reload. Just remember this: You don't need to kill a person with a gun. If you tell them a great joke they'll be doubled over, helpless with laughter, and you can just run away or club them to death with your shoe or something. We've beat the Guns thread in Views, but we're still behind in Posts. If you hear a great joke, write it down, or if you can't write, force someone else at gunpoint to write it down so you can post it here. We're counting on you to keep this thread alive and laughing. Jokes don't kill people. Except for that guy who choked on a soda at a George Carlin concert. And the woman who lost her spleen in a pun-induced explosion. Jokes don't kill very many people.

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" He tells her, "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I AM wearing panties!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's half an hour fast."

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor." "How do you know? Women know NOTHING about cars," said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm pretty sure there's water in the carburetor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" She says, "In the swimming pool."

U.S. Presidents Carter, Bush Sr, Bush Jr and Clinton are caught in a tornado and whisked off to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly, " I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Up stepped George Bush Sr who says, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"" George Bush Jr steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain." "YOU... REALLY... DO. DONE!" says the Wizard. There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Clinton asks, "Is Dorothy here?"

There is a Debate section AND a Politics section to this forum. THIS is the Jokes section. Feel free to post ANY political JOKE. But it had better be funny.

A teacher in a small Texas town asks her class how many of them are George Bush fans. Not really knowing what a George Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy. The teacher asks Billy why he has decided to be different. Billy says, "I'm not a George Bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a George Bush fan?" Billy says, "I'm a John Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a John Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a John Kerry fan and my dad's a John Kerry fan, so I'm a John Kerry fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this IS Texas, so she asks, "What if your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Billy says, "THAT would make me a George Bush fan."

A man returns to the U.S. from the jungles of Borneo feeling very ill. He's immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings. The man answers it and hears, "This is your doctor. We have the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is highly contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizza, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can slide under the door."

A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life, when the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Unable to save anyone else and using every last ounce of strength, he swims a few miles through shark-infested waters to a remote island. Reaching the beach, exhausted, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, "My God, you saved my life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Keira Knightley! Over the course of a few days, Keira falls madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate love morning, noon and night. One day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter, love?" she asks, "We're safe for the time being and I'm in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?" He says, "Actually, Keira, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?" "Sure," she says, "if it will help." He takes off his shirt and she puts it on. "Now would you put on my pants?" he asks. "Sure, love, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says. "Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your face?" he asks. "Whatever you want," she says, and does. Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?" She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later. He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible. He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible." After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about Pre-Menstrual Syndrome." The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture. During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter and verse-by-verse. On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?" The preacher smiled, opened his Bible and began to read, "... and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

All work and no play is... ... not very funny. So enjoy AND contribute!

Joe Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Joe Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different! The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earline got pregnant. Two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earline got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and damned if Earline didn't get pregnant again." Luther asks Joe Bob, "So, what you gonna do different this year?" Joe Bob says, "This year I'm takin' Earline with me."

Well, Dave is on holiday, so I can let you in on his little secret. Dave is more than just a social animal, he's like a social T-Rex. Currently he has 217 girlfriends, and none of them knows about the others. Numbers are important to Dave, and he juggles these lovely ladies like an Enron accountant. He's not deceitful by nature, he just likes to... integrate. The girls all want to move in with him but cohabitation wouldn't be coefficient for Dave. Instead, he subtracts money from his trust fund to rent a four bedroom flat with an addition so he can multiply his nighttime endeavors without excessively dividing his attention. The flat is over a restaurant/cinema complex so Dave can date six or seven women in the same evening. How many girls do you think Dave took on a two week holiday? You do the math! His favorite pickup line is, "What's your sine? You have a well-defined set of binomials! I'm sufficiently large myself. Care to bracket and apply yourself to some index raising?"

Is everybody having fun? Is this a great show or what!? Be careful not to trip over Pomlom there, his feet are sticking out in the aisle. He may look dead but he's just jacked directly into his laptop so he can play Halo 2 all day. You're looking at the infamous M [)eadly, Scourge of the Battlefield, Vanquisher of the Covenant, and Drooler on Many T-shirts! We keep him fed intravenously on Red Bull and pre-chewed Doritos, but he's getting pretty anemic. We're working on a way to redirect the 1600 x 1200 graphics on his monitor into energetic photons so he'll get a tan while he's playing! Now there's a guy who's taken too many fuel-rod gunshots to the head!

Where's YT 2095? Probably on another mission in Her Majesty's Secret Service. Actually, his name is 00-2095 and he's one of MI-6's cheapest agents. Most of the best spy gadgets are taken since he's fairly far down the list of 00 operatives, so he's known as The Resourceful One. He doesn't drive an Aston Martin with a tricked out engine, he's got a Mini-Cooper with a hyperglycemic weasel on a hamster wheel. Back in 1995, he infiltrated Qadhafi's palace in Libya, garrotted the guards using his own hair and replaced the terrorist leader with a kinder, gentler, robotic version he cobbled together using a GameBoy, 2 packs of gum and a pair of toenail clippers. Using an old hatbox as a hat almost gave the whole thing away, but now it's Moammar's trademark. Cheers to you, mate, we all toast you with a vodka martini, super-sized, not shaken.

Hey, hey, hey, it's my toughest competition, swansont! By day a mild mannered physicist making drinking fountains for the Naval Observatory, by night he tells jokes and gives lap dances at a local ladies club, the Stand Up & Shake It. The chicks dig it when ol' Tommy Testosterone starts working the pole up on that stage! Tell a joke, bump and grind, baby! He keeps 'em laughing and drooling until the wee hours, and it's a rare night when the stage isn't covered in hotel room keys, thrown by visiting Victoria's Secret executives and Mary Kay conventioneers. What's the secret to a great lap dance? Physics, baby! To quote Mr. T, "Spin is quantized and angular momentum is conserved. I think that you need both properties in order to entangle." Stop it, my nipples are getting hard!

Hey, everybody, say hello to Lance! Lance Allot, our good friend the chemical engineer. Lance may look young but he had his very own company selling liquid magnets. Most engineers aren't very smooth with the ladies and tend to talk to their shoes allot. Lance just slips some ferrofluids in a girl's drink so the fillings in her teeth will bond with his. Voila! Instant kiss! He calls it ferro-frenching, but we just call it FUN! He's currently building a Tesla coil to get rid of his latest girlfriend, who is apparently still attached to his lips. Conduct yourself like a gentleman, Lance!!

It's a gene mutation, but it's an alien one. Actually, it's a jean mutation 'cause it makes my pants bulge a little to make up something funny. And it's "thehorizoning". I know, I have to look that up allot.

5-10 minutes, depending on if I have to go back and look at some past posts or not. You guys are great material, 'cause I read a lot more than I post here at SFN. You all have much better educations and know a lot of science. I'm learning from you guys while I work AND I'm earning a degree at the SFN part-time University and Comedy Club.

Dr. Blike, I presume? Here's a guy we're all really proud of at SFN. Gonna be a doctor, and his first official medical act will be to surgically separate himself from his siamese twin! Yeah, must have been REAL hard passing the MCATs with TWO BRAINS! By the way, all my love to your sister, A-like. Actually, I hope he doesn't go into surgery. Surgeons THAT good-looking are dangerous! The nurses spend all their time looking at him and you wind up with half a tray of instruments sewn back up inside you! Seriously, he'll have to work hard, since he'll be giving 10% of his income to the church, 15% to the GOP, 30% to the IRS and 40% to the lawyer who handles his paternity suits!

Sayonara, Sayonara, Sayonara! Brain the size of a planet and he uses it to whip you silly over a technicality. No one is safe from his harassingly huge intellect. To him, HTML stands for Hurt Those Miserable Lickspittles! And I can't tell him to stuff it 'cause I'm not convinced he couldn't figure a way to vaporize me through my internet connection! Got the warmth of deep space in his heart, that one! Is it true that the sun shines on England when he leaves on holiday? So mean, so grumpy, so HORRIBLE! If compassion were methane, this guy couldn't work up an audible fart!

Looky here, yourdadonapogos... tick. Fat-fingered that Enter key a little early, didn't we? What is that name all about? Some variant on the Yo Mama jokes? Your dad is so bouncy... it's just not funny. So how many threads have you attacked today, posting poster-child? We're on to your whole alien vampire persona, by the way. Have you been outside today or does the Mother Ship have broadband hooked up to your coffin in the basement?