YT2095

a man really concerned about his Girlfriend writes to an Agony Aunt columnist. " Dear Agony Aunt, I`ve been seeing this girl now for a few months and really would like to go a little further with our relationship and have sex, but a few weeks ago she said something that I didn`t quite hear properly, and I was a bit to shy to ask here to repeat it, I`m not sure if she said "I have TB or VD?" any advice would be appreciated" a week later came a reply... "If she Coughs, Jump on her" ------------------------------------------------- TB or Not TB, That is the Consumption.

a man walks into a Pub with a dog and orders a pint. he asks the bartender "do you know anyone that wants to by a talking dog?" the bartender smirks and says "a talking dog, I`ve heard that one before!" the dog clears his throat "Ehem,,, if you don`t mind my interjection here, I happen to have swum the English channel from Dover to Calais, climbed Mt. Everest AND conquered the Artic circle leading a pack of Huskies!" the bartender is astonished and nearly stummbles backwards "erm WHY do want to sell this dog? it`s amazing!" the owner said "I don`t mind the talking,,, I`m just sick of his Lies!"

Q: what do you call a plum struggling to get out of a frock?^ A: A Damson In `dis Dress ^ Frock = a womans garment, dress, skirt with a top attatched type of thing.

there was a Racoon in the forrest wandering about and he comes across his friend, he says "you`re looking a bit thin!" his mate says "yes, I`m absolutely starving, but I just don`t have the heart to kill and eat some of these insects" ( his mate says "but you`ve got to! you`ll die otherwise, here, let me help you get some food, you jump onto the end of this hollow log and I`ll crawl through the other end making as much noise as I can". his sick and starving friends say "ok, so then what?" "well" replied the other, " when the insects come out the other end, you jump on them and eat them" "Sigh, ok then, If I must, but it`s against my better judgement" replies the nearly collapsed racoon, and slowly climd onto the end of the hollow log... *Bang Boom Crash* comes his mate through the log and a couple of Weevils come running out the other end, his starving mate jumps off the end of the log and catches a Weevil!!! "Horray" shouts his mate and runs to look at the catch.... "erm.. why did you pick that one, there was clearly a MUCH bigger one to choose?" his friend replies, "since I`ve had this Guilt problem, it seemed the best thing to do" he continues after his friend gives a puzzeled look, " It was the lesser of two weevils". edited for obvious typos.

another true story; a woman in an office, when questioned WHY she has brought her home phone into work and pluged it in, replied "I`m expecting an important fone call and they only know my home number".

here`s a true one, a laptop was designed many years ago that was said to be unbreakable, it was dropped from great heights, could stand a large car driving over it, even being submersed in water for several metres. a company up north wanted to see it for further testing, so it was sent via Royal Mail. several days later it arrived... Broken!

LOL here`s a classic: and Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman were captured in the jungle by canibal tribesmen and were tied to posts and granted one last wish before they were killed. the Scotsman asked for bottle of whiskey, shortly after he`d drunk the bottle, he was killed , his skin taken off and used to make a canoe. the English man and Irishman got really scared at this point, but it was now the Englishmans turn, he asked for a plate of roast beef and yorkshire pudding, shortly after he`de eaten it, the same fate befell him, his skin was taken off and stretched out and made into a canoe. Then came the Irishmans turn, "what`s your last wish" asked the cheif of tribe, the Irishman thought for a minute and said "I`de be wanting a fork please" the Cheif looking puzzeled went off and brought back a fork for him. The Irishman quickly grabbed the fork and started stabbing himself all over with it whilst shouting "You`ll NOT be making a Canoe out of me ya buggers!"

2 Trucks were Hijacked on a quiet stretch of road, the cargo of 2 ton of carrots and several crates of cigarettes were stolen. the police are now searching for a rabbit with a bad cough

anyone hear about that native american indian that drank over 1,000 cups of tea in a day? apparently he drowned in his own teepee!

here`s one for any aged UKers. Bill and Ben in the bathtub, Bill farted, Ben said "What did you say?"

Q: When does Saddam Hussein have his Breakfast? A: When Tarik has his.

I`ve put it in here for you Sandros ) IF you`de like to add your own entry to here, I`ll delete this post for you

Here`s one dedicated to Phi for All A young man named Phi received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the birds mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. Phi decided to change the birds attitude by consistantly saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the birds vocabulary. Finaly, Phi was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Phi shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder! Phi, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he`d hurt the parrot, Phi quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Phis outstretched arm and said " I beleive I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I`m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior" Phi was stunned at the change in the birds attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the parrot bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

2 chem students had just completed their exams and were ready to go out and celebrate on a fishing trip with plenty of booze. the Lab was about to be locked up soon soon so hurriedly one of them grabs the clear bottle of Ethanol off the top shelf and stuffs it into his bag while looking to see if the teacher`s coming to lock up. they both leave without getting caught. soon after they`re on the boat in the sunshine doing some fishing and one of them takes the bottle out of the bag, opens it and starts to drink, a little while latter he goes to releive himself at the other end of the boat, while he`s away the other one decides to have a drink too, looks at the bottle and to his Horror it reads Sulphuric Acid!!! he shouts to his mate, "Don`t drink any of that stuff in the bottle!, it`s Sulphuric Acid!!!" his mate replies "I know, I just pissed a hole in the back deck"

ok dokes ) Q: What is Pink and Hard? A: the Financial Times Crossword Puzzel

Sayo, you Party Pooper! LOL

A woman walks into a Bar (no it didn`t hurt) and asks for a pint of water. a guy sitting next to her says " a pint a water? how come you`re only drinking water?" she says "you`de only be drinking water if you had what I`ve got!" the guy looks worried and moves uncomfortably in his chair, a while later he gets the courage to ask her "what have you got then?" she says "10 pence"

well in my line of work I try not to assume anything, and the unexpected is a regular and frequent occurance, I`ll chalk this one up to a pleasant surprise

I just realised that at the time of posting this thread "Need a Jokes Section BADLY! :)" things have changed, so now it`s renamed and is official, I wasn`t sure if would take off, but it has LOL, Enjoy ) "I`m not a vegitarian because I love Animals, I just Hate vegetables"

this is by far the funniest in my opinion: http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/simplecubic.jpg nice one

this one is my all time fave joke (so far), nothing to do with Science though. there`s a sausage and an egg in a frying pan, the sausage says "Jeez it`s a bit hot in here!" the egg replies "OH MY GOD, A Talking Sausage!"

Two molecules walking down the road, one says to the other "I think I`ve lost an Electron!" the other one says "Are you Positive?"

There are 10 sorts of people, Those that understand Binary, and Those that don`t [edit} just realised post #2 here: http://www.scienceforums.net/forums/showthread.php?t=1159 nevermind, it`s old but good

OMG! Rad-Ed what have you started here!????! )) I expect that this is far from your original and intended purpose of this thread? {edit} chuck some fish guts in the water and see who bites eh

Hi, I`m YT2095 and I`m a Sciencehollic <bows head in shame>