I couldn't find any sociology category so here i post

This thread might sound dumb but in my case i have a big issue regarding this subject and i hope to learn about it and get recommendations

When i'm walking on a sidewalk to go from A to B, and i see a person or a duo/trio... coming towards me, i'm let's say in pain

I keep thinking about them, are they thinking about me, when should i start watching them to say hi, if they don't watch me while i watch, should i watch again in 2 seconds, and again?

Is there any system to apply when passing people not to have to bother worrying and feeling awkwardness?

(when it's a street with ton of people like in movies i just ignore everyone)

Most of the time in streets, when it's two people coming, i never look at them, i do like they don't exist

They are not alone like me, they do their stuff, we are strangers to each other, we will probably never pass each other again, i think it's like useless to say hi

But when it's a single person, i would feel it really sucks/be weird/sad to pass each other like we are not here

When it's two people in forest trails, it's horrible for me, i can't ignore them, i get like the same feeling as when it's a single person, i couldn't ignore them, probably because it's a nice place without too many people

Often i quickly look at them, say a quiet hi, then look back to my direction, and hear no response, it kills me, i'm starting to think i will now just never look at people anymore when passing them, maybe even single persons

Maybe they feel i don't want to pass them and i say hi just to be polite/be positive

___

should i have posted in "Psychiatry and Psychology"?

Edited May 10May 10 by raphaelh42

In my experience of urban settings, it's okay to ignore passersby entirely. In rural settings, it's usual to just nod and say hello, but there's no obligation to go further than that (unless you have an actual question or observation) and if a couple or group is engaged in conversation then it's normal to just pass by and obey the social taboo against interrupting. In the northern plains of the US, there's a thing called "the Nebraska nod," (which is actually prevalent all through the northern plains states) which is just a quick nod plus brief eye contact, without vocalizing. It says I acknowledge you but in the least intrusive way possible .

I have skipped the entire minefield of solitary pretty women. This requires careful steps if one is a gentleman who does not wish to stare or say things that could be construed as either flirtation or not respectful of boundaries. Women tend to exercise caution around random males (especially between ages 15 and 65) and boundaries should be respected. For example, if she's walking a dog, it's usually okay to comment on the dog ("What a handsome Weimaraner!") but not the woman ("you look just like [name of actress who is drop dead gorgeous]").

As for people who don't respond to a friendly hello, remember that says something about them and not about you. You aren't going to figure out a random stranger's boundaries and motivations, and it's really not worth your time.

2 hours ago, raphaelh42 said:

I couldn't find any sociology category so here i post

This thread might sound dumb but in my case i have a big issue regarding this subject and i hope to learn about it and get recommendations

When i'm walking on a sidewalk to go from A to B, and i see a person or a duo/trio... coming towards me, i'm let's say in pain

I keep thinking about them, are they thinking about me, when should i start watching them to say hi, if they don't watch me while i watch, should i watch again in 2 seconds, and again?

Is there any system to apply when passing people not to have to bother worrying and feeling awkwardness?

(when it's a street with ton of people like in movies i just ignore everyone)

Most of the time in streets, when it's two people coming, i never look at them, i do like they don't exist

They are not alone like me, they do their stuff, we are strangers to each other, we will probably never pass each other again, i think it's like useless to say hi

But when it's a single person, i would feel it really sucks/be weird/sad to pass each other like we are not here

When it's two people in forest trails, it's horrible for me, i can't ignore them, i get like the same feeling as when it's a single person, i couldn't ignore them, probably because it's a nice place without too many people

Often i quickly look at them, say a quiet hi, then look back to my direction, and hear no response, it kills me, i'm starting to think i will now just never look at people anymore when passing them, maybe even single persons

Maybe they feel i don't want to pass them and i say hi just to be polite/be positive

___

should i have posted in "Psychiatry and Psychology"?

From your recent posts I think you might speak to a doctor. You do not seem to me to be in a healthy frame of mind.

But it is normal practice when walking in the countryside to greet people you encounter, just a simple bonjour and a smile, which you do not do in the city because there are people everywhere.

Just now, raphaelh42 said:

Maybe they feel i don't want to pass them and i say hi just to be polite/be positive

Well most parts of the world have a version of

good morning / afternoon from guten morgen to bonjour to gdday ......

and leave it up to them to respond or not.

Sometimes you can tell from a distance if they’re avoiding eye contact, in which case I say nothing. If they make eye contact I give a nod, or return a greeting if they say something.

Just now, swansont said:

Sometimes you can tell from a distance if they’re avoiding eye contact, in which case I say nothing. If they make eye contact I give a nod, or return a greeting if they say something.

A good proportion of passersby these days are glassy eyed and either sporting large 'ear muff' things or talking on phone or throat mike.

☹️

33 minutes ago, studiot said:

A good proportion of passersby these days are glassy eyed and either sporting large 'ear muff' things or talking on phone or throat mike.

☹️

Ear buds are sometimes hard to spot, but any indication they’re listening to something is a sign they don’t want to verbally engage. IMO.

5 hours ago, raphaelh42 said:

When i'm walking on a sidewalk to go from A to B, and i see a person or a duo/trio... coming towards me, i'm let's say in pain

Are these people you know or strangers? If you know them, at least by sight, all you have to do is nod or smile or raise a hand in greeting. If they return the gesture, fine: you can all either keep going your own way or stop to chat. Let them choose which, unless you have a particular reason to engage them.

5 hours ago, raphaelh42 said:

I keep thinking about them, are they thinking about me,

They are almost certainly not thinking about you. Most people, most of the time, are too preoccupied with their own concerns to be thinking of random other people on the street. (The exception is people-watchers, like me, who think about almost everyone they encounter. I watch them, surmise things about their mood and circumstances and attitudes but they rarely notice. If they make eye contact, I smile or compliment their outfit or make a joke about the situation we happen to be sharing. It's not awkward: most people who are willing to look at you are disposed to be friendly. Those who want to avoid contact usually make their preference clear in their bearing and facial expression.)

The safest way to test this theory is to sit alone on a bench in a shopping mall, watching people go by. Most of them hurry past, talking to each other, or their phones, or looking is shop windows, not noticing you at all. A few will look at you. Look them in the eye and see what happens to their face. Do they smile, frown, look curious or anxious? (You're not the only person in the world who feels out of their social depth!) If they make a gesture, return it. I you want to make a gesture, most people will return it. It doesn't need to be difficult: we're all just human beings trying to navigate our world and our culture.

5 hours ago, raphaelh42 said:

But when it's a single person, i would feel it really sucks/be weird/sad to pass each other like we are not here

On the street of a city, it's perfectly all right to ignore everyone. That may be sad, but it's our urban reality: there is too much demand on our limited attention, too many others crowding our space and we often suffer sensory overload. In a village or small town, the pace tends to be slower and people more open to acknowledging one another. If people are just strolling, it's customary to say hello, wave or nod even at strangers.

5 hours ago, raphaelh42 said:

When it's two people in forest trails, it's horrible for me, i can't ignore them, i get like the same feeling as when it's a single person, i couldn't ignore them, probably because it's a nice place without too many people

Also, it's a place where everyone should be relaxed, enjoying nature together. A Nod, wave or smile is sufficient to test whether the other people are interested in making contact. If not, you just keep going. There is no need to feel embarrassed; nothing is expected of you.

Edited May 11May 11 by Peterkin

I appreciate your sharing, thank you

i think my biggest problem is i don't know when to eye contact, it's not natural at all for me

When i share an activity with people, like a common goal, i do eye contact naturally

But when i pass unknown people on the sidewalks of my city of 50k people (~1 person per minute i think), i don't want to eye contact, i would prefer if they wasn't there

so if i initiate the hi/nod, that can't really be pleasant for both sides, since the intention is negative, i think that's the real cause of my problem, i keep initiating without wanting to

-> So now, i plan to never initiate anymore, and if (only if) i somehow feel the person watches me, then i will verify and if the person indeed eye contact me, i will do too, during like one second

After that second, if the person done nothing, i would have done absolutely nothing neither, no more initiation from me. I will look towards my direction again

If the person did say hi/nod, i would have done too

Seems like i found the solution to my problem, nice

Edited May 11May 11 by raphaelh42

50 minutes ago, raphaelh42 said:

i think my biggest problem is i don't know when to eye contact, it's not natural at all for me

When i share an activity with people, like a common goal, i do eye contact naturally

Then you are just a normal shy person. Once you share an activity or experience with someone this relaxes social inhibitions and you warm up. Returning brief eye contact sounds like a good first step for you, and your anxiety will diminish over time. I find many people are like emotional camels, crossing a desert of indifference. One pleasant contact, one shared smile, is an oasis and you can travel along for many miles on that.

Perhaps you will encounter a @Peterkin on a bench - they sound nice. (unless they're a 300 pound Russian hacker on a bed in St Petersburg who has us all fooled)

1 hour ago, raphaelh42 said:

But when i pass unknown people on the sidewalks of my city of 50k people (~1 person per minute i think), i don't want to eye contact, i would prefer if they wasn't there

They probably feel the same way. Sensory overload. Don't worry about it: ignore them as they ignore you. (Except, of course, for common courtesy, like not bumping or pushing, making way for the handicapped and opening heavy doors for frail old ladies.)

1 hour ago, raphaelh42 said:

Seems like i found the solution to my problem, nice

I hope that will work for you.

45 minutes ago, TheVat said:

(unless they're a 300 pound Russian hacker on a bed in St Petersburg who has us all fooled)

210, and it's all muscle, hardly any brain tissue.