The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Phi for All]

Great one, RB! If I may...

 

 

Great move, Einstein! Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat!!!

[RICHARDBATTY]

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.

She said, The sky is definately blue

I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else

Timmy raised his hand and said, The grass is definately green.

I'm sorry Timmy thats not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else

Little Johnny raises his hand and says, Teacher do farts have lumps

The teacher says, no why

Johnny says, "Then I have definately crapped my pants!"

[RICHARDBATTY]

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

 

To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service

[Phi for All]

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee!

[drz]

"Then I have definately crapped my pants!"

 

lol, nice ones.

 

Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs?

 

 

He doesn't want anyone to know he's been screwing chickens.

[-Demosthenes-]

there were two cows, ones says to the other, "will you pass the toaster??"

[RICHARDBATTY]

What goes "oooo".

A cow with no lips.

[RICHARDBATTY]

Why does it take two women with pmt to change a light bulb.

Because it just f***in does allright! .

[RICHARDBATTY]

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.

 

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right .. . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

 

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"

 

To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

[RICHARDBATTY]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

 

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

 

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

 

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

 

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!"

[RICHARDBATTY]

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do?

 

 

 

 

 

A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead

[RICHARDBATTY]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

[Phi for All]

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

 

The man grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles! I'm not having any shot!"

 

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

 

The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me puke for days. No gas."

 

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water, "Here," he says. "Take this pill."

 

The man asks "What is it?"

 

The doc replies, "Viagra."

 

The man looks surprised, "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

 

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[Phi for All]

Two guys were taking college chemistry. They were so confident going into the final that two days before, they decided to go upstate and party with some friends.

 

They had a great time, but they overslept and didn't make it back to school until the morning of the exam.

 

Rather than take the final, they found their professor afterward to explain why they missed the final. They told him that they went upstate for the weekend and had planned to come back in time to study, but they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time, so they were late getting back to campus. The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day to write the exam. The professor placed them in separate rooms, handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

 

They looked at the first problem, which was worth five points. "Cool," they each thought, "this is going to be easy."

 

They each did that problem and then turned the page. Question #2 was: "Which tire?" (95 points).

[Phi for All]

A man goes on a safari and brings his dog along, but the dog runs off and gets lost. The dog comes upon a skeleton on the ground and he realizes they are jaguar bones. Just then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a jaguar stalking him. So the dog thinks real quick, loudly belches and says "Man, that sure was a tasty jaguar." So the jaguar backs off realizing he shouldn't mess with this dog.

 

A monkey was in a tree and sees all this and thinks, "If I tell the jaguar what's up maybe he won't eat me." So he goes down to the jaguar and says "You've been had. He didn't eat that jaguar."

 

The jaguar says "Well, see what I do to this dog." The monkey jumps on his back and the jaguar begins to stalk the dog again.

 

The dog realizes what has happened so he thinks real quick and says, "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him out ten minutes ago to get me another jaguar!"

[aommaster]

A priest and a cab driver die, and they find themselves on front of St. Peter. St. Peter says "Ok .You both are going to heaven". He takes the cab driver to a mansion with everything and anything the cab driver wanted. He could get an olympic sized swimming pool, or a gigantic TV, anytime he wanted it. Next, St. Peter takes the priest to an old shack. It had a bunk bed, and a small TV. The priest says "St. Peter, I think you have been mistaken. Shouldn't I get the mansion, since I have preached and told people about our religion?"

 

St.Peter replies "During your sermons, everyone was asleep. But, during the cab driver's driving, everyone was praying!"

[Phi for All]

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when the bus suddenly ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's field. The old farmer heard the tragic crash so he rushed over to investigate. He then began digging a large grave to bury the politicians.

 

A few hours later, the local sheriff was driving past the farmer's field and noticed the bus wreck. He approached the old farmer and asked where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer explained that he'd gone ahead and buried all of them. "Were they ALL dead?" asked the puzzled sheriff.

 

"Well, some of them said they weren't," said the old farmer, "but you can't trust politicians!"

[Phi for All]

A guy is rushed into the emergency room with two badly burned ears. After the doctor fixes him up with gauze and salve, he asks how it happened.

 

The guy says, ''I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang. By accident, instead of the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.''

 

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

 

The guy grins sheepishly and says, ''I tried to call for an ambulance!''

[Phi for All]

A female student was shocked when the biology professor asked her, "What part of the human anatomy enlarges to about 10 times its normal size during periods of emotion or excitement?"

 

"I - I - I refuse to answer that question," the girl stammered and blushingly turned her face away.

 

Another student was asked the same question and answered correctly, "The pupil of the eye."

 

"Miss Fenster," said the professor, "your refusal to answer the question leads me to three conclusions:

One: You didn't study last night's assignment.

Two: You have a dirty mind

Three: Your marriage will be a tremendous disappointment."

[Phi for All]

Bumper Stickers & Slogans for the Bush 2004 Campaign

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Four More Wars

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Leave No Billionaire Behind

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Deja-Voodoo All Over Again!

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Compassionate Colonialism

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Because the Truth Just Isn't Good Enough

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Making the World a Better Place, One Country at a Time

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Over a Billion Whoppers Served.

 

Bush/Cheney '04: Putting the "Con" in Conservative

 

Bush/Cheney '04: We're Gooder!

 

Bush/Cheney '04: This Time, Elect Us!

 

Thanks for Not Paying Attention!

 

The Last Vote You'll Ever Have to Cast

 

George W. Bush: The Buck Stops Over There

 

Don't think. Vote Bush!

 

It Takes a Village Idiot

 

One Person, One Vote* (*May Not Apply in Certain States)

[swansont]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who told racy stories during class, a group of coeds decided that the next time he started to tell one they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time: then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France . . ."

 

The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor, "the next plane doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon."

[swansont]

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children.". The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think.

[Phi for All]

A man goes to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

 

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

 

"The Fottle," replies the inventor.

 

"Fottle? Not a very catchy name! Can't you think of something else?"

 

"I'll try. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."

 

"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.

 

"The Farton", replies the inventor.

 

"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"

 

"In that case," says the inventor, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."

[Phi for All]

I'm not a complete idiot! Some of my parts are missing!

[Phi for All]

I don't think we can win the war on terrorism! Unless we can, in which case we will! But it will be hard, so we probably won't. But we could if we wanted to. If there was any money in peace. Which there isn't. So we won't. Right Dick?