swansont

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit." --- What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

Sayonara's post about mating for large willie size reminded me of this Somewhere, sometime, there was a man who decides that it's time to marry, but wants his bride to be pure and unspoiled by the world. So, much like Diogenes and his search for an honest man, he went on an epic quest for a pure woman. As a test, he would drop his shorts and ask, "What's this?" Invariably, the response would be, "That's your willie!" at which point he would move on to the next candidate. One day, though, the answer was, "I don't know." He knew this was the woman he should marry, and did so. On their wedding night, he asked again, "What's this?" And the response again was, "I don't know." At which point he informed his new bride, "This my dear, is a willie." Whereupon she burst out laughing. "Be serious! Willies are black and about three times bigger!" or, alternately: Q: What's white and 12 inches long? A: Nothing

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen What do you call a Japanese girl with one leg shorter than the other? Irene What do you call a quadraplegic in a pool? Bob What do you call a leper in a hot tub? Stu What do you call a water skier with no legs? Skip What do you call a dog with no legs? You could call him 'cigarette' and take him out for a drag now and then, but it really doesn't matter - he won't come when you call, anyway.

A miner wanders into the old west town after spending a year in wilderness pulling gold out of his mine. After cashing in his year's work, he heads to the nearest saloon and orders a bottle of whiskey. After several drinks he motions the bartender over to him. "Hey bartender, you got any women here?" he says. "Nope" says the bartender. "All we got is Ol' Charley out back" "I don't go for that," says the miner and storms out of the bar in a huff. A year passes by and the miner comes back into town, cashes in his gold, and heads back to the same saloon and orders a bottle of whiskey. As he drinks it he says to the bartender "Hey, did you ever get any women in here" "Nope" says the bartender, "but we've still got Ol' Charley out back" "I don't go for that," says the miner and storms out of the bar. Another year passes. "Hey, you got any women in here yet?" "Nope" says the bartender, "but we've still got Ol' Charley out back" "I don’t go for that," says the miner and starts to leave but stops in his tracks and turns back to the bartender. Pondering his three year lack of intimacy, the miner says "Now, if I went out back with Ol' Charley, who's going to know about it?" The bartender scratches his head and thinks for a moment. "Well there'd be you, me, Ol' Charley of course, and them two other fellers." "What two other fellers?" asks the miner. The bartender replies "The two fellers holding down Ol' Charley. He don't go for that neither"

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children.". The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think.

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who told racy stories during class, a group of coeds decided that the next time he started to tell one they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time: then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France . . ." The girls looked at one another, arose, and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor, "the next plane doesn't leave until tomorrow afternoon."

A penguin takes his sputtering car to a mechanic to be fixed. The mechanic says "it could take a while to service your car, come back in about 3 hours." So the penguin waddles over to the ice cream parlor across the street and gorges on ice cream for 3 hours straight. The penguin waddles back to the garage and the mechanic says "it looks like you blew a seal." So the penguin says "no, it's just ice cream."

He's doing well as a sit-down comedian for the moment.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he asks. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! "The Twist!!" It's called "The Twist!!!"'

What's the best form of birth control after 50? -Nudity How many women does it take to change a light bulb? -None, they just sit there in the dark and b!tch. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? -Because those men already have boyfriends. What do you call a smart blonde? -A golden retriever. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs? -The blonde, because she's 18. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? -Ask your mom. Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? -Because they have cotton balls. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? -Her navel. What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? -A porcupine has the pricks on the outside. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? -"Are you sure it's mine?" <deleted> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? -They're hiring. Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? -He walks around saying "Yo." <deleted> What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo? -A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, along with a recipe.

Points to Ponder If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Why is it that when we bounce a check, the bank charges us more of what they already know we don't have any of? When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple? Why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up a project, I end it? Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack? Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? "I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do." is the longest sentence? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and drycleaners depressed? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you take an Oriental man and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

DARK IN HERE A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy -"$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that $%*& again".

I do have a basic idea of 'jokes that will get me slapped' or 'jokes that will eliminate the chance of another date.' It's not foolproof. Women claim to like guys with a sense of humor, but they are, shall we say, 'highly nonlinear.'

Well, yes. But posting a joke isn't necessarily an endorsement of that point of view.

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with a question that had been puzzling him for most of the day "Mom" he asks "why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, the color is symbolic of the bride's purity of spirit and devotion." The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father. "Dad why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

A young bloke has started work on at a large ranch, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, come evening hasn't returned. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right. "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark." "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .38 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home." "Okay, boss." Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck." "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

Two guys, standing at night on a bridge after having had a few pints, both decide to relieve themselves over the side. The first, in an attempt to impress, says, "Water sure is cold." The second replies, "Yeah. Deep, too."

This summary says it was a five-point scale: 'People logging onto the LaughLab Web site were invited to rate jokes using a "Giggleometer" which had a five-point scale ranging from "not very funny" to "very funny".' I also think it's interesting that they claim: "Bizarrely, computer analysis of the data also showed that jokes containing 103 words were thought to be especially funny. The winning "hunters" joke was 102 words long. (An abbreviated version was told in this story.) Many jokes submitted contained references to animals. Jokes mentioning ducks were considered particularly funny." So wouldn't it stand to reason that if they added the word "duck" (i.e. 'two duck hunters are out in the woods...') that the joke would be much, much funnier?

Actually, the "make sure he's dead joke" was tested. "Funniest joke ever" isn't the interpretation I'd give - it was a joke that was most widely recognized as being funny, not the joke that got the biggest guffaw.

A very wealthy man is on his death bed. He calls for his doctor, priest, and lawyer. When the three of them arrive, he says to them: "I know they say you can't take it with you, but I want to try. There are three bags over there. Each has $100,000 in it. I want each of you to take a bag, and at my funeral, throw the bag in my coffin just before they close it." The next day, the man dies. At the funeral, just before the coffin is closed, the three men each drop their bag in the coffin. After the funeral, the three are talking. The priest says, "I feel so terrible, I have to confess: We are building a new church, and the building fund was $10,000 short, so I took that much out of my bag before placing it in the coffin." The doctor says, "I feel bad, too. My hospital is building a new wing, and we are also short on funds. I took $15,000 from my bag to help complete the new wing." The lawyer smugly says, "I can't believe you two! I enclosed a check for the full amount!"

There are two types of people: those who categorize people into two types, and those who don't.

A bar walks into a man... ooops! Wrong reference frame. How about science cartoons? Non-science ones

I'm Tom, and I'm a geek. I get to play with really expensive toys that someone else pays for, i.e. I'm an experimental physicist.