Phi for All

A man went to the brain store to get some brains to complete a study. He's trying to decide between scientist brains, computer-programmer brains or lawyer brains. "How much does it cost for scientist brains?" he asks. "Three dollars an ounce," replies the clerk "How much for programmer brains?" "Four dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brains?" "$1000 an ounce." "Why are lawyer brains so expensive?" "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get an ounce of brains?"

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. The devil tells him, "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

A man goes to a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is lathering him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever had. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, "What if I swallow it?" "Happens all the time," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott," said the man "That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 25-year-old stewardess who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope." "Actually," said the man, "we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." "Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?" He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?"

Politics-Guns: 483 Replies, 4491 Views. We've gotta beat that! Do your part, tell us a joke! Second that!

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got a phone in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, "Yes, I have a phone." The Yugo guy said, "Cool! Hey, you also got a fridge in there, too? I've got one in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, much annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator." The driver of the Yugo said, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, "Of course, I have a television. The Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!" The driver of the Yugo said, "Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in my Yugo!" The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls-Royce. The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb! It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Rolls went out searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night, parked, with all the windows fogged up. He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he continued knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his head out. "I now have a bed in my Rolls-Royce," the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly. The Yugo guy looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!?!"

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town in Florida spelled Kissimmee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it: KISS-a-me, ki-SIM-ee, or kiss-a-ME. Since they were hungry, they pulled into a fast-food place to get something to eat. The man said to the girl behind the counter, "Excuse me, my wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand?" The girl looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnnggg."

A man sitting on a park bench notices two men dressed in county worker overalls digging with shovels. One of them digs a hole two feet deep, then moves about twenty feet away and starts digging another hole. The second one follows behind the first, filling up the hole after a few minutes have passed. The man on the bench finally says, "Why are you wasting taxpayer money by digging holes and filling them in?" One of the workers looks over at him and explains, "The guy who puts the trees in is off sick today."

Do you mean favorite joke? If you meant thread, why the past tense? This thread has to continue until it's longer than the "Guns" thread! You owe us a joke for that comment, you know! A man finds a genie in a bottle. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

Hello, and welcome to Dane County Mental Health Hospital. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696 If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0-0-0. If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. Our operators are too busy to talk with you. If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever. If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up. If you are anal retentive, please hold.

Over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research. It is believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't remember what to do with them.

A twelve-year old boy swaggers into a bar, walks up to the barmaid and says, "Bring me a double scotch straight up!" The barmaid just looks at him and says, "What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?" The boy looks her over and says, "Maybe later. For now, just bring me the scotch!"

Are we talking bars or baby harp seals?

A man is seated next to a woman on an airplane. When the plane has leveled off, the woman begins to sneeze. Each time she sneezes, she grabs the arms of her seat and arches her back for a few seconds before finally settling back down. After five of these strange sneezes, the man leans over and asks, "Are you all right? I've never seen anyone sneeze like that before!" She gives him a worn out smile and says, "I'm sorry if I've bothered you. I have a rare affliction: every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm!" The man looks shocked, then says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" With a grin, the woman replies, "Pepper."

A man wakes up in the hospital after a terrible car accident and sees a doctor looking at him with a very serious expression. The man's eyes widen and he screams, "Doc, I can't feel my legs! Oh my God, I can't feel my legs!!!" The doctor smiles reassuringly and says, "Your legs are fine, don't worry. You can't feel them because I had to amputate both your arms!"

It's no wonder we're all going insane: 1. You can get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Drug stores make sick people walk all the way to the back to get medicine while healthy people can buy cigarettes up at the front. 3. We leave cars worth tens of thousands of dollars in the driveway while our worthless junk is in the garage. 4. We use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 5. We cook with lemon juice made with artificial flavoring and use dishwashing liquid made with real lemons. 6. We put our faith in Psychics when none of them ever wins the lottery. 7. The most common computer operating system can only be stopped by pressing "Start". 8. When you're intoxicated, you feel sophisticated but can't say sophisticated. 9. The #2 pencil is the most popular. 10. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Engineers ARE smarter. Accountants are stingier with their money. Stupid accountants: Stanley was fresh out of accounting school and went to an interview for a good paying job. The boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?" "Twenty-two," Stanley replied. After he left the interview, he double-checked it on his calculator and realized he wouldn't get the job. Two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! When Stanley went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong, the boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three engineers each buy tickets and watch as the three accountants buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. They all board the train. The engineers take their respective seats but all three accountants cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The engineers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the engineers decide to copy the accountants on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the accountants don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed engineer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an accountant. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the accountants leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the engineers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

The phone company needs to hire a new crew to put in telephone poles for the summer. The applicants are two college students and two rednecks. The foreman tells them whoever puts in the most telephone poles in a day will win the job. At the end of the day the college students report that they put in twelve poles. The foreman then goes to see the rednecks, Bubba and Duke. Duke tells him, "Bubba 'n me put in three!" "But the college students put in twelve!" the foreman told them. Duke just chuckles. "Yeah, but you should see how much of 'em they left stickin' out of the ground!"

A man phones the hospital and frantically tells the doctor, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are two minutes apart!" The doctor asks, "Is this her first child?" The mans screams into the phone, "NO, you idiot! This is her husband!!!"

The CIA is hiring more contractors (assassins) and it's down to three finalists for the job: two men and a woman. For the final test the head agent takes one of the men and points to a door leading into a room, hands him a gun and tells him a CIA contractor needs to be ruthless, so he must go into the room and kill the person he finds there. The man takes the gun, jacks a shell into the chamber and walks into the room. Seated in a chair is the man's own wife. He immediately leaves the room and hands back the gun, saying, "There's no way I would kill my wife. Forget it." The head agent tells him he's not ruthless enough for the CIA. The agent takes the second man to a similar room and gives him the same instructions. He enters with the gun and stays there for a full five minutes before he comes out, sobbing, "I can't do it, not my wife! I just can't do it!" The agent tells the man he's just not ruthless enough. The agent takes the woman candidate to the door of a third room, where her husband is in the chair, and tells her to kill the person she finds there. She closes the door and six shots ring out, along with terrible screaming and sounds of a huge fight. Finally, the woman emrges from the room, pats her hair into place and tells the agent, "You didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

A pint of Adenosine Triphosphate is 80 pence, we get it already, but does that make the rest of the jokes "abhorrant"?

A man meets a pirate in a bar and buys him a drink. He sees that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch. The man asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks, and one of 'em bit my leg off." "Ouch!" said the man. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding a rival pirate ship and were battling the other pirates with swords, and one of 'em cut my hand off." "Incredible!" remarked the man. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate. "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the man asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

A man seeking shelter from the rain one night finds a tall tower where an elderly Chinese man and his beautiful daughter live. The old man agrees to let the man spend the night in the top room of the tower as long as he doesn't try to fool around with the old man's daughter. He warns the man, "I will invoke upon you the Three Curses of the Rock if you touch her." The man agrees, but after seeing the beautiful daughter, he forgets about the Curses. After the old man has gone to bed he sneaks down and seduces the beautiful young woman. The next morning he wakes up to find a rock on his chest which weighs about twenty-five pounds. A note on top of the rock reads, "Curse #1: Rock on chest." The man chuckles to himself and thinks, "No big deal, I can lift this rock easily." He lifts the rock and walks with it over to the tower window and heaves the rock out. He sees, however, that the rock had some ink on it and has left a message imprinted on his right hand which reads, "Curse #2: Rock tied to right testicle." In horror, the man looks over the window sill to see the rock plummeting down to the ground trailing a stout string behind it. He quickly figures he could survive the fall from the tower so, placing his left hand on the window sill, he vaults out the window, hoping to keep the string from tightening. As he's falling he sees that ink from the window sill has left a message on his left hand that reads, "Curse #3: Left testicle tied to bedpost."