Sorry if you have already seen this but this is jokes:

 

The US government has a new website aimed at preparing its citizens for

terrorist attacks. It's another attempt at scare-mongering in the style of

the old "duck and cover" advice of WWII. The funny thing is that these

pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few

interpretations...

 

 

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run...

 

 

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin

Diesel, yell really loud.

 

 

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder

 

 

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it

instead of seeing a doctor.

 

 

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

 

 

The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at

least one(1) armless hand.

 

 

Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead,

dead eyes, run the **** away.

 

 

Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common.

Think about it.

 

 

Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend

to rub their hands together manically.

 

 

If a door is closed, karate chop it open.

 

 

If your building collapses, give yourself a blowjob while waiting to be

rescued.

 

 

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region.

After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile

 

 

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have

mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

 

 

If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close

the window. No one wants to see that shit.

 

 

If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower

in the corner or run like hell.

 

 

If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until

they stop.

 

 

If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.

 

 

If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for

it.

 

 

Do not drive a stations wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.

 

 

A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against

radiation

 

 

Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least

you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.

the 1`st one looks more like "Don`t fart around a naked flame".

 

the Giant Mutation has to be the funniest though

i found the blowjob one to be the funniest

Not everyone`s got a neck like a giraffe... I worry about you sometimes!

That was rather funny. I liked the one about the sheet of plywood+radiation