Phi for All

"How did you break your leg?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he wrapped the cast. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. "I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not" I replied ... "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"

A man goes to a doctor for his annual check-up. After performing some tests, the doctor comes into the examining room with a serious look on his face. The man immediately senses something is wrong. MAN: What the matter, Doc? DOCTOR: Well... I'm afraid you don't have long to live. MAN: I don't believe this. How long do I have? DOCTOR: Uh... 10. MAN: Ten what? Years? Months? DOCTOR: 9...8...7....

A guy had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to kill himself, but he decided to go to a specialist first. The doctor said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to fix it is to remove your testicles." The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed. On his way home he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE" He walks in and the tailor greets him and says, "Hello sir, I see you want a suit. I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant." "Wow! How did you know that?" asked the man. "Sir, I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?" "Sure" says the man. The tailor says, "I'd say that you're a size 10 wide." "Wow, what a great talent!" says the man. "Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?" "Ok, see if you can guess my size", said the man. "Easy, 36" said the shopkeeper. "Nope, 30" replied the man. The tailor says, "Impossible, a size 30 would squish your testicles against your spine and you'd get a headache".

An elderly man and his wife are rocking on their front porch. The man says to her, "Mabel, I have to confess something to you. I cheated on you three times in the forrty-nine years we've been married." Mabel looks over at him and says, "I know", then stands up, goes inside and comes out with a shoebox. She tells him, "After your first affair, I started having affairs myself." She opens the box and inside are a couple of dozen kernels of corn and over fifteen thousand dollars in cash. He asks, "What's this?" Mabel says, "Every time I had an affair, I put a kernel of corn in this box." His eyes widen as he counts them, then he asks, "Where did you get the cash?" Mabel says, "Every time I got up to a bushel, I'd sell it!"

Bush is sleepless one night when the ghost of George Washington appears before him. Bush says, "George, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" Washington tells him, "Be honest and set a good example like I did." Then he vanishes. Bush thinks, yeah right, like that's ever going to happen. Suddenly the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears before him. Bush asks him, "Tom, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" Jefferson tells him, "Put the general welfare of the people ahead of the greed of big business." Then he vanishes. Bush snickers to himself but suddenly the ghost of Abraham Lincoln appears before him. Bush asks, "Abe, what's the best thing I can do to help the country?" Lincoln replies, "Go to the theater."

Okay, we need more funny: There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie. With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole! The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon their faces when a man walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't be my goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."

Two cannibals are having lunch. One says, "Boy, your wife sure makes good soup!" The other one says, "Yeah, but I'm going to miss her."

One of my favorites, but it's long: Three men were standing in line to get into heaven. St. Peter motions the first one to come forward and tell how he died. The man replies, "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. I live on the 10th floor so I snuck up the stairs and tried to sneak into our apartment but I used the wrong key the first time. I finally burst into the apartment and ran to the bedroom. My wife was naked in bed but I searched everywhere and couldn't find anyone. Then I looked out the kitchen balcony and saw a guy running down the fire escape. I was so angry the only thing I could think to do was roll the refrigerator to the balcony and heave it over. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "I see. Well, you may enter," said St. Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and St. Peter asks for his story. "You see, I live on the 5th floor of my apartment building, and I was late for work this morning so I decided to take the fire escape. Just as I reached the ground, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and kills me, and now I'm here." St. Peter says, "Hmmm, interesting. You may enter." St. Peter asks the third man to come forward and tell his story. "Well, sir, it's like this: I'm hiding in this refrigerator, minding my own business..."

A great joke is like a great skirt: short enough to maintain attention, and long enough to cover the subject.

Naw, the funniest joke ever is this one (please forgive the stereotyping, all my Jewish friends out there):A man walks into a synogogue one Saturday and kneels to pray. "God, it's me, Abraham Moscowicz. I've never asked you for anything before, but things are pretty grim for me right now. Please let me win the lottery." Next week he's back, praying, "God, it's Abe again. I didn't win. Please, please, please, just this once, let me win the lottery!" Next week he's back again, "God, I'm begging you, I don't ask for much, I'm on my knees, I really need to win the lottery PLEASE!" The following week, after an even more hysterical prayer, the synogogue is filled with a bright light, and a booming voice from above says, "Abellah, you've got to meet me half way on this thing. BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!!!"

Patient: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my a**!" Doctor: "Really? I've got some cream for that." Great one-liner: "I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the people riding with him."

Best hunting joke: Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Okay, one more, then I gotta get to work. Great modern religious joke: A man is being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy street. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the decent thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by speeding through the intersection. The tailgating woman goes mental, blaring the horn, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection with him. As she is still screaming at him, she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the face of a police officer. The officer orders her to get out of the car with her hands up. He takes her to the police station where she is searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer is waiting with her personal effects. He says, "I'm very sorry for the mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and swearing a blue streak. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

A couple of quickies I heard recently: The real reason the Bush administration is so upset about the Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal is they fear people will realize they were caught lying about sex. Surgeons say politicians are the easiest people in the world to operate on. They have no guts, no heart and no spine, and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.

A homeless man knocks on the door of a big mansion. When the lady of the house answers he explains that he'd like a handout so he can buy some food. The lady says, "I didn't get to be rich by handing out money to vagrants. If you want money from me, you'll have to work for it!" The man says he doesn't mind working to earn the money and asks what she wants him to do. "Paint the porch around back and I'll give you $20. You'll find the paint & equipment in the shed. And," the lady adds, "you'd better do a good job or you'll get nothing!" An hour later the man knocks on the front door again. When the lady answers he tells her he's through and asks for his money. The lady exclaims, "It's a huge porch! It should have taken you all day! You couldn't possibly have done a good job. I'm not paying you a penny! Now get out of here before I call the police!" The man says, "I did do a good job! I was very careful. And for your information, it's not a porch, it's a Mercedes!"

Sorry, it didn't have a cat in it. (See post #32)

Maybe this will help:A guy goes skydiving for the first time. After he jumps out of the plane, he counts to ten, pulls the ripcord, and nothing happens. Only a little worried, he pulls the cord for the auxiliary parachute, but unfortunately, the chute still does not appear. As he is plummeting toward the Earth, he sees a woman coming up the other way. He shouts to her "Do you know anything about parachutes?" "No", she says, "do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Favorite heaven joke: A rich man who was near death was very sad because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase St. Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting you through." St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect what the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

A brick. Nice set up, Lance.

Favorite Bush joke: Cheney here's a big, "YEEEEE-HAH!" come from the Oval Office. He rushes in and Bush tells him, "Boss, I just finished this jigsaw puzzle in record time!" Cheney sighs and says, "That's great junior. How long did it take you?" Bush replies, "Two weeks!" Cheney asks, "What's the average time?" Bush says, "Well, the box says 2-4 YEARS!"

My favorite computer joke: Three engineers are carpooling to work when the car breaks down. The mechanical engineer says, "I think the engine's shot." The electrical engineer says, "I think the problem is in the wiring." The computer engineer says, "Can't we just get out of the car and get back in again?"