drz

MAD, not sure if that was a personal story or not, I've gone through a very similar situation with my grandfather. Its been over a year and a half since he passed away, and I still get letters from his banks, insurance, even credit card companys offering him a $20,000 credit line. The trick about these companys, and the letters sent to them prove, is that they have poor intercompany communication. I personally made copies of my GF's death certificate, mailed the ones to out of state companys, and personally delivered to the locals. It still doesn't stop them. I really liked the one from the pyschic, thats too funny. as to my joke, well, I tell you a personal story from this weekend. I walked into a shelf, galged myself in the eye with this stupid little piece of metal. It was in my new home, and the shelf was just in a bad location in the hallway. To make matters worse, it was dark, I just woke up to use the restroom. Anyhow, when jerking away from the shelf, I head-butted the wall, then turned and hit my funny bone on the corner. Needless to say, I'm in alot of pain today, but atleast I can appreciate the humour in it. I am the 4th stooge.

There's a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy--Johnny. The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Bush fan." The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Bush fan?" Johnny says, "I'm a John F. Kerry fan." The teacher asks why he's a Kerry fan. The boy says, "Well, my mom's a Kerry fan, and my Dad's a Kerry fan, so I'm a Kerry fan!" The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, "What if you're Mom was a moron, and you're dad was an idiot, what would that make you?" Johnny says, "That would make me a Bush fan."

A scientist gets on a train to go to New York. His cabin also has a poor farmer in it. To pass the time the scientist decides to play a game with the guy. "I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong, you have to pay me 1 dollar. Then you ask me a question, and if I get it wrong, you get 10 dollars. You ask me a question first." The farmer thinks for a while. "I know. What has three legs, takes 10 hours to climb up a palm tree, and 10 seconds to get back down?" The scientist is confused and thinks long and hard about the question. Finally, the train ride is coming to an end. As it pulls into the station, the scientist takes out 10 dollars and gives it to the farmer. "I don't know. What has 3 legs, takes 10 hours to get up a palm tree and 10 seconds to get back down?" The farmer takes the 10 dollars and puts it into his pocket. He then takes out 1 dollar and hands it to the scientist. "I don't know." _ Thought I'd try to make up for butchering my last one

Aww, I remember a good one, hopefull enough to tell the joke without ruining it. There was a man from Texas on a business trip in New York. He had to get sized for a suit, so stopped by a nearby tailor. The woman who was measuring him was shocked by the length of the mans arm, and then thickness of his neck. She says "Well, I had always heard everything is bigger in texas!". She continued to measure him, checking his waste, and, as she went to measure his inseem, curiousity got the best of her and she just had to ask "Sir, just how large is your member?" To which the texan responded "2 inches..". She was shocked and interupted him, and said "I guess not everything is bigger in texas" to which he responded "no, you cut me off, its 2 inches, from the floor." I think I messed the joke up, maybe someone will remember the proper version of it, its quite funny when told right.

someone told the joke: Two men walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would have been smart enough to duck. Well, To women walked into a bar. And they say women are smarter then men.

Two rednecks, GW and Jeb, were riding along in GW's truck one day. GW pulled off the road and stopped. GW pointing, said "Right down yawnder is where I first had sex!" Jeb replied "Really, how was it?" GW says "Oh, well it was great til I notice her mom was right behind me" Jeb says "Oh hell, what did she have to say about that? GW says "BAAAA" ___ A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" The boy asked. "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door and hobbles to the elevator. She presses the button with her cain, waits for the doors to open and gets in. The father and son, still amazed by this contraption, continue to watch. They hear a ping noise and the doors open again. Out steps a beautiful 20 year old busty blonde. The father looks at his son and says "Go get your Maw !"

There was this fly. He was buzzing around over the top of a pond. There was a fish watching the fly, hoping it would drop six inches so he could jump up and eat it. There was a bear, watching the fish, hoping the fly would drop six inches so the fish would jump to eat it and the bear could swipe the fish out the water. There was a hunter, watching the bear hoping the fly would drop, the fish would jump, causing the bear to move out into a clear shot. There was a cat watching all this go down, hoping to steal the hunters sandwich when he went to retrieve the bear. So, the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped in the air to catch it, the bear swiped the fish up, and the hunter fired. The loud sound from the gun startled the cat, causing him to jump into the pond. The moral of the story: When the fly drops six inches the pussy gets wet.

A blonde, brunette and redhead were all pregnant and visiting the doctor. While waiting to see the doctor, the brunnete says "I'm going to have a girl because I was on top when I conceived." The redhead says "well , that means I'm going to have a boy, because I was on the bottom." About this time, the blonde bursts into tears "Oh no, that means I'm going to have puppies".

A guy was speeding down the road one night at 90 mph. A state trooper pulled him over. He asked for the guys license, and notice he was a doctor. So the state trooper asked him what kind of doctor he was. The guy replied "a Proctologist. I bend people over a table, and have a tool that can stretch an asshole a few inches, or up to six feet." The state trooper, puzzled, asks the guy "What in the world do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" The Doctor replied, "Give him a hat and a gun and call him a state trooper."

lol, nice ones. Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? He doesn't want anyone to know he's been screwing chickens.

that sad part, this is pretty much true

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra. The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?" The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep." The man says, "And the Viagra?" "Keeps him from falling out of bed." ____ An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.

There was a horse and a chicken who lived on a farm together for many years. Over time they became close friends. They loved walking through the forest together. On one of these trips, the horse stumbled into a pit of quicksand. He pleaded for the chicken to run and have the farmer pull him out with his tractor. So the chicken makes it back to the farm, but to his dismay finds the farmer had left on the tractor to make his monthly trip to town. However, the farmer, being quite succesfull had a brand new BMW Z3, and the chicken though "Well, this is an emergency, and the horse is my best friend. So he hops in the car, drives to the horse, tosses a rope out and pulls the horse to safety. Some months later the duo decides to venture into the forest again. This time, the chicken stumbles into the quicksand. He pleads with the horse to get the farmer, but the horse simply tells the chicken "I'm going to straddle the puddle and lower my penis down, so all you have to do is grab hold and I'll pull you out. The horse does this, and pulls the chicken to safety. They live happily ever after. The moral of the story: You don't need a Bmw to pick up chicks when your hung like a horse.

Wow, I just read this entire thread, my stomach is killing me from laughing so much. I seen a few oldies, but most of the jokes are awesome. We could almost make a book of jokes out of this thread. Anyhow, my lil contribution: Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man, and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "Ah, yes." Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention": 1: There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2: It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3: Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4: The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust. 5: The maintenance costs are outrageous. "Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial Super Computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."