How To Validate Your Life

[Novalocity]

I just have been feeling very unsure about my place in life. I have never been tested for any mental illnesses but believe I might have some. I experience constant negative emotions towards life in general; including my obligations in the military, my music, and school. I would like to see how others validate their life in terms of worth, and ability. 

[dimreepr]

2 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

I would like to see how others validate their life in terms of worth, and ability. 

How do you quantify worth?

Do you think worth and ability are linked? If so how?

There is no magic answer, life is what you make of it, not from it; obligations at your age have little meaning other than what your parents consider to be your best bet in life but if you think they're wrong, it's worth telling them.

[Novalocity]

The way I have seen is that life can never be what you make it, you can only make changes to your life but never actually have a true effect on life or the way of living. My age is more likely going to be the downfall in bringing up topics on this website because "with age comes knowledge". I have made many changes in my life in order to positively effect it but my negative mentality remains no matter what I do. I am currently in my senior year of high school and can't motivate myself to do what's right not because of any real reason, but more out of knowledge. I used independent studies to get ahead of what I am expected to be learning causing me to be able to easily do the work, yet I still find the idea of wasting my time with such a minute experience as school. I am constantly told "Only you can change your life", but with every new decision nothing ever truly changes.

[Phi for All]

You're a human, the sum total of an evolutionary path that led to intelligence of such complexity that we alone amongst millions of species have figured out how to leave our own planet. You're also just a member of a species on a planet orbiting a minor sun in a galaxy full of suns, in a universe full of galaxies. I think you need to realize how small and insignificant you are before you can realize what a fantastic thing it is to be human. We're nothing in the bigger scheme of things, which allows us to appreciate being something with regard to our personal lives.

It's very common to think you have to find a "place" in life. What you have to find is a way of looking at everything to find why it has meaning for you. It sounds weird, but I love coffee and used to have a coffee maker that would hold several cups. When I was through with one cup, I'd pour another. Eventually, I realized I wasn't really enjoying it. I started buying better coffee, I used a French press, and now, even though it takes longer to make and has more details to it, I really appreciate my coffee a LOT more. By crafting it the way I do, I drink less but enjoy more. It's the ritual I've imposed to remind myself what a wonderful thing I'm doing for myself. For most cooking, I now try to use the same technique, hand-crafting meals to be fresh and tasty, not overly processed, because it gives me a more pleasurable experience. 

You have everything you need to determine your value to the rest of the world. The people who raised you did a pretty damn good job if you can make music and serve your country. You have access to accumulated human knowledge, and it sounds as though you appreciate it as one of the top three parts of your life. The very fact that you can question yourself shows you're a good person. Try figuring out some small things to reassure yourself that people like you, they need you, and they're better off having you around.

You sound young, so let me pose this as well. Stop picturing yourself like someone who has to find his "place". You aren't some marble rolling around looking for a low point to settle in. You think of your "place", but others might call that "pigeonholing". Maybe you have more than one place to fill in your life. Your negativity is a choice, so look for small ways to make your life more positive. 

Discussing science is, of course, the #1 remedy for excessive negativity. One cannot study the natural world and not be impressed, especially when you realize how much you are part of it.

[Achilles]

Believe in something. 

[Novalocity]

5 minutes ago, Phi for All said:

Your negativity is a choice, so look for small ways to make your life more positive. 

Why do I choose to remain negative? I started making changes in order to appreciate the small positive aspects of my life.

[dimreepr]

5 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

Why do I choose to remain negative? 

I hate to be so patronising but you're young (teenager I'm guessing) and sometimes it's just par for the course, but at least you're questioning yourself and that's a bloody good start.

[Phi for All]

3 hours ago, Novalocity said:

Why do I choose to remain negative? I started making changes in order to appreciate the small positive aspects of my life.

If you've started making changes, then you aren't "remaining" anywhere. 

As for your choices, part of the problem is your perspective. The choice you're making is in viewing your behavior as negative in terms of society. What if your view is negative, but in a good way? Some folks are hyper-aware of their immediate environment, always checking out anyone or anything that comes into it, mentally cataloguing all the various aspects of their surroundings. They can view that as paranoid and abnormal, or they can see themselves as an alert person who is unlikely to be a victim of those who prey on the unaware. 

I know a woman who is right on the borderline of being overly obsessive/compulsive. If things aren't a certain way, she makes everyone's life miserable until it's fixed. She could think of it negatively, but she doesn't, and she manages a huge office for a company that would be lost without her. When the employees do things her way, the whole place runs like a top, and everyone's happy. She's a stickler for detail in a business that relies on all the little parts working smoothly together. 

I know people who shun much of the social technology available these days, some of them half my age. They don't have FB pages, they often don't carry their phone, they don't "like" things, or abbreviate their feelings in 140 characters, or send pictures of their lunch to all their friends. They could view this negatively, speaking ill of those who use all those things, but they don't, and instead they go listen to live music, or see a play, or just hang out IRL with friends instead of staying in with the TV, phone, or computer.

I know you hit your 1st day limit of 5 posts, but I'd like to know what you think negatively about. Is it mostly about how things/people/events in the world are, or about how you are? 

[Novalocity]

On 9/6/2018 at 1:09 PM, Phi for All said:

I know you hit your 1st day limit of 5 posts, but I'd like to know what you think negatively about. Is it mostly about how things/people/events in the world are, or about how you are? 

I think negatively about the many things that stay constant in my life that I can't seem to change. My social life, my family, and my daily routine. I am constantly controlled by my Father and it limits me to live a routine that causes resentment in my life. It causes the negative attitude throughout my days and I try to change it every day but can't seem to succeed. The way I see it is, I am 18 so legally an adult, I have spent months in training that most cannot force themselves to achieve in order to earn the title of an American Soldier, and have proven throughout my life that I can make the correct choices when given opportunities; Therefore I should be allowed the freedom to make the choices to change the constant for the better and step out of the routine.

[Phi for All]

40 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

I think negatively about the many things that stay constant in my life that I can't seem to change. My social life, my family, and my daily routine. I am constantly controlled by my Father and it limits me to live a routine that causes resentment in my life. It causes the negative attitude throughout my days and I try to change it every day but can't seem to succeed. The way I see it is, I am 18 so legally an adult, I have spent months in training that most cannot force themselves to achieve in order to earn the title of an American Soldier, and have proven throughout my life that I can make the correct choices when given opportunities; Therefore I should be allowed the freedom to make the choices to change the constant for the better and step out of the routine.

Even with basically good kids, it's hard for a lot of fathers to let go of any control they feel might be beneficial. "My house, my rules" is a seemingly rational and sensible stance, but only if one acknowledges all the important aspects of the lives under that roof. I don't know your father, but I'm close to similar situations, and it's likely your father knows you're a good kid, but doesn't realize his job in that regard is long over, that he was successful. He may need to acknowledge that he did a great job raising a smart kid, and that when let loose and given the opportunity to decide, you'll make your own choices based on your upbringing. They may not always be correct, we all make mistakes, but your choices won't be wrong. Does that make sense?

Free advice, you decide if this has a chance of working. Have you ever written anything like this down for your father? Take the time, use the right words, express how you feel about making your own choices. Don't rant at him, don't accuse him, just lay out the way you see yourself living from now on, making your own decisions based on the person you're becoming, which is based on the child your parents raised. Let him know that he did a good job because you're a good kid, and you want to move on to being a good man now, but you need his help, you need him to give you more opportunities and freedom.

It's important to have the chances to make mistakes, to fall down and get back up again, and it's really hard for many parents to sit back quietly and watch it happen. If you don't get enough experience solving problems, you get fixated on the problems themselves, instead of the solutions. 

[Novalocity]

41 minutes ago, Phi for All said:

but only if one acknowledges all the important aspects of the lives under that roof.

I have a sister who is a year younger and she already gets treated like an adult while making constant bad choices and acting very childish constantly. It's an unfair situation, completely based off of nothing. There is no reason I can see that makes my Father treat us differently. I know a lot of the causes of the problems I just don' t know how to fix the issues. I can't write to my Father about this or speak to him because he just gets mad and becomes to aggressive to listen. I know exactly why he thinks what he thinks and does what he does but I personally have no idea how to make him realize. 

[Phi for All]

24 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

I have a sister who is a year younger and she already gets treated like an adult while making constant bad choices and acting very childish constantly. It's an unfair situation, completely based off of nothing. There is no reason I can see that makes my Father treat us differently.

OK, sincere honesty. Your use of all-encompassing words like "constantly", "completely", "based off nothing", and "no reason"  tells me you have a bias that you're confirming wrt your family. Be honest, people rarely do things for no reason, and we also tend to pick out those moments that vex us and put them in the ever-growing pile of negative points our biases create. You see only the times when your sister does something you think you'd get nailed for, and not the times when she's a good kid too. You're 18, you're at that point where you want to be seen as an adult, so those younger than you are automatically pretty childish. You're drawing important distinctions between adult and child behavior, but your sister isn't at that stage yet. You can draw distinctions, but you shouldn't judge your sister by the standards you hold for your older self.

I split up your paragraph because these first three sentences seemed different than the rest. The above makes it sound like you're blameless, and confused as to why you aren't getting better treatment. 

36 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

I know a lot of the causes of the problems I just don' t know how to fix the issues. I can't write to my Father about this or speak to him because he just gets mad and becomes to aggressive to listen. I know exactly why he thinks what he thinks and does what he does but I personally have no idea how to make him realize. 

This part is different. It acknowledges there may be reasons for these problems. I'm skeptical that you "know exactly why he thinks what he thinks and does what he does". I know you have an idea about it, but quite frankly, if you really knew that, you could fix it. If it was a specific incident that caused mistrust, you could work out how to avoid similar mistakes. If it's something to do with a personality clash, it will be fixed when you move out to college or the military or with friends. 

I think you're taking on the wrong job. Making your father realize anything is less important than working with your parents to tackle this next phase of your life. If you've set up your relationship as a) Dad wants me to do something with my life, and b) I want to write rap music, then you've created a problem where the only solution that wins for everybody is you become an overnight success at 18. My mother would have called that "a tough row to hoe".

Maybe instead, you figure out what other pursuits can help your music. Even rappers benefit from knowledge, so going to college is probably something you and your father both agree on. Musicians, especially song writers, need inspiration from life, from people and situations, so anything productive you can do is going to help your music and probably make Dad happy as well.

Do you get the sense your father is tough on you because he wants you to be a good person, or is he pressuring you to do something you don't want to do because it's what he thinks is best for you? 

[Itoero]

On ‎6‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 4:09 PM, Achilles said:

Believe in something. 

I think this might help.

 

On ‎6‎/‎09‎/‎2018 at 3:25 PM, Novalocity said:

I just have been feeling very unsure about my place in life. I have never been tested for any mental illnesses but believe I might have some. I experience constant negative emotions towards life in general; including my obligations in the military, my music, and school. I would like to see how others validate their life in terms of worth, and ability. 

You should change the focus in your life.

Edited September 10, 2018 by Itoero

[Ten oz]

On 9/6/2018 at 9:25 AM, Novalocity said:

I just have been feeling very unsure about my place in life. I have never been tested for any mental illnesses but believe I might have some. I experience constant negative emotions towards life in general; including my obligations in the military, my music, and school. I would like to see how others validate their life in terms of worth, and ability. 

Depending on your age the constant negative emotions could be hormones. Incorporating some additional activity like hiking, swimming, cycling, or team sports into your daily routine might help. Hobbies I find to be helpful as, depending on the hobby, there can be many small moments of achievement. For me validating ones life is less important than simply living ones life. I was already born. I already exist. I am a human. That is all the validation to live that I need. It is all the validation I think you or anyone else needs in my opinion. 

 

[Phi for All]

1 minute ago, Ten oz said:

For me validating ones life is less important than simply living ones life.

Looking for validation is like thinking you have to have a novel to be taken seriously as a writer. Your stance is like sitting down as often as you can and working through the process of writing. Which is more likely to make you a novelist? 

[Ten oz]

2 hours ago, Novalocity said:

I have a sister who is a year younger and she already gets treated like an adult while making constant bad choices and acting very childish constantly. It's an unfair situation, completely based off of nothing. There is no reason I can see that makes my Father treat us differently. I know a lot of the causes of the problems I just don' t know how to fix the issues. I can't write to my Father about this or speak to him because he just gets mad and becomes to aggressive to listen. I know exactly why he thinks what he thinks and does what he does but I personally have no idea how to make him realize. 

This is familiar to me. I have older sibling who live unfortunate lives (I will spare you the details). I think because of all the addition efforts my parent have had to put into my siblings they form strong bonds with them and as a result continue to be more active and generally interested i their lives. I came to the conclusion very early on that I did not want to be the person I was being raised to be. That I had to find a way to be learn more that what I had be taught. That also meant not sharing myself with my parents or accepting their advice which only contributed to them being more invested in my siblings. The transition into adulthood isn't easy  and everyone has their own journey. Most roads toward independence initially look like failure. Some people have warm home lives and stay in the adolescent state through college into their early to mid 20's while others are on their butts out of the house at 18yrs of age fending for themselves. Which ever the case one still must live their life. 

*You can't change who people, other than yourself, are and it is a fool's errand to try. 

Edited September 10, 2018 by Ten oz

[Novalocity]

My entire life since I can remember I have felt this way. I know I am young but that shouldn't be the excuse for negative emotions daily. My Father refuses to let me live my life so I focus all my energy on the future betterment of it. I understand my siblings situations, but don't understand my situation. I think everybody should be created and treated equally. I have more understanding of others reasoning and choices than I do my own. I have tried many techniques to make changes and nothing does. I appreciate what you are all saying, and obviously you don't know the whole situation so you can't give the proper and specific advise, such as telling me exactly what to do or say to improve the issue. I joined the military for two reasons 1) To be provided with the family and friends that I lack in civilian life and 2) For proper order and specific instruction at all times. I prefer order in my life, and maybe that is part of the issue. I stick to my routine and fear change while also wanting change. This should probably become a psyche evaluation, because my problems in life stem from my own mental disdain. 

[dimreepr]

Everyone has choices but no one can decide for you, people can give you advice, some good some not, but you'll only find out which is which when you choose. It basically comes down to this, smile as often as you can; its the meaning of life.  

 

Edited September 11, 2018 by dimreepr

[Novalocity]

37 minutes ago, dimreepr said:

Everyone has choices but no one can decide for you, people can give you advice, some good some not, but you'll only find out which is which when you choose.

 

The whole point is my choices are not causing changes.

[Phi for All]

47 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

My entire life since I can remember I have felt this way. I know I am young but that shouldn't be the excuse for negative emotions daily. My Father refuses to let me live my life so I focus all my energy on the future betterment of it.

"Negative emotions daily", are you talking about yours, or your father displaying negative emotions towards you? 

For the rest, again it seems like a perspective issue. It's perfectly normal for parents to channel the activities of their children in ways they deem beneficial, and it's perfectly normal for those children to interpret that as "controlling", and a refusal to "let me live my own life". It's great that you're focused on making your future better, that's also very normal (if not as prevalent as it should be).

52 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

I understand my siblings situations, but don't understand my situation. I think everybody should be created and treated equally. I have more understanding of others reasoning and choices than I do my own.

Welcome to Humanity 101. We're very, very good at assessing what's right and wrong about others. We see others and their dealings as patterns, and we can pick out parts that don't fit, or would fit better elsewhere. 

We don't see ourselves in those patterns quite as well, though, probably because we aren't constantly sensing ourselves the way we sense others. We SUCK at fixing ourselves, but that's why we have other people. Friends and family are good resources for feedback on ourselves, and it's important to have folks who can look at our situations and extend their understanding to us, in much the same way you do for others. 

1 hour ago, Novalocity said:

I have tried many techniques to make changes and nothing does. I appreciate what you are all saying, and obviously you don't know the whole situation so you can't give the proper and specific advise, such as telling me exactly what to do or say to improve the issue.

My guess is that you told your dad that you want to be a professional rapper, and that goes against the more reasonable path he thought would give you the most opportunities. But regardless, I would still advise you to explain to your father that you understand the importance of making the right choices at a critical time in your life, and right now you're approaching it with far too much negativity and hostility, and you're worried it will mess up everything. Ask for his help in restructuring the way all of you are behaving, to make it more of the positive thing it should be.

1 hour ago, Novalocity said:

I joined the military for two reasons 1) To be provided with the family and friends that I lack in civilian life and 2) For proper order and specific instruction at all times. I prefer order in my life, and maybe that is part of the issue. I stick to my routine and fear change while also wanting change. 

How did your father feel about your joining, was that a big drama? In any case, I don't see how dad has as much impact anymore. 

Order is good, and you may be feeling the friction between your love of order and the flow of creativity. Our muse rarely watches the clock. If that's the case, to make changes you just have to schedule them. This lets you set up small steps that move you forward. Then they go from changes in routine to full-fledged goals. 

Instead of specific instruction, continue to seek information, especially about yourself from other people. What you're really looking for here is what everyone wants, a best-case scenario. You want what you do to go well and smoothly, so you can take pride in it. Get more input about yourself from those you trust, and you'll be able to give yourself specific instruction. 

1 hour ago, Novalocity said:

This should probably become a psyche evaluation, because my problems in life stem from my own mental disdain. 

Please define "mental disdain".

[dimreepr]

35 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

The whole point is my choices are not causing changes.

So choose something else...

[Novalocity]

3 hours ago, Phi for All said:

 Please define "mental disdain".

 

The feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt. 

[Phi for All]

2 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

The feeling that someone or something is unworthy of one's consideration or respect; contempt. 

You feel this way about others, or about yourself?

[Novalocity]

I have nobody else to turn to and I figured on a website such as this one the individuals involved would be able to understand more clearly the issue, but I guess I had just overestimated the abilities of others. Everything suggested so far has been attempted countless times. See, what my Father does is not the normal parental restriction that I take as some sort of exaggerated super control. It is pure over control over me, it isn't for some better purpose. He does not show any signs of some motive to improve my well being. He is actually specifically just making my life harder. There is no talking with him, I know because I've tried many times. I am aware it is easier to evaluate other's issues that is why I brought it to the online world for advising that I can't provide for myself.

5 minutes ago, Phi for All said:

You feel this way about others, or about yourself?

Myself.

[Phi for All]

17 minutes ago, Novalocity said:

I have nobody else to turn to and I figured on a website such as this one the individuals involved would be able to understand more clearly the issue, but I guess I had just overestimated the abilities of others. Everything suggested so far has been attempted countless times. See, what my Father does is not the normal parental restriction that I take as some sort of exaggerated super control. It is pure over control over me, it isn't for some better purpose. He does not show any signs of some motive to improve my well being. He is actually specifically just making my life harder. There is no talking with him, I know because I've tried many times. I am aware it is easier to evaluate other's issues that is why I brought it to the online world for advising that I can't provide for myself.

There's obviously something else as well, since you belong to the military now, and your father's influence should be drastically diminished. Why not just let the military show you how valuable you are? Someone once told me you come out of boot camp knowing that part of confidence is having others rely on you for their lives. Fellow soldiers and being part of a team is great experience, and should be, as you said, the family experience you've been lacking.

Not everyone has good relationships with one or more of their parents. Not everyone who becomes a parent is likeable. How difficult would it be to simply cut ties now that you're legally on your own, and in the military as well? If your dad makes your life harder, why do you allow him to be part of it? What is keeping his negativity in your life?