The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Moontanman]

Edited November 5, 2013 by Moontanman

[Tridimity]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03h8wgr/QI_XL_Series_K_Kinetic/

 

"What would happen if the world stopped spinning?"

 

"Oh, there'd be numerous consequences" (bluffs)...

 

"Go on then, name a consequence"

 

"Well, half of the world would be plunged into eternal darkness..."

 

"That's a very good point"

 

"And they would all leave and come and join the light side - or would some of them go to the dark side... What about the animals, all of the ones that like the dark, they'd have to get to the dark side, all the moths would have to go that way [signals], the butterfiles would have to go that way [signals opposite direction with hand gesture]. The moles would be really confused... What about on Daybreak, when they start broadcasting? How do they know when to start daybreak? You could only grow food on half of the world, the rest of the people would have to come to the light side for food. Or they would only be able to have fungi."

 

Love QI <3

[AtomicMaster]

Scientists have finally uncovered the secret of the centaur: what you need is a man and a very curious horse....

[Greg H.]

Scientists have finally uncovered the secret of the centaur: what you need is a man and a very curious horse....

And a friend who can keep a secret.

[AtomicMaster]

A Chinese olympic diver was pushed off of a sky-scraper in Beijing yesterday, but he didn't panic, straightened up and entered the ground without a splash.

A monk that got tangled up in bell clapper lines, opened for the minimal techno festival on long island...

[Moontanman]

FINALLY! Live dinosaur found in New Zealand, currently in the hands of the local zoological park! this is quite a find!

 

[Tridimity]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03h8wst/QI_Series_K_Keeps/

 

@13:45 What should you do if faced with a snake - run or keep still? 'It actually just forgets you're there if you keep still' 'I get that a lot...'

 

@16:00 On trying to train a chimpanzee. 'Their intelligence is of a different order and it's kind of smart, but stupid. [Jane Goodall] had these chimpanzees, and when one [defecated] on the floor, of this little wooden bungalow that she had in Africa, what she would do, she would make it confront its own [faeces], spank it on the bottom and throw it out of the window, and' [interjection: 'It's ground floor, isn't it?'] 'It's ground floor, yes. And so she did that twice, and the third time, she saw one [defecate], slap its own bottom, and jump out of the window'

 

@22:00 On nudist art: 'In 1998, a man took Northampton College to industrial tribunal, claiming that he was not being employed on the basis of his gender, and that it was sexual discrimination, in fact they were able to demonstrate that it was personal, and the reason was he fidgeted, went to the loo too often, had a background in erotic films which troubled the A-Level students, particularly one 16 year old at whom he winked when she was drawing' 'What did he wink with?'

Edited November 9, 2013 by Tridimity

[Tridimity]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6HD4HChwG3Q

 

Paul Merton <3

[Moontanman]

This is just too damn good to be true, can we sat POTUS in Klingon?

 

http://freakoutnation.com/2013/11/10/this-actually-happened-new-york-elected-klingon-general-martok-into-office-this-week-because-why-not/

[Iota]

.

[petrushka.googol]

What was the wedding vow of two android R2D2 units from Star Wars?

 

Answer. V2R1 (We two are one).

[Moontanman]

Edited January 9, 2014 by Moontanman

[Moontanman]

It's it obvious? It's a decelerating alien interstellar space craft, I deserve to be granted moderator status for this BTW....

 

 

http://www.spacedaily.com/reports/Freakish_asteroid_discovered_resembles_rotating_lawn_sprinkler_999.html

[AtomicMaster]

Young son of a prison guard wakes up every morning when his dad runs a baton across the posts of his little crib.

Edited November 15, 2013 by AtomicMaster

[Moontanman]

[BusaDave9]

I love Dilbert. Here's another good one

[Moontanman]

[Moontanman]

Never argue with an idiot...

 

http://vitaminl.tv/video/885

[AtomicMaster]

A prostitute that fell asleep on the back seat of a semi split the victory podium of Paris Dakar...

[BusaDave9]

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchase home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket.. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"
The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[imatfaal]

http://vitaminl.tv/video/411?ref=rcm

 

I just liked this video a lot.

[Moontanman]

http://vitaminl.tv/video/411?ref=rcm

 

I just liked this video a lot.

 

 

That is so cool...

[imatfaal]

 

 

That is so cool...

 

Not just a great video - but I think it asks a lot of questions about the nature of animal intelligence. There is foresight, imagination, planning etc - the complex process of forming a mental picture containing the outcome of future actions. And I was really worried at the end that she was gonna lose her ball when it floated clear!

[Moontanman]

 

Not just a great video - but I think it asks a lot of questions about the nature of animal intelligence. There is foresight, imagination, planning etc - the complex process of forming a mental picture containing the outcome of future actions. And I was really worried at the end that she was gonna lose her ball when it floated clear!

 

 

I've been raising bassets for many years. I have three now and for dogs with the reputation of being stupid the things they do on their own is often amazing. I had one who would lure squirrels but putting dry dog food out as bait and pretend to be asleep beside a small pile of dog food and suddenly come alive and grab a squirrel and eat it, he caught a lot of squirrels like that, another saw me carrying fire wood up on my deck and the next morning an entire cord of fire wood was not so neat piled in front of my door... I couldn't get the door open, another one came and got me out of the shower when the water heater caught fire.. I love dogs, I think they may have had an effect on human evolution almost as strong as our effect on them...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a. Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a
Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African
walk into a bar.

"I'm sorry," says the barkeep', after scrutinizing the group, "You can't come in here without a Thai!

One more for today....

 

[Tridimity]

 

Not a joke, not funny one bit. Just the truth - I couldn't find a suitable alternative thread.