Mad Mardigan

I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch. Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from the local auto shop and try to repair it myself?

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Little Johnny to the principal's office. While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Little Johnny: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Little Johnny: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Little Johnny both agree. Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Little Johnny: "Legs" Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!) Little Johnny: "Pockets" Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Little Johnny: "Pants" Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Coconut" Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Little Johnny: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...) Little Johnny: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some '"Who am I" sort of questions, okay?" Little Johnny: "Yup" Teacher: you blow me, you feel good" Little Johnny: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver" Little Johnny: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofexcitement?" Little Johnny: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself.

A man and 3 ducks walk into a bar, the bartender doesnt say anything to the man about the ducks because he is used to seeing unusual things. After a couple of rounds the man goes to the restroom, so the bartender goes to the first duck. Bartender says, "so how are you doing and whats your name?" #1 Duck replies," my name is Huey, and todays been a great day, been in out of puddles all day, cant complain." Bartender goes to the next duck. Bartender asks, "whats your name, and how was your day?" #2 duck replies, "Great day, been in out of puddles all day, cant complain, my name is Duey by the way." Bartender goes the last duck. Bartender says,"let me guess you, you are Luey." Duck #3 says, "no, my name is Puddles, and dont get me started about my day."

Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in Orlando. My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address. Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really, since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more. You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months, mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to con tact him anyway. The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank. Dear Mr. Hanson, Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your monthly $28.00 service charge from you account. Please adjust your records accordingly. Sincerely, The Phoenix Branch Dear Phoenix Branch, This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02, 1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his account. Please close his account, and adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hanson Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company. Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his death. Dear Mr. Hanson, It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your coverage, you must send $54.17 to this office immediately. Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy, and interruption of your coverage. Sincerely, Your Insurance Agent Dear Insurance Agent, This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hanson. The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this: Dear Mr. Hanson, Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity. Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are coming your way. Sincerely, Your Psychic Reader Dear Psychic Reader, My father regrets he will be unable to call you 900 number. As a psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and had been for more than three weeks when you mailed your letter to him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him personally. Sincerely, Scott Hanson P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future, please ask him if he'd like to renew his car insurance. A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived: Dear Mr. Hanson, Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving all of your future borrowing needs. Sincerely, Your Bank's San Diego District Office Dear San Diego District Office, I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well, don't hold your breath. Sincerely, Scott Hanson Dear Mr. Hanson, Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent. Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take legal action to collect the debt. Sincerely, Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency Dear Collection Agency, I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hanson A few more months, and: Dear Mr. Hanson, Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a collection agency. Such action will adversely affect your credit history. Sincerely, Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office Dear Los Angeles Regional Office, I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in January. Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit history. It should come as no surprise that you have received little response from my deceased father. It should also be small news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now. For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books accordingly. Sincerely, Scott Hanson Dear Mr. Hanson, This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent. If our firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence legal action on the matter. Please contact us at once. Sincerely, Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency, You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number. Sincerely, Scott Hanson It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms. Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is Dead, or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence. Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business correspondence in its proper perspective. Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post office there