123rock

Two men meet in a clinic. The first one has a red ring around his penis, the second one has a green one. They're both worried. The first one goes in, comes out and tells the other,"Oh, don't worry, it's nothing." Calmed down, the second one comes in. The doctor tells him,"Hmm,this looks serious." The man immediately got worried and asked the doctor,"What do you mean, that man that just came out said not to worry!?" The doctor said,"Well lipstick is much more different than gonorhea."

This joke is funnier told than read: One man died and when he arrived at St.Paul, St.Paul said,"Hold on, everything checks out fine, but there are new regulations to pass into heaven. You have to spell the word "love"" So the man spelled it correctly, but before he could pass, St.Paul said,"Listen, I'm not allowed to do this, but can you take over me for a minute? I promise, that if you do you will be awarded the infinite gifts of heaven and beyond all your imagination. Much more than the regular people."So the man agreed, and St.Paul added,"And make sure you make the people spell a simple word like "cat", or "dog"" So after a while, the man's wife appears. The man asked her what happened, and she told him that she hit a tree and died on the way from his funeral. Then the man said," Listen I have to make you spell a word correctly. Spell 'Czechoslovakia'.

Once there was a man with no money, a lousy, minimum wage job, no wife, heavy mortgage debts and basically leading a miserable life. Once the man wakes up and hears a voice in his head saying,"Sell your car, sell your house, quit your job, go to Vegas." The man ignored and went to work. The next day the same voice said in the morning,"Sell your house, sell your car, quit your job, go to Vegas." In a much more menacing, louder way that the man barely ignored it and went to work. Finally, on the next day, the voice continued to say the same thing over and over, until the man finally sold his house, his car, quit his job and caught a plane to Vegas with about half a million dollars. When he went outside the airport, the voice said,"Go to Reno." So the man went to Reno. The voice said,"Go to the nearest Roullette table!" The man went to a roulette table. The voice said,"Bet all your money on 3 red!" The man bet all of his money on 3 red. Then the guy threw the ball, and it rolled. After a while, he called,"Black 26!" The voice said,"Oh f*ck!"

A boy and his grandfather went fishing. After an hour, the grandfather unwrapped a great-looking sandwich. The boy asked,"Grampa, can I have some of that sandwich?" The grandfather looked at the boy and asked,"Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?"The boy said no so the grandfather said no. Then after another hour, then grandfather opened a coke. The boy looked thirstily and asked,"Grampa can I please have some coke?" Again the old man asked him the same question and the boy said no. Then after another hour, the boy unwrapped some cookies. Seeing them, the grandfather asked,"Boy, can I have some of them cookies?" The boy asked him,"Is your penis long enough to touch your asshole?" The grandfather said,"Of course it can." and the boy said,"Well go **** yourself, these are my cookies!"

What's faster than the speed of light? A Mexican chasing a quarter.

These were probably mentioned from before, or you guys probably know these two: There was a Jew, an American, and a Mexican that would be awarded a million dollars a piece if they guessed their country when they are blindfolded, but the government people were supposed to ask them what it was and if they guessed it right, then they got home with nothing but the shirts on their backs. So they were walking around the world, when suddenly the Jew said,"This is my country, I know it!" They asked him,"How do you know?Is it the clean air, the sense of freedom, the freshness, the atmosphere, what what what?" The Jew exasperated them until he said "I can smell the bread!" So they let him go with a million bucks in Israel. Then after a while, the American called,"This is my country, I'm sure of it!" Again they asked him how he knew, was it the sense of freedom, the sense of power, authority, progress and after a very long while and he said,"I can smell the smell of money!"Then after an even longer while, the Mexican said,"Um guys I'm pretty sure this is my country." The said,"How do you know? Is it the bread, the money or what?" He said,"Um no, my watch got jacked." --------------------------------------------------- A Jew, a Mexican, and an American's plane's engines ran out of fuel in midair, while they still had a good way to go for the airport. The pilot said,"You guys have throw out some stuff if you want this plane to reach the airport." So the three long argued what to throw. Then finally the Mexican proposed,"How about we all throw what we have most of from our country. That way, none of us will miss anything." So they all agreed. The Jew said,"I will throw out the wine I have, which is so abundant in Israel." He threw out a bottle of wine. Then the Mexican got a big sombrero and said,"I hope that this sombrero goes into the hands of the one who needs it most!" and he threw away the sombrero. Then they all turned around and looked at the American. He didn't have any luggage or anything. All he carried was his clothes. The American said,"I hope that sombrero falls in your hands, because you're gonna need it most." And he pushed the Mexican.

Some more quotes: "I'll moider da bum." - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare "In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is." - Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut "The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense." - Edsgar Dijkstra "The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad." - Salvador Dali "Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws." - Plato "I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it." - John F. Kennedy when asked what is his favorite song "The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'." - unknown "God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh." - Voltaire "Don't be so humble - you are not that great." - Golda Meir

What's the lightest thing in the world? Your penis, because you can lift it with your thought.

When Bill Clinton died in 20 years, he was sent to hell, but since he was so mischevous back in his day, the Devil decided to let him choose his eternal punishment. So they walked together, and the Devil showed ol' Bill Benedict Arnold's punishment. Benedict was pushing a huge boulder all the way up a hill and just when he was about to push it over the top, he kept slipping and the boulder kept rolling. Bill Clinton said no. Then the Devil showed him Adolf Hitler's punishment. Hitler kept swimming a pool with such vigor, but the mouth of a monster sucking the water from behind kept him away from the shore. Clinton said no. Then the Devil brought him to a room with some noises in it. They entered it and saw Osama bin Laden screwing Monica Lewinsky. Clinton quickly said yes. The Devil said,"Monica your time's up."

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead decided to clear their attick of the stuff they had put there over the years. When rummaging, the blonde discovered a mirror which said, "Tell me a lie and I'll make you disappear, tell me the truth and I'll make you rich to the gear" So the brunette tried first. She stood in front of the long, tall mirror, took a good look over herself and said,"I think I'm the tallest girl in the world!" Poof, immediately before their eyes she disappeared out of existence. Then the redhead, from a shock of panic remembered the prize, and went in front of the mirror. She said, "I think I'm the prettiest girl in the world, and i'm lying!"Since the statement contradicted the laws of tautology, half of the redhead disappeared and the other half fell limplessly on the floor. Then the blonde, turned around and asked "what happened?" Seeing that the mocking mirror did not respond, she said," Well I think..." And poof she disappeared.

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde once lost themselves and got stuck in the middle of the Sahara Desert. Fortunately the blonde found a cave and in there they found a magic lamp. They rubbed the lamped when thinking that the dusty inscription on it said money inside, while when they had rubbed it, found out it said geaney inside and a magic geanie appeared in front of them. He said,"You three here before me have freed me from my eternal prison in here which only the rub of the gentlest of hands could have broken!" The blonde giggled."Now,"continued the geaney,"for my gratefulness, I shall award each of you a wish!" So he asked the brunette,"What do you want my dear?"The brunette said,"I want to go home!". "Granted!" said the geaney and the brunette vanished before their eyes.Then he asked the redhead, "What do you want dear?". The redhead did not even hesitate,"I want to go home!" and poof, before you know it she vanished. Then the geaney said,"What do you want dear?" to the blonde. The blonde, seeing how everyone had vanished quickly said,"I miss my friends, I wish they came back!"

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde were stuck on an island. One day the brunette said,"I can't take this anymore. We have endured all sorts of pain, natural disasters, wild animals, hunger, thirst, even though we're in the middle of the ****ing ocean. I'm sick of this ****ing island!" And she grabbed a sharp flint and was about to stab herself in the heart when the redhead called from the palm,"Hey, I think I can see a shore, but it's kinda far away. Maybe we can reach it by swimming, but it looks pretty far away." The brunette immediately scrambled up the palm and saw a small coast about 10-15 miles away. I can do this, she thought. So the brunette set to swim the 15 miles or so. She had swum about 5 miles when she said,"Oh, I can't do this." and she drowned. The redhead said to the blonde,"Look, I can't take this place either. I'd rather see what's on the other side than live here forever!"So the redhead took off swimming. She swam about 10 miles and said,"I can't do it," and drowned. Then finally the blonde decided that she wasn't going to live alone, and started swimming even if it meant death, about 14 and a half miles from where she had started, she saw the other coast about another mile or so, seeing people wave at her, tourists, boats, civilization, and said,"Oh, I can't do this! I just can't" and swam all the way back!

What's dumber than a brunette building a house under water? A blonde trying to burn it down.