The Secret to True Happiness

[herme3]

Many of you have probably read posts Ive made in the past when I was feeling lonely and rejected by other people. However, I have now found the secret to true happiness. I stopped worrying about what other people think, and Ive just decided to avoid conversations with people except for when I need to work with them.

 

 

I no longer feel the pressure and stress of trying to be accepted by someone. I just dont care anymore, and it feels great!

Edited December 8, 2010 by herme3

[-Demosthenes-]

Why not just talk to people? If you currently don't care what they think, why not talk to them when the opportunity arises and not worry about what they think?

[padren]

I think your approach is far more positive than letting others run your life or putting your sense of self worth upon whether they are pleased with you.

 

Ultimately, that is not what socializing is about though, and I would see your approach as simply one step in a process of becoming self-sufficient in terms of self worth.

After you learn you can be happy by yourself, and free yourself of the social baggage you used to carry, you'll be in a much better position to make social connections that are benefitial, because you won't mind walking away from one if it turns out a bad fit.

 

But just because you learn you don't need other people, doesn't mean your life can't be better with the right others than it is without.

[herme3]

Why not just talk to people? If you currently don't care what they think, why not talk to them when the opportunity arises and not worry about what they think?

 

What would be the purpose? I really don't have any need to talk to people.

 

After you learn you can be happy by yourself, and free yourself of the social baggage you used to carry, you'll be in a much better position to make social connections that are benefitial, because you won't mind walking away from one if it turns out a bad fit.

 

Well, I'm not really worried about making a bad social connection. The problem is just the stress from any type of social connection. For example, I had a good friend last year. She was a very nice person, and she certainly wasn't a bad social connection for me. It's just that I was always worried about what she thought about me, and I was constantly worried about losing her as a friend.

 

When I first left high school and started college, I missed her a lot. However, that's when I decided to live a socially isolated life. Now, I realize that I don't need her or any other friends to enjoy my life. Most people are trapped by the desire to make friends. I recently learned how to overcome the desire to make friends, and now I've never felt better in my whole life.

[Mokele]

Yes, because running away from your problems is always the solution. After all, it's not like humans are inherently social creatures for whom lack of social interaction can cause psychological damage.

 

Do you do anything but whine?

[padren]

Well, I'm not really worried about making a bad social connection. The problem is just the stress from any type of social connection. For example, I had a good friend last year. She was a very nice person, and she certainly wasn't a bad social connection for me. It's just that I was always worried about what she thought about me, and I was constantly worried about losing her as a friend.

That does sound like a bad social connection - it is not healthy nor a normal friendship to be constantly worried about loosing a friend. My social connections don't have stress - in fact they relieve stress. When I am stressed about work, its good to have friends to relax with. I wouldn't say I couldn't without them - but hey, life is a lot better with them.

 

When I first left high school and started college, I missed her a lot. However, that's when I decided to live a socially isolated life. Now, I realize that I don't need her or any other friends to enjoy my life. Most people are trapped by the desire to make friends. I recently learned how to overcome the desire to make friends, and now I've never felt better in my whole life.

 

I am willing to bet that it isn't the social isolation that has made you feel better than ever, but the side affect of not worrying about whether people like you. It is very freeing to not worry what others think - and healthy as well.

I just recommend that you remain open to the possibility that when you do meet people that do think well of you and enjoy your company, that you let yourself enjoy theirs as well. Then you can have a normal friendship that is mutually benificial, no one is stressed over it, and even though you don't need it it'll come in as a nice luxury all the same.

[bascule]

You haven't found the secret to happiness. You found the secret to self-delusion. The happiness will last until you realize you live in an isolated world of self-delusion, at which point you'll feel horrible.

 

Here's what you need to do: GET OUT. You are in a college environment? Correct? Find a party. It's not hard to do. Chances are, even if you can't find someone who knows of a party, you can just go wander around and luck out. Get out as much as possible. Interact with people. Living cloistered in your own isolated world of self-delusion will ultimately leave you feeling bereft of some of the best years in your life which you spent in complete social isolation, but in the end that's a good thing because it convinces you to make the most of your life now.

 

And yes, I'm speaking from personal experience here, but in my case, it was high school I spent like that. College was some of the best years of my life. You should make the most of yours. So cut out the "I Am A Rock" bullsh*t and live your life. (that was the point of the song, you know)

[mr d]

Hello

 

Let's see, next we have the manifesto, then we see a person on the news saying 'they were such a quite person, kept to themselves a lot'.

 

Sorry couldn't help it.

 

A time of self reflection is not a bad thing, helps you think things out. But with age you'll discover most of your memories of life are about the people you meet on the journey. Good, bad, or indifferent they're what decides how you turn out;and what real value and difference you had in the world.

 

Is it really how those people act that is the problem? Or is the problem they don't act how you want them to. In isolation you do as you want, when you want, how you want. The world is a place of give and take, and boy do a lot of people want to take, but most people will give freely of themselves if they don't think your acting to manipulate them for your own gains.

 

And even if they're crass, or cruel, or pitiful; so what, who defines you you or them. Lifes a comedy so laugh it off and experience what is out there waiting for you. Aged as I am I find what they say true that 'you regret more what you didn't do, than what you did'. Sounds odd but true none the less.

 

And here you are Mr. Isolation asking a question on a chat board hoping for responces. Thinking about starting a web page where people can write to you, and you can choose to respond or not.

 

Do you believe your a person worth knowing? Do you have something to offer to others out there? As the great philosopher Popeye said 'I yam what I yam'. If they don't want to know you, so what, their loss. Don't let other people define you, or your thoughts.

 

Grab life by the horns, go for the gusto (see you can learn something from watching beer ads).

 

Mr D

[woelen]

I also strongly agree with Bascule. Herme3, what you are doing now can be a temporal step to let the dust settle and to release stress. Stepping back sometimes is not bad.

 

BUT ... don't stay in this situation. Once you feel the stress has gone, you definitely should go out, make contacts and see what they bring you (and, of course, the other). Yoy say you don't really care anymore about what others think of you. Well, then go out, try to meet other people, and if the contact is not that good, then nothing is lost. There are many more opportunities.

 

I understood from previous posts that you are in college (plenty of opportunities), you visit some church (plenty of other opportunities) and you still have family connections. Seems a lot of possibilities to meet people and talk with them. Then DO so!

[Sisyphus]

Whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine!

 

Ahem. Er, so why exactly does "not caring what other people think" = "intentionally isolating yourself from human contact?" If you have to do the latter, then you obviously haven't even come close to getting over the former.

 

Personally, I also find social interaction exhausting. Parties, for example. Hate them. But I still have friends, people I hang out with an enjoy the company of. People who are my friends because I can be as comfortable with them as when I'm alone.

 

So in short, isolation is NOT the answer, and you'll really regret it if you stick with it. I'm a senior in college myself, and even though I do have friends, I tended to avoid other social activity, and I regret even that, when I think of all the really interesting people I've barely gotten to know.

[Royston]

Deleted...was being too harsh.

[herme3]

Do you do anything but whine?

 

I'm not whining. In fact, I'm doing the complete opposite.

 

My social connections don't have stress - in fact they relieve stress. When I am stressed about work, its good to have friends to relax with.

 

I have my own ways to relieve stress. My main way is to just go out and eat at a restaurant. It's a great way to relax. Also, it helps take my mind off of stress if I play video games. After playing a good video game, I will feel much better if I was having a bad day.

 

I am willing to bet that it isn't the social isolation that has made you feel better than ever, but the side affect of not worrying about whether people like you. It is very freeing to not worry what others think - and healthy as well.

 

Exactly! Socially isolating myself has taken away all of my worries about whether or not people like me. It is very freeing and makes my life seem much better.

 

You found the secret to self-delusion. The happiness will last until you realize you live in an isolated world of self-delusion, at which point you'll feel horrible.

 

I have already realized I live in an isolated world of self-delusion. That's why I'm so happy. At first, I did miss having social conversations with people. However, once I realized I was socially isolated, it gave me a feeling of great comfort.

 

Er, so why exactly does "not caring what other people think" = "intentionally isolating yourself from human contact?" If you have to do the latter, then you obviously haven't even come close to getting over the former.

 

You're right, and I doubt I would ever come close to getting over it. If I'm ever friends with a person, I will be constantly worried about what he/she thinks of me. I will worry about it quite often, even when I'm not around that person. If I try to be social again, I know this worry will control my life again. It's just not worth it. I have found the way to avoid this worry and the stress that it brings. Having friends is not worth the constant worry of what they think about me. I'm just going to enjoy my life.

[GutZ]

Don't listen to these people they know nothing lol. I am probably very similiar to you, getting rid of the stress and anixety is the hardest part, I am isolated by some people standards but I am comfortable that way, I don't do it on purpose.

 

Eventually you'll be more social when your comfortable in that setting, and that comes with no letting things bother you, its hard to explain precisely. I don't understand this obsession with forced extreme social behaviour. even if 90% of the human population likes it, doesn't mean I would or someone else likes it. It's probably how the problem starts, you have to be like "that" guy, pfffft.

 

You have to realize that H3rme already lives in a self-delusioned world. He's just switching from negative to positive, eventually (or more hopefully) it will merge with reality. Niether delusion satisfies for long. He'll find the right mixture.

[woelen]

He'll find the right mixture.

I sincerely hope so. His strategy also can lead to extreme lonelyness (which is very different from being alone) and deep depression.

 

Humans are made to be social. As I stated in my previous post, as a temporal solution it may work, but do work on getting out again. Otherwise you'll regret it.

[Dak]

I just don’t care anymore, and it feels great!

 

ironically, this is what will probably eventually lead to you finding friends.

 

friendship is a form of love, and, like all love, if you look hard enough you'll find it -- even when it's not there. then, it wont work out (cos it's not really there), and the cycle of suckyness and emo self-loathing repeats.

 

the way to find love/friendship is to not look for it; then you'll probably stumble upon it by accident.

 

so... by all means dont care, but i'd advise that you dont specifically reject friendship if you find it.

 

in other words: as people have said before (and you seem to now be doing), just chill and be yourself, and eventually you'll find someone who likes you for who you are, i.e. someone who's oppinion of you won't matter.

[DaveC426913]

What would be the purpose? I really don't have any need to talk to people.

 

Because without social interaction, you will whither. You will not grow fully without human interaction, nor will you realize your full potential.

 

 

Something else to consider: you mention many times about the "worries" and "stress" and come from interaction. You are not free at all. You are simply isolating yourself from harm.

 

Padren's post #3 says it best: you are working towards self-sufficiency, still a few steps away from happiness.

[DaveC426913]

I have already realized I live in an isolated world of self-delusion. That's why I'm so happy. At first, I did miss having social conversations with people. However, once I realized I was socially isolated, it gave me a feeling of great comfort.

Ah. Bingo.

 

Comfort, yes. Happiness, no.

[GutZ]

I sincerely hope so. His strategy also can lead to extreme lonelyness (which is very different from being alone) and deep depression.

 

Humans are made to be social. As I stated in my previous post, as a temporal solution it may work, but do work on getting out again. Otherwise you'll regret it.

 

True, but as weird as it may sound some people are just odd socially. I am more relaxed and at peace alone, then am with people. I was lonely at one point because I felt I should be social, that I needed to be around people to have meaning in my life, which wasn't true, the more I forced it or other people who forced it the worst it got to a point that depression was the least of my worries.

 

I can't truely explain it. This board and my posts are who I am without restraints of reality, when I am in a real situation it's different, my mind is triggered with some sort of self-programmed delusioned view of the world. It's like riding a bike. You can't explain to someone how to ride a bike, it's something you have to experience. Try learning to ride one without a proper sense of balance though, imagine you can't grasp balance because to you inherently lean to the left. Some people might have to lean to the right cancel out that inherent behaviour. Naturally you can't stay on the right too long because it's not different from being on the left all the time, but in the process you start to understand balance.

 

It's not the greatest or best method, but for me, and probably others it will be the only way.

 

the other thing too, by herme saying "I don't care anymore" (From what I experienced) doesn't neccessarily mean it literial sense. It's could be just the best way to describe it for him. I am certain its by comparsion where he cared too much, and when you care too much the stress is quite high, when you let go of these things it's such a relief, its how you naturally expressed it. I did that too, yet I still cared far more then normal people.

 

Of course I don't know herme all too well (just his posts), so I agree with basically everything you said (caution is need), at the same time I've been in similar situations, and came out A-OK

[1veedo]

For some reason I'm thinking asperger's syndrom when I think of you.

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome

 

It's not so much of a mental disorder as a personality trait, but in severe cases it can be classified as one.

 

Poor social skills

Above average intelligence, especailly math, science, language

Better at writing than speaking

Intense areas of interest (I remember a bunch of "computer" threads by you, and oyu seem to make a lot of websites...)

...

And I'm thinking autism..."to yourself."

[iglak]

as Dave pointed out, comfort is different from happiness.

 

"not caring" is a strange subject.

the next step towards happiness is when you can listen to what people say and think about them, but not emotionally attach to anything. thoughtfully care, but not emotionally care.

 

then the next step is when you can control your emotions to the point where you only let them influence you when you want them to.

 

imo, true happiness is when you are able to do what you want without influence. but truer happiness is when you want something fulfilling to you, rather than comforting. and friends and emotions can be quite fun and interresting.

[JohnB]

While I hate to admit it, I agree with Bascule. All you are doing is deluding yourself.

 

It seems to me that your major problem here is an inherent lack of self worth. You don't know who you are so you define yourself by what others think. Given the fact that by definition, half of the people you meet are of below average intelligence, what makes their opinion so important?

 

Now the occasional retreat is good for you. It allows you to assess your life and views and think on the important questions. Who are you? What do you want? What traits do you most admire in others? How do you cultivate those traits in yourself? But a retreat for the purpose of not asking those questions, as you are doing, is bad for you.

 

What you are doing is the equivalent of someone saying "I can't relate to women" and instead of doing something about it, going to live in a cloistered monastery. It's running away from the problem, not dealing with it.

 

I've read a few threads of this type by you and the over-riding sense is that you constantly bleat about how dificult some things are and how you can't do them. Have you ever tried defining yourself by what you are, rather than by what you're not? One approach is inherently positive while the other is inherently negative.

 

The secret to true happiness?

 

Faster Horses.

Younger Women.

Older Whiskey.

More Money.

[DaveC426913]

Have you ever tried defining yourself by what you are, rather than by what you're not?

Sage words. I wanted to add to them, but that about covers it.

[bascule]

The secret to true happiness is to interconnect and resonate with your surroundings in such a way that you feel self-actualized

[Y-S]

There Is No ****ing Happiness

[Severian]

Everyone is different. Everyone has different needs - some people need to socialize all the time, while some people need space. Lot's of people here are trying to give you advice, and I suppose I am not different, but my advice to you would be to take all the advice you are given with a pinch of salt.

 

bascule thinks that "The secret to true happiness is to interconnect and resonate with your surroundings in such a way that you feel self-actualized". This may be true for him, but may not be true for other people. (I am not even sure what it means.)

 

I am very aware of how different people are, because I definitely need my space, while many of my friends are social animals. This leads to friction when they accuse me of being unsociable - they don't understand that I have a need to be on my own sometimes and think that I don't like them because I don't want to be with them all the time. This isn't true - I like and value my friends.

 

Fortunately for me, I am happy enough with who I am to understand this and deal with it. Sometimes I compromise and go to parties when I really want to stay at home because I want to show my friends that I value their friendship. But I understand why I do that, and recognise that it is my choice and don't resent them for being more socially orientated than I am.

 

It seems to me that you have made a good first step. You have realised how happy you can be with only your own company. It can be a very healthy thing to step away from society to allow you some time to yourself to think through where you really are in your life. I have done this myself on occasion.

 

However, you will find (in a few months) that you start to crave some social interaction. This is completely normal for a healthy individual, and your time alone will help you come into new relationships with a greater sense of personal identity. Your relationships will become two-way partnerships with both parties getting something out of them, rather than the sort of one-way relationships you seem to have had in the past (no offense).

 

So although I think you will find that your desire for solitute doesn't last very long, I also think you will find that your time alone helps you deal with people and social interaction in a much more healthy way.