Phi for All

These are secondhand accounts I've heard about, thus the "allegedly" in the title. I love your suggestion but I could NEVER be that evil... unless the checker gave me an attitude. Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of printer paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

An elderly couple walked into a fast food restaurant. The old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half and placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine and they were used to sharing everything. The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. Again the old man said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man looked at the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?" She smiled widely and said, "The teeth."

One winter morning in Iowa a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife went out and moved her car again. The next week they were again having breakfast, ! When the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went off. Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said. "Sweetie, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

Welcom to all the new members (six so far this week!) and thanks for joining. Be smart, be courteous, be welcome!

Another reason why we moderate the news posts is so we can check to make sure it's science related. We're not allowed to run the story without permission. We ARE allowed to link and even excerpt from it if we are discussing it. The News Forum is there to debate about the news, not to view it. There are other outlets for that (that's why we give the links to the stories). The News Forum is not your news source, it's a place to talk about the news that's relevant. That's why we jump all over people who post links (in all fora) and then just say "Hey, did you see this?" We want your opinions on the stories, not a guide to what's in the news. Whenever you link to another site, you should be commenting on what's said there, not simply calling it out. If you simply think it was a fascinating article, tell us why, give us some direction for discussion.

Because you make fun of janitor/ballerinas! My performance in Swab Lake paid for my college tuition, buster!

This year, both Groundhog Day and the State of the Union Address fall on the same day. For those who have trouble telling them apart, one involves a meaningless ritual in which we look to a creature of scant intelligence for a forecast of future events, and the other involves a groundhog. This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking.

"Infinite_gir?" That's a lot of Gir!

A young man and an old man were having lunch. The young man asked, "So what do you do all day now that you're retired?" The old man said, "Well, I try to have a little fun each day. For example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' "He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a sh*thead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote." The old man chuckled and said, "Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus."

Welcome to all the new folks! We're glad to have you and hope you enjoy, learn and share in equal proportions.

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. She always wore miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family including my fiance was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." I learned a valuable lesson that day: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Start some threads in General Science and if there is enough interest anything is possible.

Sounds like some great topics for our Ecology and the Environment sub forum. When that one fills up with enough animal conservation threads, we can spin them off into another sub forum.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces, "This is the most talented octopus in the world. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it." None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again. "Can't you play the bagpipes?" the man whispered to the octopus. "Play it?" asked the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Looking for some laughs? Well, welcome to the club! Tonight in our audience is a great Moderator, Mokele. And before you ask, those aren't bearded dragons on his cheeks, they're sideburns! He's a world famous herpetologist and has traveled the world studying cold sores of all kinds. His troll-slaying duties as a Moderator keep him very busy when he's not playing with his lizard. Mokele's hobbies include quiet orgies on the beach, long walks off short piers and destroying downtown Tokyo. He and his girlfriend are looking forward to roasting creationists on an open fire for Christmas this year. Mokele's motto? It's cool to be cold-blooded!

Any good candidates you can think of besides Mokele and In My Memory?

I'll make this big and bold and annoying, so everyone will ignore it comepletely. If you are creating a thread on Creationism or Intelligent Design, or are posting to a thread about Creationism or Intelligent Design, you MUST run a SEARCH THIS FORUM (far right, type in Creationism or Intelligent Design as applicable) and read through what has already been posted and/or refuted. If you do not do this and end up posting the same old non-scientific ideas (yes, this is a science forum) filled with fallacious arguments and mangled science, the thread/post WILL BE DELETED. Furthermore, if this was the only reason you joined up and you continue to try to post along these lines, you will be deemed inconsistent with our purpose and YOU WILL BE BANNED. If you have run the Search, read the appropriate threads and still feel you have something new and worthwhile to bring up, feel free to post it. Frankly we would welcome new insight, but are too overworked and underpaid to deal with the same old garbage ad infinitum, ad nauseam, so such will be trashed ad libitum.

WARNING: Gir Stand-ups coming for the holidays! In the meantime, here's an answer from one of Dave's old geometry exams:

IMO, what makes the above joke really funny is if Kylie has to agree to dress up like a man, not just look different by messing up her hair and smearing mud on herself. It's funnier if the guy just has to brag to another guy. Amazing Anagrams Dormitory = Dirty Room Desperation = A Rope Ends It The Morse Code = Here Come Dots Slot Machines = Cash Lost in 'em Animosity = Is No Amity Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's Alec Guinness = Genuine Class Semolina = Is No Meal The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one Contradiction = Accord not in it To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune = In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten. That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind = A thin man left planet, makes a large stride, ran, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party but she got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party without her. He protested but eventually took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and decided to go the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was but she knew what his was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every babe he could. The wife sidled up to him, and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear, and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Two, in fact. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked him what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "Didn't dance at all. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and Paul, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!"

A blond was sitting on a train reading the newspaper. The headlines blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." "That's horrible," she muttered to herself. Then she turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

How would this be different from the Pseudosciences forum we already have?

Dr. Spock was a pediatrician! Don't you mean Mr. Spock, wistful-boy?!? Welcome aboard, mike90.

Swapping spit at 20 below can be dangerous. I remember reading that kissing was a holdover from infant behavior where the response to having a cheek stroked by the mother's breast was to start sucking in anticipation of being fed. Idk if there is any research to back that up.