5614

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. the turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his wholse shell is taped together with sticky tape. the bartender asks that man: "whats wrong with your turtle?" "nothing" the man responds "this turtle is super fast! take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. then go to the other end of the bar and call your dog. i'll bet you £50 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there" so the bartender thinking its and easy £50 agrees. the dog and turtle line up at one side of the bar. the bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of 3 calls his dog. suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender and smashing into the wall: "£50 please."

What do you call a mule with 3 legs? a wonky donkey! what do you call a short mule with 3 legs? a dinky wonky donkey! what do you call a short mule with 3 legs and one eye? a winky dinky wonky donkey! what do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye and breaking wind? a stinky winky dinky wonky donkey! what do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye, breaking wind and playing the piano? a plinky plonky stinky winky dinky wonky donkey! what do you call a short mule with 3 legs, one eye, breaking wind, playing the piano and driving a tractor? very clever!

There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates. ----------------------- Did you hear about the statistician who invented a device to measure the weight of trees? It's referred to as the log scale. ____________________ true fact: This message was written entirely with recycled electrons! [physics of computer screens!] ____________________ I can travel through time and I do ... at the unremarkable rate of one second per second. ____________________ What is the meaning of the abreviation SPIN ? S ociety for the P rotection of I nnocent N uclei ____________________ "I don't like electrons; they've always had a negative influence on society." (Chris Lipe)

how d'ya do that? i have done pics in the past, and they always get squwished up, like DerSpooky, how do you do the code tag thing?

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me. Another man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home." Two men walked into a bar. You would think at least one of them would have ducked!

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." _________________________ The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

i think that the bath tub answers yt's question...... "bubble bubble bubble!" _____________________ A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him". _____________________ The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The taliban guy asked, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?" The old man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? They are only $150.00. Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes." The taliban guy shouted, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot, I need water!" The old man replied, "OK then, don't buy my ties. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about four miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way; they have all the water you need." The taliban guy begrudgingly thanked him, then staggered away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the taliban guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table. The old man said, "...I told you, about four miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?" The taliban guy rasped, "I found it all right. Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie!"

not for youngsters! Nude Beach A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why. She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is." Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

i started a thread about ion engines: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/3150718.stm and it said that it may be moderated by your admin if he/she has chosen to moderate new posts. however, still my thread has never appeared and i dunno where it is. __________________ and to make phi happy: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? Border Collie: Just one. Then I"ll replace any wiring that"s not up to code. Rottweiler: Make me! Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh? Dachshund: You know I can"t reach that stupid lamp! Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he"s busy. Jack Russell Terrier: I"ll just pop it in while I"m bouncing off the walls. Greyhound: It isn"t moving. Who cares? Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I"m not afraid of the dark... Doberman: While it"s out, I"ll just take a nap on the couch. Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there! Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? Australian Shepherd: First, I"ll put all the light bulbs in a little circle... Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again? Poodle: I"ll just blow in the Border Collie"s ear and he"ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we"ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you"re inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

evidently, looking at your post count, this thread is meant to be here so you can introuduce yourself, tell us something about you...

Sign Posted At A Golf Club In Scottsdale, Arizona 1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart. 2. Form A Loose Grip. 3. Keep Your Head Down. 4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing. 5. Stay Out Of The Water. 6. Try Not To Hit Anyone. 7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Please Let Others Go Ahead Of You. 8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others. 9. Quiet Please...while Others Are Preparing To Go. 10. Don't Take Extra Strokes. Well Done - Now Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off!

hey, i never said i had a problem with your jokes! that i do take personally, i have no problem with the 18+ jokes, really, it was someone else who said that there mums were watching over their backs, i just said dont go sex mad, coz some rude jokes wont go amiss either, and you can be rude about, i dont mind, so long as its funny and it stays in this thread!

no, post #376 or the kids question thing was quite good, but the other two werent your strongest yet, i think if you dont worry so much about the PG-13 thing, just dont go sex mad again!

Webster"s Dictionary definition of Windows 95 Windows95: n. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can"t stand 1 bit of competition ________________________________ Our Morning Prayer . . . Our Hard Drive Which art internal Volume C by name; Thy code be clean, Thy fonts be seen On screen as they are on paper. Give us this day our documents, And lead us not into fragmentation But deliver us our data. For thine is the SCSI, And the EISA, and the NuBus, Forever and Ever, Amen. __________________________ 100 Buckets of Bits 100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal." Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?" And... 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say, "Are you sure?" before going off.

nah its ok, you didnt make a fool of yourself, so long as you have reasoning for your answer, and you dont mind sayo pulling apart your answer, analysing it, and arguing every point you make! then it doesnt really mata, does it sayo?

hey, 18 pages is still preet good! and anyway; guns dont kill people, the bullets tearing holes in their bodies do!!! Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned Why don't women fart as much as men? They can't shut their mouth long enough to build up the pressure This man is driving home from work on the M1, and his wife rings him and says Hello dear, am just ringing to tell you to drive home carefully, I have just heard on the radio that some idiot, has been spotted driving on the wrong side of the M1 What do you meen 1 idiot their are bloody hundreds of them !!

The Humane Society has placed up for adoption a lovable cat that was recently removed from the laboratory of a noted physicist. The animal was abused repeatedly, having been exposed to poisonous gas and also being placed in close proximity to radio activity. Cruel experiments like this can not be tolerated. The owner has been charged with numerous counts of animal cruelty. Dr. Schrodinger's cat is recovering nicely, however.

One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the flowing current. Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt. Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.

I joined about 3 or 4 months ago, and I kinda never really added to this page, so I thought i would now, on the recommendation of J'Dona! [name and shame! nah, hope you dont mind, if you do, i can edit it...] Right, onto me, I like all science (except for some biology!) I'm best at physics, but also like chemistry. I am also very much into computers and electronics. Dunno wot else to say, my email is (deleted) And I also use that for MSN, yes yahoo can be used for MSN, feel free to contact me if you so wish... Oh yeah, and my name is Jonathan. But I use 5614, as, dunno, it is my school username, for the school computer network, and it just kinda stuck! I use it for loads of websites! If you ever see a 5614, its probably me! say hi!...

phi for all is hilarious, hes the only thing which keeps this whole thread going! cracks me up every one of his little alien things! i really need to have a chat with you! 5614, from jail! says, "i want more" edit: (i need to have a rest, long sleep, wake up tomorrow and do something fun, yes, i know.)

phi for all, u have funny jokes! u like taking the piss of others in a funny way! do me if u want! i dont mind! it makes me laugh! lol lol lol.... thnx 4 making my day funner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i think that is the most popular thread on this whole site, with 11 pages and over 2,000 views, is there any which even cum close to that:- thanks yt2095, i think he started it