RICHARDBATTY

Rubber expands when cooled and contracts when heated.

Could be an average amount of mass per diameter to orbital distance type of coincidense.

Would it be possible to make the pm number change to red when you have unread pms. Or better make the link go red. Its probably just me but I'm sad and don't get many messages, so I don't look at it much and may miss it for a while when I get a message.

I did wonder as it was constant innuendo all the way through, but with the likes of sponge bob I would not rule anything out.

Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously......... ............... "He's decomposing."

Who in the uk remembers rainbow the childrens tv show and how disgustingly filthy it was. http://rainbow.arch.scriptmania.com/rainbow_tv_episode.html Even if your not from the uk you may still like this.

Wellllll helllllooo therrrrrre. Thanks for the offer of help but from the responses I recieve I think I'm beyond it

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The barman freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..." The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The barman takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the barman, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous... Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.." "Yes", the man replies, "and I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely cured." "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house." So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses on the bar. "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore...", says the man.

After having their 11th child, a very thick couple decided that that was enough and they could not afford a larger house. So, the husband went to his doctor, and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a banger, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So, the couple drove to another doctor to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy when he realized how truly backwards these people were. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a banger, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand

Sex is so dangerous these days. If you sleep with someone you get s.t.d. if you sleep alone you get r.s.i.

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "really?" Says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on

I had eighteen bottles of whisky in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink. Or else...... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the exception of one glass which I drank. I extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle, and poured the whisky down the sink, which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink, and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the sink out of the next glass, bottled the drink and drank the poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles and sinks with the other, which were 29, as the house came by I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I’m not under the afluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I’m not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don’t know who is me, and the drunker I stand here the longer I get. Oh me !!

Mickeys solicitor informs Mickey he cant divorce minnie for having buck teeth. Mickey replies" I didnt say that I said she was f*****g Goofy"

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York." The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

A guy is hanging out at his favourite bar when he spots a fabulous babe walking in on the arm of some ugly old toad. He asks the bar tender about her and is surprised to discover that she's a prostitute. He watches her the rest of the night amazed that someone so attractive may be available to him. The next night he goes back to the bar again and sure enough she shows up again, this time alone! The guy has a bit of dutch courage and approaches her. "Is it true that you're a prostitute?" "Why sure, big boy what can I do for you?" "Well, I dunno. What do you charge?" "I charge £100 just for a hand job. We can negotiate from there...." ""100 for a hand job! Are you nuts!" he chokes on his beer.She walks him over to the door,"See that Ferrari out there?" The guy looks into the car park and sure enough there's a brand spanking new Ferrari.She says "I paid cash for that Ferrari with money I made on hand jobs - trust me it's worth it" The guy decides to take a chance, he leaves with her and gets the most unbelievable experience he's ever had. This hand job was better than any complete sexual experience in his life! The next night he's back at the bar, waiting eagerly for her to show up. When she does, he immediately approaches her. "Last night was incredible!" "Of course it was" she says "Wait 'til you try one of my blow jobs... "How much is that?" "£500" "£500! C'mon, thats ridiculous!" "You see that apartment building across the street?" The guy looks out across the street and see's a twelve story apartment building "I paid cash for that building with the money I made from blow jobs. Trust me - it's worth it" Again the guy decides to go for it. He leaves with her, and once again he's not disappointed - he nearly faints - twice! The next night he can hardly contain himself until she shows up."I'm hooked, you're the best! Tell me, what'll it cost me for some pussy?" She takes him outside. She points down the street, there between the building he can see Manhattan. "You see that island?" "Aw, c'mon! You can't mean THAT!" She nods her head. "You bet! If I had a pussy, I'd own Manhattan

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw. Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off. The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw." The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Q: You are stuck in an elevator with a tiger, a lion and a lawyer. You have a gun with just two bullets in it. What do you do? A: Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure he's dead

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a £1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and £1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You'll try again!"

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly. "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right .. . I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

Why does it take two women with pmt to change a light bulb. Because it just f***in does allright! .

What goes "oooo". A cow with no lips.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said, The sky is definately blue I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else Timmy raised his hand and said, The grass is definately green. I'm sorry Timmy thats not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else Little Johnny raises his hand and says, Teacher do farts have lumps The teacher says, no why Johnny says, "Then I have definately crapped my pants!"

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your t*ts' he says. You dirty git' shouts the barmaid, 'get out before I fetch my husband.' The man apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. 'I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your a**e and lick it all off' he says. 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out.' she storms. Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now what do you want?' 'I want to turn you upside down, fill your f**ny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop.' The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up, Love?' he asks. 'There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my t*ts and lick the sweat off' she says. 'I'll kill him. where is he?' storms the husband. 'Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my a**e cheeks and lick it off' she screams. 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat. 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my f**ny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on. 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically. 'Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 18 pints of Guinness...