The Official JOKES SECTION :)

[Norman Albers]

From Ye Olde News: "The biochemist was convicted and sentenced to his own cell".

[Norman Albers]

Gerber's baby foods were selling poorly in some African region, until some bright person realized that their jar lables uaually show what is inside.Someone here used to say, "I like people, especially the little ones.".

[Norman Albers]

These Schroedinger rabbits are a tough act - some of 'em come out of the hat dead.

[wilgory]

Long time, No JOKE.

Here is one of my favorites.

 

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just one, but the lightbulb has to "want" to change.

[Norman Albers]

I told my friend Wendell Wilson to practice the electron zitterbewegung in front of the mirror, by jostling back and forth and sort of popping up here and there, and to be prepared when his wife calls the whitecoats.

[YT2095]

I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

 

 

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

 

The old man kept staring at him.

 

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

 

The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[Norman Albers]

Here is a fun game: In-house invectives. My favorites are "KISS MY MANTISSA", where you get to hiss in a satisfying way; and "YOUR I/O RATE EXCEEDS YOUR CPU PROCESS" , and "MAY THEY DWELL ASYMPTOTICALLY IN TIME IN A THERMALLY HIGH-ENERGY PLACE!"

[Norman Albers]

Picture this:

 

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

 

True story.... Have a great day and remember...

 

 

 

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR

[Callipygous]

my grandfather frequently sends me emails, most of which are highly inappropriate, but this one isn't and i felt compelled to share it:

 

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin & the other called Christian.

 

The prawns were constantly being harassed & threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian,"I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

 

A large mysterious cod appeared & said, "Your wish is granted" & lo & behold, Justin turned into a shark.

 

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

 

Time passed (as it invariably does) & Justin found life as a shark boring & lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

 

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again & he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

 

He approached the cod & begged to be changed back, & lo & behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends & bought them all a cocktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

 

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark" came the reply.

 

Eager to put things right again & end the mutual pain & torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door & shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out & see me again."

 

Christian replied,"No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, & I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

 

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.......

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian"

[Norman Albers]

Cast your bread upon the waters, and get soggy bread. A great bumper sticker in town: Born OK the first time, thanks.

[Norman Albers]

The sanitation runs under the cornerstone in my civilisation.

Is there a monument to Thomas Crapper?

[wilgory]

A statement by a schizophrenic psychology student: I think, therefore we are.

 

Sorry this is so lame. It's an original (I think).

[carol]

frog: what does my future hold?

psychic: you'll meet a girl who would want to know everything about you.

frog: that's great! will I meet her in a party?

psychic: no...

 

 

 

 

in biology class.

[Guest Quarsar]

There Was a very sick man, who was a good friend of the vicar's. The Vicar went to see him every day. One Day, he came in and knelt down by the side of the bed. As soon as he did this, the sick man motioned for a pen and paper. So the vicar gave him it. he Scrawled something down, and then dropped dead. At his funeral, the vicar said: "I have his last thoughts written on this piece of paper. They were: 'Please stand up, you're kneeling on my oxygen pipe!'"

[timo]

What had Louis XIV said had he been the leader of a basque seperatist organization rather than the king of france?

 

"L´ETA, c´est moi !".

[Norman Albers]

Homosexuals have been demonstrating by the thousands lately in Paris. I say we must all now come OUT OF THE INHOMOGENEOUS CLOSET!!! All colors are welcome in the REV. NORM'S UNIFICATION CHURCH.

[insane_alien]

norman, do we have to petition for you to stop post these abominations you call jokes again?

 

on a side note, a blind man walked into a bar. he's expected to make a full recovery.

[Royston]

on a side note, a blind man walked into a bar. he's expected to make a full recovery.

 

oh dear

 

So Insane Alien, Norman Alber and Death are about to walk into a bar,

 

Norm say's 'why are you here Death?'

 

Death replies 'well you see that 50ft ball of tumbleweed coming this way...'

[Norman Albers]

INHOUSE INVECTIVES: So-and-so has the levity of a uranium hexafluoride blimp.

[Norman Albers]

PHI FOR ALL must have thought nobody would see, but a couple of nights ago he strode absolutely naked across the approach to the physics building and in to his office. He was obviously in a state of excitement and proceeded to work for an hour and a half at his desk. I recall a cute scene in the movie "The Piano Player" where the brown man is practicing naked. Now personnaly I am one of the more tolerant beings around when it comes to such things, but dude, you are going to have to face the policy kept firmly by authorities around here of NO NUDE PHYSICS!

[Phi for All]

Is everybody looking for some funny? Welcome to the club! It's become a little tradition here at SFN to roast new Moderators with some good old-fashioned slander. Tonight's vict-, I mean guest, is Dak, that wunderfolly brillyunt Brit with a really twisted point of view. Dak isn’t really a bad speller, it’s just tough to type with a pencil in your teeth. He can’t use his hands because someone’s tied the arms of his jacket behind his back. He mostly sits around watching British children’s shows and thinking up ways to make interesting sounds with beer and a straw. When the foam starts coming out of his nose he boots up his computer, a Commodore PET 2001 Plus with an 800x600 monitor he rigged up from an old aquarium, parks his lo-rez arse on a padded cinder block and starts heckling the rest of us here at SFN. Dak truly puts the “e” in eccentricity, usually more times than is proper. For that and his promise to sign over his trust fund to blike, we have honored him with this promotion to the SFN Staff. Dak is truly an inspiration to everyone who thinks, “If *he* can make it, it’s way beneath me!”

[Dak]

Dak truly puts the “e” in eccentricity, usually more times than is proper.

 

lmao

 

I also wouldn't have used any 'c's.

 

do eco!

[YT2095]

a man turns to his friend and says, "Hey, you are a Jew aren't you?"

 

response, "well, jew-ish!"

[Norman Albers]

I stuttered fairly badly in the first decades of my life, so I cracked up at this, my first stuttering joke, from columnist Calvin Trillin: A Jewish boy goes seeking a job at the local radio station. Returning home dejected, he is asked by his father, "Why do you think you did not get the job, son?" Answers the boy, "A-A-Anti S-S-S-Semmmmatism. "

[Pangloss]

Overheard on a political talk show this morning:

 

George Will: "We're in the mess, in a way, because Justice Blackmun, when he wrote the opinion in Roe vs. Wade, discovered something constitutionally and morally profound in the fact that the number of months in the gestation of the human infant is nine, and that's divisible by three. So we wound up with "first trimester," "second trimester," and "third trimester," with different rights of the state and the individual. Let me ask you a question: What would our constitutional law look like if the number of months in the gestation of a human infant were a prime number?"

 

Sam Donaldson: "What's a prime number?"