Norman Albers

Here is a fun game: In-house invectives. My favorites are "KISS MY MANTISSA", where you get to hiss in a satisfying way; and "YOUR I/O RATE EXCEEDS YOUR CPU PROCESS" , and "MAY THEY DWELL ASYMPTOTICALLY IN TIME IN A THERMALLY HIGH-ENERGY PLACE!"

I told my friend Wendell Wilson to practice the electron zitterbewegung in front of the mirror, by jostling back and forth and sort of popping up here and there, and to be prepared when his wife calls the whitecoats.

These Schroedinger rabbits are a tough act - some of 'em come out of the hat dead.

Gerber's baby foods were selling poorly in some African region, until some bright person realized that their jar lables uaually show what is inside.Someone here used to say, "I like people, especially the little ones.".

From Ye Olde News: "The biochemist was convicted and sentenced to his own cell".

Respect is the beginning of civilization; sanitation is the cornerstone.

Never forget the three fundamental oxymorons: military intelligence, Irish music, and Congressional oversight.

Many of you will be happy as I to hear that help is now available to people who talk too much. There's an organization called "Onandonanon".

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God." THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

A funny woman walking out the door last week asked, "Why do cowboys all have the same size of balls? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? So they can pull each others' trailers, silly!"

A Higgs boson walks into an Irish town and sees no one around. Finding the people all crowded into the church, he enters and jostles his way down the aisle, at which point the priest ceases the liturgy. "Please don't stop because of me," he says. Answers the priest, "But you are Higgs and are supposed to give mass!"

An Irishman walks into a Scottish inn, and asks the proprietor if she has a meal to offer him. She says, would you like some day-old soup? Yes, he answers. "Then come back tomorrow!"

One of the classical orchestral directors of the mid-20th century had a poor attitude toward women (I think it was Leopold Stokowski) and was said to have baited a player, saying, "Madame, would you sleep with me if I offered a million dollars?" She said she probably would. Then, he offered her $100, to which she indignantly replied, "What do you think I am, a whore?" "We have already established what you are, madame, and now we are haggling over the price." (Don't shoot the messenger!!)

Research has revealed four types of human orgasms: 1) the positive orgasm, "oh yes, it's so good", etc. 2) the religious orgasm, "oh Jesus, Buddha, God", 3) the scatological orgasm, "oh **** **** my ***", etc. and finally, 4) the fake orgasm, "Oh, Gilded".

The 6,400-Angstrom Alpha (N. Hawthorne).........WEST SIDE CULTURAL ANISOTROPY (Leonard Bernstein)...

I watched the owner of the Murphy Cafe showing a new employee (a tall Brunette) how to run the automatic coffee maker. It was plumbed with copper tubing so you didn't have to pour in the water yourself. They carefully went through the measuring of coffee into the filter basket. Then the owner said, "OK, start the coffee cycle." Gloriously water and steam came blowing out all over the hotplate with no pot underneath to catch anything. I gasped and totally lost it over the looks on their faces. No mention had been made of placing the pot. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. PHI, I think you missed your chance. You should have made the checker call for a price check! WWW

A local country guitar player laid me down onstage with this: Why do they (blondes) wear ponytails?????????????????????? To hide the valvestem. Ba-da-boom. My 32 (!) Midwestern cousins will appreciate your humor, Phi!

Let's be careful about the tone of this humor column!!! HERE IS A TRUE STORY: In my last year at Princeton I took complex analysis, taught by a Polish post-doc with a lovely accent. On a certain day he went to the green board, drew an asymptote of a function in the complex plane and said, "This is a simple pole." There was strange three seconds of silence after which we snickered. He did not appreciate this, and repeated, "THIS IS A SIMPLE POLE!!!" We could not contain ourselves, and finally after two more painful seconds he grinned and we laughed our butts off.

1) Epsilon, Oh, Epsilon () 2) Dithering Bytes (Emily Bronte)

When you need to do something crazy from being tired of going nuts, make up book or movie titles that NEVER MADE IT. Give us your best three. Mine: "EXODUST" (Leon Uris); "THE CHARMED, THE STRANGE, AND THE UP-DOWN" (Gell-Mann); "THE BIBLE" (CRC Tables).