This thread goes back to my school days when I used to listen to 'Steve Wright in the afternoon' on bbc radio one...it's quite simple, just follow the title.

 

A few examples.

 

I wish this spot was on the end of my nose.

 

(SFN specific) No wonder creationism is popular, the evidence is irrefutable.

 

I wish they'd bring back window tax, it makes so much sense.

Like this?

 

"No one will ever say anything stupid in this thread".

"If it werent for my horse, I wouldnt have spent that year in college."

 

 

"OMG! I thought that movie 'North' was cinematic genius!"

 

 

Captain Kirk: "Ok, we'll form an away team consisting of myself, Mr Spock, Dr Sulu... dang, we're one man short."

Anonymous redshirt ensign: "I'll go with you, Captain Kirk"

 

 

"Egad! President Bush has outsmarted me again!"

 

 

At an academy of science: "... in conclusion, everything Einstein said was wrong and Darwin was a shill."

 

 

"I believe I've learned to communicate in their native tongue. Meow meow meow meow meow."

"OMG! I thought that movie 'North' was cinematic genius!"

 

 

 

"Egad! President Bush has outsmarted me again!"

 

That's something (without shadow of a doubt) someone would never say.

 

I love queueing!

"Gadzooks, its not gravity that holds us down but Jesus"

Round earth is just a theory.

A republican in the McCarthy era... "You know, I think those communists might be on to something..."

"Excuse me, where would one go to apply for French citizenship?"

"My, I never knew that escargot could taste so much like chicken!"

"You know what, I was wrong"..from the mouth of a liberal

paraphrased: "the Big-Bang couldn`t have happened, it would have destroyed everything". some troll a few years ago.

'Sigh', if only my penis was smaller.

 

Darling, we simply must visit Albania this year...I hear it's delightful.

Things Men dont say

 

1. Let's watch Lifetime!

2. Sex is overrated.

3. I don't want to go too far on the first date.

4. Yes, I did notice your sister's breasts are bigger than yours.

5. There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.

6. I'm glad I don't have a large penis.

7. My hips are too big.

8. Aw, can't we watch Oprah?

9. Does this suit make me look fat?

10. I'll never get tired listening to Celine Dion.

11.This is pretty.

12.Looking down.. do you think its too big?

13. looking at a women.. they need to be smaller.

14.Who the hell likes sports ?

15.Stupid men, always hurt others feelings.

16.Do you think this pink shirt matches with my pink shoes and my pink glasses.

17. I feel fat.

18. Do you think ive gained a few pounds?

19. I need more shoes. 10 pairs arent enough.

20. By me a new dress.

"How about we go to the in-laws for Thansgiving this year"

Nigger

"I wish my boss would figure out how to micromanage me a little more."

 

"This job doesn't have enough paperwork!"

 

"I've just come up with three new sitcom plots that have never been done before."

 

"I think winning the lottery would just screw my whole life up."

 

"I don't mind sitting behind this person doing 45 on the highway. It gives me time to think."

 

"I don't mind being inconvenienced personally if it means society as a whole will benefit."

 

From George Carlin (who started this a long time ago):

"Please saw my legs off."

 

"Hand me that piano."

Something your advisor or professor would never say:

 

In order to increase efficiency in the lab, I've decided to buy all of you iPods. They are, after all, valuable storage devices.

Or:

 

Haven't you been working a little hard? Take a week off.

So, I thought the theme for my fancy dress party should be, internal organs of the human body.

 

Your fart has made me feel really hungry.

 

You lucky thing, I've always wanted to be in a car crash.

 

Michael Jackson, wow, I havn't seen you for thirty odd years, you havn't changed a bit!

 

I love it when I double post.

"Wow! who knew that the manufacture of toothbrushes could be so exciting!"

 

"I really want an Apple II for christmas, they're so fast and the graphics are great!"

"I'm so pretty, and smart, and adorable, and overall a more valuable being in the universe than anyone else"

 

... oh, nevermind, I say that all the time

"I always get in the fastest moving line (queue)."

 

"Oh, I'd never want to be as good-looking as In My Memory. I do admire her modesty, though."

 

"My internet connection is almost too fast for me."

 

"AzurePhoenix is much too timid and can't seem to assert herself in a confrontation."

 

"When I talk physics with swansont, Severian and Martin I get the feeling most of it is going right over their heads."

 

"Dave, you made a mistake here in your checkbook."

"Mokele needs a proper pet; he'd love this kitten more than any squirmy old snake"

 

"Don't you just love how Discovery Channel abandoned science in favor of reality programs?"

 

"If I were going into a firefight with enemy troops, I'd want Dick Cheney providing my cover fire"

"No, YT2095, mercury fulminate does NOT make a good foot powder."

 

"Sayonara³, you have no idea what you're talking about!"

 

"I'm sure if you give her a pat on the head and tell her you're sorry AzurePhoenix will show mercy. It's not like she'd have monkeys whisk out your eyeballs or anything."

 

"Sell shipping operations for six major US ports to a company from Dubai? Nobody's going to have a problem with THAT."

 

"In My Memory sold her Hummer H2 because the windows were too small to dump her ashtrays and McDonald's garbage out of."

"Scientists have uncovered fossil evidence today lending support to the well-supported scientific theory of Creation"

 

"Flat-Earth Theorists are rapidly gaining ground on the scale of intelligence, with studies indicating they actually possess more brainpower than their age-old rival the Junebug"

 

"You know, Pixar owes so much to Disney"