Gilded

Haha, good ones Phi. ---Episode LXVI: Gilded strikes back once more--- For no apparent reason, Phi for All and Gilded are walking down the street. Suddenly, Phi says: "Hey Gilded, want to make some money?" "Sure", Gilded replies. "OK, guess how many dollars are in my wallet", Phi says. "What am I going to get if I guess right?" Gilded asks. "Either one of the dollars", Phi answers. --- Phi for All's kid comes home from school: Kid: Daddy, daddy! We had a very nice chemistry lesson today! Phi for All: Great! What did you learn? Kid: Well, our chemistry teacher Mr. YT2095 taught us lots, such as compound nitrating. Phi for All: Sounds interesting. What do you think you're going to learn tomorrow at school? Kid: What school? --- New York Times: A strange man was arrested today in Manhattan. He was throwing number figures made of solid gold at people. The man is now facing a 1000$ fine for the injuries caused by the gold figures, and a 200$ extra fine for shouting "PHI FOR ALL!" at little children who got very traumatized.

Time for some stand up comedy! Hey hey people, don't slit your wrists YET! And please, sharper knives are available in the souvenir store. So, we got Phi for All here tonight. Gee, he's married, nearing sweet fifty and a father! That's what being born on (Friday?) 13th gives you in life, no doubt about that. And what's with the name "Phi for All"? Although, a good nickname if you happen to be completely irrational like our little friend here. And communications as a major? No wonder the man spits out jokes the same pace as George Bush starts wars! Eavesdropping top secret government transmissions gives you a major joke arsenal. Thank you everybody, you've been great!

Time for some stand up comedy! Hey hey people, don't slit your wrists YET! And please, sharper knives are available in the souvenir store. So, we got Phi for All here tonight. Gee, he's married, nearing sweet fifty and a father! That's what being born on (Friday?) 13th gives you in life, no doubt about that. And what's with the name "Phi for All"? Although, a good nickname if you happen to be completely irrational like our little friend here. And communications as a major? No wonder the man spits out jokes the same pace as George Bush starts wars! Eavesdropping top secret government transmissions gives you a major joke arsenal. Thank you everybody, you've been great!

Two men are walking down the street. The other asks: "Hey, if you were like camping with your friend and he like... had sex with you when you drink too much and pass out, would you tell anyone? I mean, it would be really embarrassing!" The other man thinks for a while. "No, I don't think I'd have the guts", he then replies. "I see", the other man says. The men keep walking down the street, and after a couple of seconds the other man continues: "Sooo... wanna go camping this weekend?"

Tervetuloa SFN: ään! Välkommen till SFN! (Welcome to SFN, in Finnish and Swedish )

"I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities." Lol, couldn't be without thinking of a certain Finnish ex-ski-jumper (Matti Nykänen) who beats his wife (I think he's been married 5 times) and recently stabbed a person in the back, and is now going to jail for 2 years or so. Why did he stab the man? He lost against him in the noble game of "finger hook".

Gilded and Phi for All are walking through a bog area. Soon they see a sign that says "Warning! Bog faggots ahead!" Phi asks Gilded: "Yo Gil, what's a bog faggot?" Gilded replies: "I have no idea... but stay close, just to be sure". Soon they enter a foggy zone of the bog, and Phi realizes that Gilded has gone somewhere! Panicked, Phi starts running and suddenly starts to sink in the bog. "Oh dear, a boghole!" Phi thinks. He tries to struggle, but can't get out. Phi realizes he's knee-deep in the boghole. Soon, a man walks by. "Help me good man, I'm in a boghole!" The man replies: "Well, I'm one of those bog faggots. I'll help you up... if you'll be my sexslave for a week" Phi shouts: "Oh dear, no! I'm not that kind of guy, I have a wife and kids!" The bog faggot replies: "Well suit yourself" and walks away. Soon, Phi finds himself waist-deep in the boghole. Another man walks by. "Please help me, I'm in a boghole!" Phi shouts. "Well, I'm one of those bog faggots. Be my sexslave for two weeks and I'll help you", the man says. "Oh no, I'm not that kind of guy. You know what, I think I can get out of here by my own." The man says: "Suit yourself" and walks away. Minutes pass, and Phi sinks even further down. Now he's neck-deep in the boghole! His vision starts to blur of all the bog fumes. He barely sees a blurred character walking by. Phi thinks that it must be another swamp faggot and tries to trick him. "Hey, you, help me out! I'll be your sexslave, just save my life!" "Oh dear, that must be one of those swamp faggots!" Gilded shouts and runs away. <Note: A sudden burst of methane from the bog lifted Phi for All from the boghole. Gilded and Phi lived happily ever after. The methane ignited though, and burned Phi's left shoe's shoelace quite badly.>

Dedicated to a certain anonymous person called Phi for All: Phi decides it's time to rob a certain house of electronics and other valuable items, since the house owner isn't home. So, he goes in and sees a nice computer and starts to unplug it. Soon he hears a voice that says: "Jesus is watching you!" Phi thinks he's just hearing things, and continues to unplug the device. "Jesus is near and is going to punish you!", the voice shouts. Phi is really scared, but soon sees a parrot in the corner. "Heh, a talking parrot! You almost scared me to death, little fellow... do you have a name by the way?" Phi asks relieved. "Yes, my name is Moses", the parrot replies. "Hah! What sort of a man names his parrot Moses?" Phi laughs. "The sort of a man who names his pet tiger Jesus." ---- Phi for All meets up with his friend in a bar. He asks his friend: "Why are you walking around with a cork up your ass? It looks silly!" Phi's friend looks really miserable and says: "Well, there was this genie that told me that I can wish for anything I want and that I'll get. I was of course confused and said 'No shit?'" ---- Viva la lawyer jokes! How long do you have to stare at a lawyer with only one eye? - Until the pistol's clip is empty. ---- I read the older jokes, and found this in a speeding joke: "I have diarrhea real bad, and, well, I GOTTA GO!" Believe it or not, Sir Alex Ferguson actually used that some time ago when a police asked why he was speeding. And Alex didn't have to even pay the fine.

At an Egyptian swimming competition: Commentator: Ok, Imhotep gets a good start... and... WHAT THE?! The water suddenly divides dropping all the contestants to the pool's stone bottom! Moses: Damn! It was an accident, I swear!

Have fun ya'll! Good to see that young people are joining too. I used to be under 18 too... And I still am. Dammit. :<

You go Phi. After all, this is a jokes section, I found a rather amusing source of Cthulhu-mythos parody comics: http://www.macguff.fr/goomi/unspeakable/home.html Laughed my ass off while reading them. Now, off to buy a new ass -->

Arrh, thar be spanking around too. Ye'll be all spanked in the dawn, yarrrh. "found an S&M magazine under the bed" Mmmm... S&Ms. So tender and chocolatey... No wait, I meant M&Ms.

Welcome to Science Forums; where the grass is greener on the other side of the... umm, quark? Bah. "Do not ask these people for recipes! They'll give them to you with all the ingredients in chemical symbols." Aye, ye'll be mixing C12H22O11 with H2O, then ye'll be adding a little NaCl...

Arrrh, thar be Brittish humor about. Pull high the Jolly Roger and load yer muskets. (Actually, I've always loved Brittish humor :> ) A man is driving a truck. Soon, the truck's motor shuts down. The driver starts to swear and tries to start the truck again. Soon, a priest comes by. Priest: Do not swear! That's not going to help! Truck Driver: Well, what do you suggest I should do. Priest: You must pray! *Truck driver turns the key and the truck starts* Priest: Oh $hit, who would have believed? Another truck driver joke: A man drives a truck through a dark forest. He thinks to himself "Ahh, sure it's dark, but I've got a six pack of beer and a tasty sandwich!". Soon, a yellow man jumps from the bushes, and prevents the driver from driving further. "Hey, I'm a faggot! Gimme something to drink!" the yellow man says. The truck driver is very homophobic, so he throws his six pack from the car window and continues his journey. Soon, a red man jumps from the bushes. "Hey, I'm the faggot you saw earlier! Gimme something to eat!", the red man says. The truck driver starts to get really pissed off and throws his sandwich and continues driving. Soon, a blue man jumps from the bushes! The truck driver shouts at the man "OK, WHAT DO YOU WANT YOU F***ING FAGGOT?!?" "I'd like to see your driver's license", says the policeman.

Ooh, nice to see that someone else likes nuclear weapons. Mortal Kombat's not too bad either. :> Have fun!

*sorry for the following gypsy joke, got to make fun of SOME group of people * Three gypsies are at the Pearly Gates. Gypsies: Can we get in? St. Peter: No, go to hell! St. Peter then walks away and informs God about this. God is mad at Peter and says "How rude of you! Gypsies are welcome in Heaven, go and apologize!". Peter leaves. Soon, he comes back shouting. St. Peter: They're gone, they're gone! God: The gypsies? St. Peter: No, the Pearly Gates!

Yipes! Nice pets you have there, I'd like to have some sort of a nice lizard too. Wouldn't mind growing carnivorous plants either (I had one but I think I overfed it and it died :< ). Have fun, post lots!

A guy from Texas visits Finland. He goes on a guided tour, but everything seems to be too small. "And here's the famous church", the guide says. "Oh, how small it is!" Minutes then pass, and they arrive at a famous statue. "Oh, how small it is!", the Texan shouts again. The guide really starts to get pissed off. Soon, a huge hedgehog runs over the road. "Wow, what was that?!", the Texan says amazed. The guide then realizes that his big chance has come and says: "Oh that... it seems that the crab lice are rather small this year."

"The thread has been viewed over 10000 times!" Yay for Jokes thread! Pwning j00 with good jokes - since the first post (can't be arsed to check when it was) Three surgeons discuss about their accomplishments during a conference break. 1st Surgeon: A man got his arms blown off by grenade shrapnels and I fixed them. He is the world's best sniper today. 2nd Surgeon: That's nothing! A woman got his both legs blown off by a mine and I fixed them. She's the world's best dancer today. 3rd Surgeon: OK, those are both great accomplishments but nothing compared to my best work. 1st & 2nd Surgeons: What's that then? 3rd Surgeon: Well, there was an accident at an explosives factory that left behind only a horse's behind and I fixed it. And today, that horse's ass is the president of the United States!

A man walks on a beach. Suddenly, he trips over and finds a bottle buried in the sand. He opens the bottle and *POOF* there's a genie! "Sorry mate, I'm just a novice genie, with very minor powers, so I can only fulfill one wish, if even that. Say something and I'll tell if I can do it", the genie says. "Ok... I've always wanted to visit Hawaii, but I'm afraid of seatrips and flying, so if you could build an eight-lane motor way across the ocean to Hawaii, I'd be very glad", the man says. "Sorry, that's way too much!" the genie replies. "Well, then I wish that you would make George W. so smart, that he would be cabable of doing reasonable and intelligent things!", the man then says. The genie then replies: "Umm... How many lanes did you say the motor way should have?"

"Watch it, Gilded! Of all the different sexes, women are my favorite!" Yes, women are cool but having a woman president isn't as fun as you might think it is. Now, some jokes then: There were three men who were friends, Bob, Will and James. They all die in a car accident and go to heaven. God then says: "Ok guys, we have a sort of policy here: you get a vehicle depending on how faithful you have been to your partner." Bob then says: "I've been unfaithful 10 times" "So... You shall have an old Toyota", God replies. "I have done it 5 times", Will then says. "So... You shall have a 2-year old BMW", God replies. "I have always been faithful to my partner!" James then shouts. "Well done! You shall have a brand new Ferrari", God says to him. Days then pass, and the men meet up. Bob and Will are rather glad, but James is crying. "You're in Heaven and can drive around with a Ferrari! What's the matter?", Bob and Will ask. "I know", James replies sadly "but I just met my wife; she has a skateboard". ---- An Asian and an American guy sit in a bar. They then start fighting because of some silly thing. The American then wakes up behind the bar, and can't remember what happened. "What was that", the American guy asks. "Just a little something from the East; karate, that is", the Asian guy replies. Hours pass, and then they start fighting again. Same thing happens. "Was that karate?" the American guy asks. "Just a little something from the East; this time it was taekwondo", the Asian guy smiles. Once again, hours pass, and they start fighting again. This time however, the Asian guy wakes up behind the bar and can't remember a thing. "What was THAT?", the stunned Asian asks. "Just a little something from the East", the American smiles. "A Toyota wheel cover, to be exact."

Hehe, nice one Phi. Especially when Tarja Halonen (aka president of Finland, who is sadly a woman, if someone didn't know) strongly criticized Bush's actions recently. Luckily, the Finnish can say whatever they want and nobody seems to notice. Ok, here's another one about ex-presidents and presidents, Bill Clinton and Putin this time: Vladimir Putin decided to visit Bill Clinton one day. Vlad was greatly impressed by Clinton's house, and even decided to send a letter to him afterwards: "Dear Bill, Your house was awesome! The food was delicious, your yard was really beautiful, it's hard to even describe all the marvellous things you got there! Even the brass toilet seat... Wow!" When Clinton read the letter, he went really mad and crushed the letter and shouted: Hey Hillary, I think I've figured out who crapped in my saxophone!

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He then wanders around, and suddenly finds himself in a room with a lot of clocks. When he looks more carefully, he sees that every clock has a country's name on it. There's Finland, Australia, China... and so on. The clocks have only one hand, that moves very slowly for most clocks. The man can hardly see them move; once in a while one of the clock hands move a bit forward. Some don't move at all. "Yo, God, what's up with these clocks" the man shouts. "Oh those ones" God answers. "Whenever the leader of a country says or thinks something stupid, the hand moves forward a bit" God continues. "Riight... But where's the clock of USA?" the man then asks. "Oh that. It's in the bathroom, as a cooling fan." [it was a joke, although a rather lousy one. Please don't get offended by it. ]

How can you tell there's just not enough food in Transylvania? ----- Answer: Vampires search the trash cans for used tampons.

How are you gentlemen. All your base... ehh, I mean hello. I've been around for a while (as you may have noticed), but I'm still a forum noob and I haven't exactly posted anything in this thread... So, hi. I'm from Finland (no, we don't have polar bears here!), and I'm usually rather bitchy about it, since it sucks to live here and I'm planning to move to the U.S. or UK as soon as I can. My favourite area of science is chemistry (especially radiochemistry), and I found the Oh-So-Magnificent Science Forums when I searched more info about the Radioactive Boyscout-case. I think there was a thread about it in the chemistry forum, and so, here I am.