Phi for All Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 i thought it was 'duck' tape. You're good at being obtuse for the same reason midgets are good at being short! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted January 15, 2005 Share Posted January 15, 2005 ...and in a related story, Phi for All fell out of the Stupid Tree, and hit every branch on the way down. Oh well, some drink from the Fountain of Knowledge, but he only gargled. This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ed84c Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 "Duck Tape" is a brand of duct tape. Makes you think' date=' huh?[/quote'] forgive me, but what exactly does it make me think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ed84c Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Phrases That Sayo might (but proabbly hasnt) used (contiunation of Phi's) 'If you spoke that much crap in real life, your head must comprise entirely of feaces' ''Remind me next time, to guge my eyes out before trying to read one of your posts'' '' I would rather eat my own head than to conversate with you again'' ''Your as bout as convising as doctor cripins defence lawyer'' ''Your posts have as bout as much forsight as 3 blind hedgehogs, in a bag'' ''I dont know whether or not your speak in opposites in your house, but that definitley was NOT a good post'' ''Well, thats about as useful as a toilet seat which is made exclucively of hedgehogs'' ''I would have speant a better 4 minuets on a diet, than reading your post'' ''After reading that i laughed about as much as when pulling someones little finger to let them break wind'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sayonara Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 forgive me, but what exactly does it make me think? How should I know? It's your crazy brain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fellowes Posted January 16, 2005 Share Posted January 16, 2005 Q A guy Comes In to your house witha gun, You have two kids which one does he shoot? A: The ugly one Peter Griffin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ed84c Posted January 17, 2005 Share Posted January 17, 2005 Q A guy Comes In to your house witha gun' date=' You have two kids which one does he shoot? A: The ugly one Peter Griffin[/quote'] apologies, could you explain that to me? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JohnB Posted January 19, 2005 Share Posted January 19, 2005 Sorry if this one has been used before. A cop is checking out the local "Lover's Lane" and notices a car parked all by itself so he walks up and raps on the window. The young man in the drivers seat puts down his book and rolls down the window. The cop then notices a young woman knitting in the back seat. Seeing as this seems unusual, he decides to quiz the driver. Cop; "Do you know where you are?" Man; "Lover's Lane". Cop; "What are you doing?" Man; "Reading a book." Cop; "How old are you?" Man; "20". Cop; "And the young lady, what's she doing?" Man; "As you can see, Officer, she's knitting". Cop; "And how old is she?" Man; "In 23 minutes, she'll be 18." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 Many years from now, Jakiri, YT2095 and Dave are at Dr. Blike's office for a memory test. Dr. Blike asks Jakiri, "What is three times three?" "274," Jakiri replies. Dr. Blike rolls his eyes and says to YT2095, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies YT2095. Dr. Blike shakes his head sadly and says to Dave, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says Dave. "That's great!" says Dr. Blike. "How did you get that?" "Simple," says Dave, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deified Posted January 20, 2005 Share Posted January 20, 2005 A similar variation of this one was posted earlier, but I like it better this way. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for his finest, single malt whiskey. The barman gives him a shot of it, and the guy downs it one gulp. This happens again a few times until another guy asks "Man, thats three shots of the best single malt whiskey, its expensive and hard to find. Why are you in such a hurry to drink it?" The man replies, "You'd be in a hurry too if you had what I have." "what do you have?" And the man replies, "Fifty cents." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted January 25, 2005 Share Posted January 25, 2005 Two hunters, Mad Mardigan and Douglas, went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot him. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, Mad Mardigan, who was in the front of the costume, said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, Douglas, who was in the back, shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" Mad Mardigan said, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 After nine years, a stripper in Toronto who was mauled by a tiger at a safari park has finally won C$650,000 in compensation for work she could no longer perform due to scarring. Jennifer-Anne Cowles and her boyfriend were driving through the park when a tiger bumped into their car. The couple claims that, although their windows had been rolled up, they panicked and rolled them down after the alleged bumping. Cowles' boyfriend, David Balac, was awarded C$1.7 million to compensate for work he was unable to perform as an accordionist. A worker at African Lion Safari, who requested anonymity because I made him up, commented, "This is really a shame, a travesty of justice. I mean, who in their right minds would give an accordionist almost three times as much as a stripper?" This has been Views on the News, please resume thinking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession. The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that." The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!" The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted February 4, 2005 Share Posted February 4, 2005 Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted February 7, 2005 Share Posted February 7, 2005 The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted February 10, 2005 Author Share Posted February 10, 2005 5@y0 just reminded me in the weightlifting thread. How do you make Hormone? A: Don`t pay her Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nevermore Posted February 12, 2005 Share Posted February 12, 2005 Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage." "No problem!" says the Wizard, "Who is next?" Up steps George Bush Senior sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I've heard its true." says the Wizard. "Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?" George W. bush steps forward, "Well, I think I need a brain". "Done" says the Wizard. Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "What brings you to the emerald city?" "Is Dorothy around?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 I just this minute heard this from my wife. Q. what do you call a cow with no legs? A. Ground beef Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ed84c Posted February 15, 2005 Share Posted February 15, 2005 Joke; England Rugby Team Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 joke; ed84c anyway, here`s a "definition" joke. Q, what`s the definition of Disgusting? A, eating a bowl of Corn Flakes, and finding out your brothers Scab Collection has gone missing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YT2095 Posted February 15, 2005 Author Share Posted February 15, 2005 Q. definition of panic? A. Farting in your space suit. --------------------------------------- Q, Definition of YUCK! A, kissing your Granny goodnight and she sticks her tongue in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted February 16, 2005 Share Posted February 16, 2005 Thanks, YT! I was going to do it when I made Mod but thought it would be an abuse of power if I did it too soon. Speaking of sticky: A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gilded Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Yeah, stickiness is great in all its glorious forms (and sorry for my absence, bloody high school... but now I got a week of skiing/winter holiday, or in other words computer holiday, yay!). And here's a joke for ya: Phi for All had been suffering of nightmares for weeks. His psychiatrist asks him about his dreams: Psych.: So, in your dream you're being chased by something? Phi: Yeah! My wife and a crocodile. Oh boy, sharp fangs and those blazing eyes, pure evil I say! Psych.: Wow, that sounds pretty scary! Phi: Yeah, and just wait till I describe the crocodile! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RICHARDBATTY Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Who in the uk remembers rainbow the childrens tv show and how disgustingly filthy it was. http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html Even if your not from the uk you may still like this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RICHARDBATTY Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously......... ............... "He's decomposing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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