5614

http://cow.math.temple.edu/~cow/cgi-bin/manager Cowculus!

What kind of thing comes under Biophysics??? Like looking at carbon structure of cells? But wouldn't that be Biochemistry? I dunno!

An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg. Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates carefully and produces a carefully ooked egg; and the mathematician lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the previous problem."

This is an old classic:

Appologies for all the >'s they annoy me too, but I'm in a rush.... it's funny and worth it though! There's nothing worse than a doctor's snotty receptionist who insists you >tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know most of us >have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. > >An 86 year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he >approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the >doctor for today?" > >"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. > >The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a >crowded office and say things like that." > >Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. > >The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in >this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong >with your ear or something and then, discussed the >problem further with the doctor in private." > >The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of >others, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited >several minutes and then re-entered. > >The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" > >"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. > >The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken >her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" > >"I can't piss out of it," the man replied. > >The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Simple: Get two wires, attach them to a battery, stick them in water, watch bubbles appear! (for improvement add salt to warm watter, increase voltage, use carbon electrodes to replace the bare wires) Advance: What if we collected the hydrogen given off in the experiment and ignited it? The pressure produced could propel something, maybe some water? The image is self explanatory, basic electrolysis of water is used to make hydorgen and oxygen which is collected as one. An ignitor is used to explode the hydrogen (it needs the oxygen, so remember to keep them both in the same place) and the pressure from the explosion forces the water out of the holes. NB: This is a safe experiment, it's meant for kids! PS. It'd be nice if some others posted experiments that I haven't heard of so I can do em!!!

A guass rifle is a magnetic linear accelerator, they are not normally harmful, esp. home made ones (unless you spend lots of money going to extremes) This website will explain it better than I will!!! http://www.scitoys.com/scitoys/scitoys/magnets/gauss.html NB: They do recommend that you buy the materials from them. I do know some people who have bought from them and it was all fine, no scams or anything. Additionally I've tried making gauss rifles from 'normal' magnets and it's not very good. To get a decent (still totaly safe) speed powerfull magnets are needed. These can be bought in many places though, it doesn't have to be through the website. The website: http://www.scitoys.com/ Is very good, intended for safe for all ages (within reason) 'at home' experiments. Obviously I haven't looked at all the pages, if there are any good ones link below.

I was just reading a website about electrostatics (revision for exams) and there was a 'try this at home'... take a ruler and a few (quite, or very small) pieces of paper then rub the ruler with a jumper sleeve (or that's what I did) then place the ruler just above the small pieces of paper and due to electrostatic charges the paper will jump and be attracted to the ruler. Just thought it was quite cool - you just see it happend and it's like that's why I love physics! Hmmm, if you try very hard you can get the paper to float in between the table and the ruler, but it's very hard! NB: This doesn't work with ALL jumpers... for example if your ruler 'wants' to lose electrons and you jumper does too then electron exchange will not take place and the ruler will not become electrostatically charged.

Subject: math teacher arrested AT NEW YORK's Kennedy airport today, an individual - later discovered to be a public school teacher - was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the U. S. Attorney General disclosed that he believes the man to be a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," he declared. "They seek average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns,' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to argue, there are three sides to every triangle." When asked to comment on the arrest, the President stated, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has shown us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs, who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line." The President warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen, unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor in random facts of vertex." The Attorney General concluded, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens." (Yes it's all a joke -- just in case!)

FTL = faster than light Units: c = speed of light m = mass n = newtons (measure of weight) kg = kilogram (measure of mass) Δ = delta, change in e.g it is 10C outside and warms up to 25C, Δtemperature or change in temperature is 15C G = giga, thousand million M = mega, 1,000,000,000 m = milli, thousandth µ = micro, millionth n = nano, 0.000 000 001 p = pico, 0.000 000 000 001 M, n, p, depends on if you are going by long (billion means a million millions) or short (billion means only a thousand millions) scale.

A bolt of lightning contains enough energy to toast 160,000 pieces of bread. Unfortunately the bolt only takes 1/10,000 of a second – so turning the bread over might prove difficult!!!

That's because they both use vBulletin Why? What is it?

haven't visited this thread for a while, just thought I'd say hello to everyone new, welcome, have fun!

What did the Nuclear Physicist have for lunch? Fission Chips.

also watch my sig... its on a moving cycle of one line jokes... so far: Are cheerios really donught seeds? If swimming is good excercise why are whales so fat? WWED - What Would Einstein Do? You can't teach an old dog nuclear physics (i update those whenever i think of it, which can be a few days or weeks)

just though i'd say that ive found a nice link to loads science cartoons http://www.nearingzero.net/ here's my best 2 from the QM section: Why did the chicken cross the road? (this one is wicked!) Electrostatic charges as some people know Swansont also draws cartoons, here's a link to his site: http://home.netcom.com/~swansont/

LOL' date=' thats quite good..... did your grandma send you that email? [i'](soz dude, you was asking for it )[/i] ps. phi - those adventure of ... are great, thats what i meant when i suggested a new version of the gir stand up... good work - we all luv ya (well, in a sense - and only in a sense!)

applies to members here

always one isnt there?!!! (notice where he is located ) anyhow... welcome.... what do you know about??? like are you school student, PhD whichever physics or what??? (not trying to be rude... just interested!)

also, go to general discussion (or anywhere else where this thread may appear) and you see where it says the number of replies... you can click on that to find out that: (correct at time of posting): phi for all: 217 aommaster: 47 YT2095: 28 cap'n: 25 5614: 25 swansont: 24 Schrodngr's_cat: 23 etc etc (that is a post count for this thread alone) as we (you, me... anyone!) can see, we all owe phi for all for all the good jokes he's posted! thanks dude

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have? Customer: A white one... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button? Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck. Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ... Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry .... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. Customer: Your left or my left? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you? Male customer: Hello... I can't print. Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ... Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have problems printing in red... Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer? Customer: No. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am? Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: And now hit F8. Customer: It's not working. Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly? Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening... -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore. Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer? Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer. Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back. Customer: OK Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you? Customer: Yes Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters? -------------------------------------------------------------------- A customer couldn't get on the internet. Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password? Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it. Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was? Customer: Five stars. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer. -------------------------------------------------------------------- Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears! -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you? Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me? Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem? Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me? -------------------------------------------------------------------- Helpdesk: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

this is a global website, saying your in grade 8 dont really mean much to me as i live in the UK! so feel free not to answer if you fell i may be invading your privacy: but being in grade 8 makes you how old?

you took it the wrng way, its just you have done it for most of the main people on the forums and you have used up loadsa great great lines and ideas... now maybe you can go through all of the forum members again but with something slightly different (eg. adventures of!). i think that people liked it when rather than the "normal" jokes there were ones about specific people we know. really, gir stand ups were great - keep going, but there arent that many well known member that you havent done on for, and rather than doing a 2nd one, a variation would allow you to come up with loads more new funny ideas... plz dont take that the wrong way, all your stuff is very funny, this is just a suggestion for a new thing (which you started!).

thats a good idea, now we've kinda worn off the 'Gir Stand-up's, maybe you could start doing 'adventures of...' that'd be cool! atttached (below) is a funny image about understanding toilet technology:

first up we have our einstein, good and strong: and then in the words of the great man himself: the thread has been given its own symbol/avatar/picture thing