herme3 Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I just wrote a story. You can read it at http://www.destinypoems.com/cold.html I think it's the best story I've ever written. Please let me know what you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bettina Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I didn't finish it, but from what I read I thought it was very nice and I will finish reading it later. A problem I see though, is that it doesn't flow well. You use too many periods resulting in choppy sentences and way too many "Jasons" and "Rebeccas". You can fix this easily by joining some together and use some commas to make compound and complex sentences. Bettina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
-Demosthenes- Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I didn't finish it' date=' but from what I read I thought it was very nice and I will finish reading it later. A problem I see though, is that it doesn't flow well. You use too many periods resulting in choppy sentences and way too many "Jasons" and "Rebeccas". You can fix this easily by joining some together and use some commas to make compound and complex sentences. Bettina[/quote'] Don't get rid of all the simple sentences though, they are extremely useful and add the the varity. They are just as important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ecoli Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 yuk... romance story. Very well written, though. I'm just not a fan of the genre. sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 yuk... romance story.Romance? Pure fantasy! This never happened to me before! I hope you don't mind, but I took some notes: It certainly wasn’t anything that Jason had never seen before. Double negative, tripped me up and drew me out of the story. Fix this. “Rebecca... Such a beautiful and innocent name”, thought Jason. You should use italics or some other device other than quotes and "thought Jason" to denote thinking (or if you like the quotes, make it Jason thought, "Rebecca...). As I was reading I thought he was saying this out loud to Rebecca. And I'm with Bettina, you use their names too often. Pronouns are your friend. It was funny, as I was reading I was joking to myself, thinking, "This needs a car chase!". Then he runs her car off the road into a tree. Niiiice. I liked it. When you first mentioned that her car was a new Eclipse I thought, "That's unnecessary". Now I know why you told me about her car. Tell me more about her brand new car and then play up the fact that he just wrecked it, it makes me care more and it makes it more believable when she goes ballistic. After that last day of school, they got on an airplane and went to the mountain resort in Canada. This sounds a little stilted, like you edited yourself a couple of times because you thought it sounded funny to say, "They flew to the resort." It sounds even weirder to say, "they got on an airplane and went..." They didn’t know what to do now. They were completely lost, and they had no idea where the resort was. They walked around for a while, but they noticed that the Sun was going down. The first two sentences here are great, they convey emotion, they tell me these guys are starting to panic. The third sentence is too tame, it doesn't go with the other two. Walked around for a while? Too vague, too boring. And the sun going down while lost in the snow is a really big deal. Needs more emotion. For the end, in the cave before they go to sleep, I think we need to hear more dialogue. It's a pretty sugary story, full of undying love and two hearts beating as one and all that, so don't be afraid to go with it a bit farther. We should hear how Rebecca found out why her old boyfriend dumped her. We should hear Jason tell her why she was the first girl he ever dated. At that moment, she took her last breath and died in Jason’s arms. Not sure you need to be this blunt about it. You already told us they woke up feeling no pain, no cold. Hypothermia, we get it. Dying in his arms, at least saying it that way, is pretty cliché. I like that you're bold enough to kill them off in the end, but I think you can allude to it and we'll all understand. It makes it more poignant without the actual words. Great job, all in all. Proud of you that you took a chance, wrote it down and decided to share it with us. Hope you don't mind my redlining (part of what I do for a living) and I hope you'll understand this is just my take on the story. Only you should write it, but I thought you'd liike to know about the places where I stumbled reading it. Bravo! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
herme3 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 Thank you for all of your suggestions. This probably won't be the final version, so I'll try to make it sound a little better. I already corrected the double negative that Phi for All mentioned. I actually meant for it to be a double negative. By saying, "It certainly wasn’t anything that Jason had never seen before", I meant that it was something that Jason had seen many times. However, I can see how it can be a little confusing when you read it. I fixed that, and I'll probably make some more grammar changes. I definitely want to change the ending. That is the one part of the story that I'm not really happy with. I was in a hurry because it was 1:00 am and I had to get up at 6:00 am to go to school. I'll be writing a longer ending soon. Thanks again for your suggestions! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dak Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 It certainly wasn’t anything that Jason had never seen before. Double negative, tripped me up and drew me out of the story. Fix this. Hmm, i dunno... un-double-negitivifying it would give "it was something that jason had seen before", which is a bit flat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Hmm, i dunno... un-double-negitivifying it would give "it was something that jason had seen before", which is a bit flat.Maybe all it needs is the pronoun fix: "It certainly wasn't anything he'd never seen before." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
insane_alien Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I like Phi's suggestion. I can't read the whole story, its just not my cup of tea. now if it had a nuclear war or two with an asteroid impact and robots killing robots... then i might give it another shot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callipygous Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 I like Phi's suggestion. I can't read the whole story, its just not my cup of tea. now if it had a nuclear war or two with an asteroid impact and robots killing robots... then i might give it another shot. nood boobs too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 now if it had a nuclear war or two with an asteroid impact and robots killing robots... then i might give it another shot. nood boobs too.The day was meant for surfing, the frothy waves greeting Jason and Rebecca as they crested the dune and found themselves on a deserted stretch of pristine beach. After helping Rebecca lay out their blanket, Jason announced his intentions to test the water and pulled his shirt off over his rippling muscles. Glancing shyly back over his shoulder as he hefted his board, he watched as Rebecca knelt on the blanket and unselfconsciously removed the top of her suit and began rubbing sunscreen over her magnificent upper body. Blushing furiously, Jason turned back to the ocean, shifting his surfboard down to cover himself, and hobbled down to the water's edge. He was saved from further embarassment as two gleaming, futuristic robots screamed out of the morning sky, blasting at each other with particle weapons as one fought to aim his warhead-tipped rocket at a suddenly visible and threatening asteroid while the other robot fought to stop him. Finally, the rocket launched, streaking up to impact with the asteroid. Jason had just enough time to think, "More sunblock, Rebecca!" as a bright white nuclear light enveloped the beach. Naaaaah! It just doesn't fit. This is a chaste story about true love transcending death. No room for robots and nood boobs. Keep doing what you're doing herme3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
insane_alien Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 lol! awesome story phi. i still think its cool that herme3's writing a story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Callipygous Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 whyd you stop, phi? but seriously... as others have already said, well written, but not my style. if its what you were going for, nice work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
herme3 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 I like Phi's suggestion. I can't read the whole story, its just not my cup of tea. now if it had a nuclear war or two with an asteroid impact and robots killing robots... then i might give it another shot. Yeah... That just won't work. I will rewrite the last few paragraphs of the story, and make it slightly more interesting. I did have a version where a giant bear was chasing them around, but that just didn't go with the rest of the story. I think I can turn the last few paragraphs into several pages and make it seem more like an adventure story. That was my original plan, but I just got into a hurry near the end. i still think its cool that herme3's writing a story. I've actually written several stories. Some of my first stories were filled with a lot of action and adventure. I wrote a story two years ago about some teenagers who get lost on an island. There's a bunch of zombies and monsters there. It was a really good story, and it was based on a dream I had. In the dream, I kept running and trying to get off the island, but I kept running past the same places over and over again. The same thing happened to the characters in my story, but I made the story even scarier and very bloody. Everyone died in the story. I deleted the story because most people thought it was really gross. Especially the people at my school who I based the characters on. The characters in that story were my best friend, and some of her best friends. I used their real names in the story. I gave a copy of the story to my best friend, and then I asked her what she thought about it. She said, "Well... I liked it. Except I didn't really like all the killing and dying." I think she was trying to be nice because the story wasn't about anything except killing and dying. After that, she told me that I should try writing some love stories. Over the past few years, I wrote several love stories, but they weren't as happy as the new story I just wrote. Most of my other love stories were more about heartbreak, and usually either the girl or the guy committed suicide at the end. I still have those stories, and I'll upload them to my web site when I get home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 Most of my other love stories were more about heartbreak, and usually either the girl or the guy committed suicide at the end. I still have those stories, and I'll upload them to my web site when I get home.What real drama factor is there for someone who ends their suffering with suicide? Tension is lost when the solution is so easy. All the character setup in the world can't make us care about their death if they kill themselves over heartbreak. I'm not particularly interested in reading about someone who loves, has their heart broken and then kills themselves. You may think it's dramatic but it's not. I suppose if they slit their wrists and as they became too weak to move the phone rings it might spark my interest, but overall it's just not good drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dak Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 thus classifying one of shakespears most popular dramas as 'just not good' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phi for All Posted May 9, 2006 Share Posted May 9, 2006 thus classifying one of shakespears most popular dramas as 'just not good' Ah, but Romeo and Juliet didn't so much have their hearts broken as they were denied their love by outside forces. And I think their tale has a bit more flesh hanging off it than anything herme3 is likely to show us in his early writings (no offense, herme3; you've made a start but you're not our Will). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
herme3 Posted May 9, 2006 Author Share Posted May 9, 2006 Ok, here are a few more of my stories: "Rejected" - http://www.destinypoems.com/rejected.html "Abandoned" - http://www.destinypoems.com/abandoned.html "Prom" - http://www.destinypoems.com/prom.html "Decision" - http://www.destinypoems.com/decision.html Phi for All should be happy to know that "Decision" has a car chase. Most of the characters in my story are fictional. However, one of them is based on my best friend. See if you can guess which one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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