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A man walks into an elevator, and the woman standing there says to him, "Can I smell your balls?" He replies to her, "No!?!" so she responds, "Oh, then it must be your feet." The ugliest woman in the world walks into a department store with her two sons, and the teenager behind the customer service counter says to her, "What handsome boys you have. Are they twins?" The woman, completely dumbfounded, says to him, "One of them is 14, the other is 8. Why the hell would you think they're twins?" So, the employee replies, "Well, I just can't imagine anyone would ever fu(k you more than once." These two guys leave campus one night after a week of finals. They head into the pub, get thoroughly loaded, trashed beyond all belief, and finally leave to head home. On the way, during their walk, they see a dog on the street licking it's balls. One guy says, "Man! I wish I could do that!" So, the other guy responds, "Don't you think you should at least pet him first?"

Subject: Monks are copying from copies A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . . . So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R !" "We missed the R !" "We missed the R !" His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... "CELEBRATE !!!" . . .

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up... When asked how he was feeling, the 86-year-old replied, “Things are just great and I've never felt better.' I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. 'So what do you think about that Doc?” The Doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. 'I have an elderly friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.' One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.' 'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'Bang Bang'.' 'Incredibly, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the Doctor. The 86-year-old thought for a minute and said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.' The Doctor replied, 'My point exactly.'

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. She's such a bitch.

I agree. Let's do this instead: A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch, the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"

What's not funny is how many people think that attacking Al Gore discounts the data available regarding global warming.

LOL... I almost shared that last week after I saw it on This Week.

Investigators at a major research institute have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium (Ad). The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons, for an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it came into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, viceneutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. In fact, an Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass".

What an interesting question. Why don't we call it gamma shift? Probably has something to do with blue being a more prominent color in the visual area of the electromagnetic question, but I'm really not sure. Probably has everything to do with the first person who published a paper about the "increase in frequency" resulting from motion relative to an observer, and what they thought. I'm just not sure, though.

I suppose the easy answer is that our current infrastructure is built around petroleum, and those who make the rules also make lots of money off of dino fuels. Hydrogen is the most abundant element in the entire universe. If I understand correctly, it's what powers our sun. Just because we don't use it currently for all of our power needs does not mean that we won't use it more frequently in the future. It's hard to make an economy efficient, and it's hard to change infrastructure, and it's even harder to convince those that have the power to vote... the power to initiate these changes... to do so in the best interest of the people, instead of the best interests of their own wallets... but, it's not impossible, and more and more people care each day. That gives me hope. Take me to your leader.

Does anyone remember what a fu(king joke is? Jesus, man. When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it! So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon. A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon." I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

A grade school teacher in upstate New York asked her class how many of them are Hillary fans. Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy. The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan." The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!" The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

A football coach walked into the locker room before a big game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we really need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play." The player agreed, so the coach looked into his eyes intently and asked, - "Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this: What is two plus two?" The player thought for a moment and then answered, "4?" "Did you say 4?" the coach exclaimed, excited that he had given the right answer. Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance!"

Sounds like it's time to see a neurologist, and most likely a complete CAT scan and/or MRI. http://cancer.stanford.edu/braincancer/brain/

Your point?

Actually, by his own admission just this last week on 60 Minutes, he was NOT top of his class, but just an adequate and "middle of the road" student at Yale. He was an honors student while at Holy Cross Catholic high school, and he did well during his time in the seminary. Either way, you seem to have some serious blinders on regarding what is and is not being said in these fora. Perhaps instead of focussing on your disappointment you could instead focus on areas where bridges and compromise might be built. Just the facts, ma'am.

Yes. This is a very good point, and an important discussion to be had. However, I think Pangloss is asking about conservatism, or the tendency to be conservative, which is a different concept really when discussed in political terms. However, I can appreciate how you could be a bit confused since the definition given for conservatism was: I was confused also.

Define "conservatism."

Right, and everyone fits very neatly into little boxes. While you can speak IN trends, you speak WITH individuals.

A seagull in Scotland has developed the habit of stealing chips from a neighborhood shop. The seagull waits until the shopkeeper isn't looking, and then walks into the store and grabs a snack-size bag of cheese Doritos. Once outside, the bag gets ripped open and shared by other birds. The seagull's shoplifting started early this month when he first swooped into the store in Aberdeen, Scotland, and helped himself to a bag of chips. Since then, he's become a regular. He always takes the same type of chips. Customers have begun paying for the seagull's stolen bags of chips because they think it's so funny. Seriously... click the YouTube link below. You have to see this. ...News story on same: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/6907994.stm

An atom walks into a bar. Says to the bartender "I've lost an electron." Bartender says, "How do you know?" Are you sure?" Atom says, "I'm positive." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Tech Support Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help! Thanks, A Troubled User. (KEEP READING) ____________ _________ _________ ________ REPLY: Dear Troubled User: This is a very common problem that men complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony -Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\ APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0! WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 .. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ...and for the ladies: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- Particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate _________ ________ REPLY: Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, While Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.HTML" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 a and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance . We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad. .she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son John PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card (it's in my center desk drawer). I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The koala said, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was "dry" and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!" So the koala looked down at him and said, "Dooooooood"..... How much water did you drink?!!"