Single Status Update
So there's fear of commitment, and there's separation anxiety disorder. Here's a bit of a story on how I am regarding relationships ... As a background, you may want to know that I suffer(ed) from major depressive disorder, and am being treated with bupropion and venlafaxine (the latter is being decreased).
I've had 2 relationships, both of which lasted about 2.5 months. Rather quickly during these 'relationships', I found that it demanded way more of me than it was worth to me: it was not "profitable" for me, as I felt energetically drained without being resupplied. After a while, I couldn't help but think (in both cases) "Ugh, just stop texting me and leave me alone for 5 minutes, can I please have my own time?", which to me is a signal that makes me start wondering if the partner is indeed the right partner for me. I felt more as their idol, than their intimate partner. Which might indicate some sort of fear of commitment.
But that one is not so problematic to me. I know it will go away at some time. What's a much greater issue to me, and what may destroy me mentally, is something I experience very quickly with people, probably a separation anxiety disorder. I've been on Tinder for a while, and I've dated some persons. We usually chat very much, and we get to know each other a lot. Now here's this one person I met once, and still know, and still probably will be dating for some while (hopefully). Someone I really started appreciating. I was looking forward to our first date. Because he seemed a very nice guy to me, he was handsome, smart, and funny in his own way. But I couldn't help but think of him as an arrogant douchebag when he greeted me, almost apathically, with an equally apathical "Hello", when he regularly checked his phone, when he didn't seem to care about anything I said. Until I found out that he's rather ... special, to communicate with. Extraordinary. He seemed much at ease and loom, as if he might have used drugs - which he didn't. It's just his personality. The moment where I came to appreciate him, was when he began telling me his history. Some things we had in common. We've both been raised by autistic parents, in a rather toxic environment, and he also suffer(ed/s) from MDD, and took the exact same medication. We had bound; an awkward bond, but a bond nonetheless. He didn't say as much as I did, and yet I started liking him. We could share our love for dogs, for Scandinavia, our medication, our family, our academic interests, and much more. We left the fastfood restaurant, buyed an ice cream, and sat on a stone little wall, at about hip height. And we talked a bit more, we laughed a lot more, we pretended to leave, ironically/cynically saying "Bye" in a most apathical way. For about 500 times, pretending to walk away, yet turning around again. And then, it was time for him to leave. He would go grab his bike. "Bye", I chuckled. And he smirked. ... ... "Would you ... like, perhaps ... Want to join me to my bike?"; and of course, I did. Then he could've taken the chance to leave on his bike, as wanting to leave was the impression he intended to give insincerely, but he didn't. We walked the same path up until the point where we had to take another route. After talking for a long time at that point, and saying goodbye for about a thousand times, no hugs, kisses or whatever, we left. No hugs or kisses, but I was at peace; I was satisfied and at ease. And most definitely, I wanted to have another date. First sort of big mistake: kind of insisting to let me know whether he enjoyed it or not, even though I could've told myself that he did like it. Altogether he didn't appreciate being asked whether he liked it or not, and told me that it didn't matter. So I accepted it. A few weeks later, after the exams had ended, we agreed to go out again. Let the stereotypes roll in: a night at the movies. Well, evening. Going to the movies (Love, Simon; for the interested), where we both appeared to be about equally emotionally affectable when we sat there, subtly snorting. Going to have dinner together, aka snack bar time. Where we had another great time. After having finished our meals, we went outside. Saying an equally "Bye" as the previous time we met, and turning our backs to one another. However, upon leaving, we stumbled upon someone. Someone I'd recognised. Someone who had recognised me as well. Someone "my date" appeared to know. Someone I had recognised from having matched on Tinder. After kiddingly saying "bye", I turned around, and "my date" didn't. He walked away with the guy we commonly recognised, in the opposite direction as I. Before crossing the street, he quickly looked back, and I made him clear that I was confused, not knowing what had happened, but he didn't return, yet continued walking away. Fury. Fear. Torment. Pain. Confusion. Sadness. Nausea. I didn't know what to feel most, or first. I didn't know what had happened, and impulsively grabbed my phone and texted him right away. "Are you kidding me? You really did plan on meeting 2 Tinder matches at about the same time? This is some next-level shit; thanks for mating my antidepressants useless for the night being."
I don't know how I was supposed to feel, so I walked a bit. Sat down somewhere on a bench. My eyes went quite watery and I sobbed a bit. Trying to hold it in, not wanting to attract too much attention from all passers-by, I felt myself being ripped apart from all the stuff I was thinking about him. What was he doing? Did he indeed meet with 2 guys on the same evening? What would they be doing now? I couldn't imagine it, and if I could, I couldn't hold it in much longer. Yes, I'd call myself devastated back then. For about 1.5 hours, complete silence. And then he texted me back, well, on Messenger. Didn't read my text messages yet. "Acted" that nothing was wrong. Again, I was confused. I asked him what that was all about. "What?" Well, you know, walking away with someone I clearly recognised from Tinder ... Who, after a long discussion, appeared to be one of his best friends ... Who he had not foreseen coming there at that time. It was not his intention to leave at first, until I walked away a bit too far to make it a "kidding goodbye". So he walked away, too. A long discussion, after which I asked him if we could give it another chance after some time. And he agreed. He said that he didn't have much time; which was true, given that he's leaving for a congress tomorrow ... And that the plan was indeed to go to the movies and to catch a meal. And now we're doing normal again. To the extent possible. This was yesterday.
Today he asked me what all the dramaqueen stuff was all about yesterday. And indeed, I made assumptions, and I didn't give him any chance to "defend" himself, or to explain what really happened. He said I acted quite "claiming", especially given that we'd seen each other only for the second time. And I agree. I was indeed very claiming; and am, perhaps, rather than was. But now, we're good, and I'm going to try to feel okay with anything similar to happen. I made assumptions that were not necessarily true, and it is indeed possible that they knew each other for a long time, Tinder excluded.
But today, all of a sudden, I was thinking back at how I felt, at what I was thinking that they could have been doing together if indeed they planned on meeting each other (through Tinder, that is) that very evening. And I sobbed again. For the umpteenth time in my life, I got attached to someone way too quickly, and it destroys me even thinking about the idea of losing him.
For anyone who actually succeeded in reading this whole damn text, the hell can I do? I'm not planning on letting him go, and I have to loosen up a bit. Definitely. But how, without having to feel wrecked? Does this sound like a classic separation anxiety disorder?
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Well let me start by hoping he doesn't share your interest in science too and is a member of this forum reading this right now haha. Jokes aside, being possessive is a huge no-no and while I'm sure you can't control that in your mind, try to refrain from expressing it to others. Trust me, if a person plans to leave you and you are making drama or acting possessive, it wont change their mind. Ofc I am in team "Function" so I hope it goes well. Just keep the "crazy" locked for a while until you have a stronger connection and the person will understand why you are acting like this. (maybe some previous baggage). Anyway, go team Function!
I'm not sure we can speak of teams here, rather than "coalitions", but thanks for the support! I'm planning on refraining from expressing possessiveness and separation anxiety.
And well, I actually offended one of the judicial principles I firmly endorse: "ei incumbit probatio qui dicit, non qui negat"
Heres my 2 cents...as far as „these things” are concerned just go with the flow and don’t worry too much if you antagonize someone with your feelings/actions. You are who you are and although compromises are a very important aspect of sustaining a relationship, they are not such a good idea at the beginning when you are looking. I think its important to show who your are in full in the beginning, this way you will increase your chances of meeting someone compatible with you and deceease chances of getting into a toxic relationship. Since you’re also young, you can just disregard what I just said, try to have fun and don’t look back