Phi for All

You mean, without pointing their head up? How would they see the moon to howl at it? Or spot a squirrel in a tree?

Is everybody looking for some funny? Welcome to the club! It's become a little tradition here at SFN to roast new Moderators with some good old-fashioned slander. Tonight's vict-, I mean guest, is Dak, that wunderfolly brillyunt Brit with a really twisted point of view. Dak isn’t really a bad speller, it’s just tough to type with a pencil in your teeth. He can’t use his hands because someone’s tied the arms of his jacket behind his back. He mostly sits around watching British children’s shows and thinking up ways to make interesting sounds with beer and a straw. When the foam starts coming out of his nose he boots up his computer, a Commodore PET 2001 Plus with an 800x600 monitor he rigged up from an old aquarium, parks his lo-rez arse on a padded cinder block and starts heckling the rest of us here at SFN. Dak truly puts the “e” in eccentricity, usually more times than is proper. For that and his promise to sign over his trust fund to blike, we have honored him with this promotion to the SFN Staff. Dak is truly an inspiration to everyone who thinks, “If *he* can make it, it’s way beneath me!”

Welcome, you wonderful woman! We've been waiting to hear from the saner side of your household!

Welcome all, and sorry if we kidnapped your intro and moved it here. This is where it belongs. Thanks for joining everyone, and I hope you learn to love it here.

A beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden couldn’t get her tomatoes to ripen. Admiring her neighbor’s garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she went over one day and asked him his secret. “It’s really quite simple,” the man explained. “Twice each day in the morning and in the evening I expose myself in front of the tomaotes and they turn red with embarrassment.” Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and exposed herself to her plants twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress. “So,” he asked, “Any luck with your tomatoes?” “No,” she replied excitedly, “but you should see the size of my cucumbers!!”

According to informed sources, Gerber baby food didn't sell well at first in Africa. Gerber used the same label with a smiling baby on it and in Africa, where many people can't read, the convention is to put a picture of what's inside on the label. Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, “It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken” was translated into Spanish as, “It takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate”. The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign “Got Milk?” prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read, “Are you lactating?”

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, “Please paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and a gold Rolex.” “But you are not wearing any of those things,” he replied. “I know,” she said. “If I die before my husband and he remarries right away, I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry.”

If you won't eat cows you won't get your bovine growth hormone....

It would be... illogical.

Welcome kiwimac! Don't forget to stop by our sister site, Theology Forums. We welcome your spiritual views there and hope you can add to our knowledge. And welcome to SFN as well. I like the "not content to remain ignorant" bit (what a great bumper sticker!). Happy posting!

SFN's very own Gilded wanted to have sex with a girl at work but she had a boyfriend. She kept turning him down. One day Gilded got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a US$100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl said "Absolutely NOT!" Gilded said, "I'll promise to be really fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up." She thought for a moment and said that she would have to ask her boyfriend. She called him and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast and he won't even be able to get his pants down. Call me back when you have the cash and we'll go party". The girl goes back to Gilded and agrees at double the price. After fifteen minutes the boyfriend calls the girl but gets no answer. Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still calling. Finally, after an hour, the boyfriend gets through and asks what happened. The girl is out of breath but manages to gasp, "The bastard used quarters!" :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D:D :D

You're in good hands then. No matter what he suggests, wear your goggles, cut the number of chilis in half and double the length of the fuse and you'll be fine. Welcome!

"... I would just like to know if you know what it means to have a plethora. I would not like to think that someone would tell someone else he has a plethora, and then find out that that person has *no idea* what it means to have a plethora." -El Guapo

Google "matter-antimatter symmetry disruption" and kiss your ass goodbye.

Do what it says on the bottle: "Take two aspirin. Keep away from children." Welcome to SFN. Don't blow anything up.

Mrs. Tilly hates soda but loves the fizz and the bubbles. Mrs. Tilly loves books but hates to read. Mrs. Tilly hates milk and cream but loves butter. I like this one because you can prove you get it without using the spoiler tags. Because Mrs. Tilly loves to peek but she hates to cheat.

Welcome to all the newcomers. We hope you enjoy our little community and look forward to the increase in knowledge you bring.

I have a Golden retriever and I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Normally I'd just roll my eyes and shake my head disgustedly but on impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Liability. We don't want anyone to get hurt by trying an experiment they read about here. There are some great experiments in the Chemistry section. Make sure to use all the precautions the members and Experts recommend. Trying each experiment the right way means you get to do more than one.

Two rednecks are having a beer on the front porch. The first one says, "Hey, lemme ask you sumpthin'. If I was to sneak over to yore trailer some Saturday and make love to yore wife whilst you was out huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second redneck squints his eyes up and scratches his head for a while, then finally says, "Well, I don't know if it would make us *kin*, but it shore would make us EVEN!"

Hey, everyone, you want to hear some funny? Welcome to the club! It looks like dueling stand-up with Gilded! He thinks he's such a wit, but he's wrong by half! The man couldn't put a joke together without gluing his fingers to his nostrils. Most of the laughs he gets here at the club are when he falls off the stage at the end of his act. I'll bet you were wondering how anyone could be that thirsty telling bad jokes. Seriously, Gilded doesn't have a drinking problem, he has a strength problem. His arm gets tired lifting two-litre Finlandia bottles. Drinking makes him *feel* sophisticated even though he can't *say* sophisticated. Tell us, Gilded, vodka you planning on doing later? He's a good guy, although he really puts the "scandal" in Scandalnavian. He dates mostly young, married women and is very popular in Finland. His hearing is excellent and he's getting very good at climbing out of upper floor windows. He really needs to remember his pants more often, given Finland's climate. The other day I saw him in a dress. I asked him where he got it and he told he he'd just climbed down from a bedroom window into an alley when a cute girl on a Vespa saw him. He was naked so she hopped off her motorbike, took off her dress and said, "Take what you want!" Jeez, Gilded, if you'd remembered to grab your pants you could've had a Vespa!

Relatively new fields won't get their own forum until they become at least moderately popular fields. Start some threads about it and when we have a preponderance we will most surely start a sub-forum.

Welcome to the club, ladies and gentlemen! I see jdurg is in the audience tonight. Besides being one of our Resident Experts in Chemistry, jdurg loves to golf. I actually caddied for him early Sunday morning before last and his game has really improved. He misses the ball much closer now. And jdurg is very committed to the game. He asked me if I thought playing golf on a Sunday was a sin and I told him, "The way you play, it's a sin ANY day!" He said, "You don't like my game?" and I replied, "It's OK, but I prefer golf!" The course manager kept getting on the loudspeaker asking jdurg to please tee off from the men's tees, NOT the ladies' tees. Finally I had to turn and yell, "Would you let the man take his second shot!?!" We finally got onto the fairway and he looked at the green and asked me if I thought he could get there with a five iron. I said, "Someday, maybe." He said he'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course. I told him to try heaven, 'cause he'd already moved most of the earth. Many, many strokes later he said, "Would you stop looking at your watch, it's very distracting!" I said, "It's not a watch, it's a compass!" We lost his ball and when we finally found it he said, "This can't be my ball, it's too old!" I said, "Well, jdurg, it's been a long time since you teed off!" Then he proceeds to shank it right into the lake he's standing next to. He tells me he just wants to drown himself and I ask him, "You think you can keep your head down that long?" When we finished that evening he says I'm the worst caddy in the world. I tell him, "I don't think so, jdurg, that would be too much of a coincidence!"

Sure, set it up in General Discussion and lay out the rules. Sounds like fun, lol. This thread is for adding new fora to the site.

And the existing Engineering forum can't cover that because...?