makiwa

Bondage and domination are a game. Think of it as extended foreplay. I regard myself as a competent lover, and what keeps things interesting in the bedroom, is what keeps things interesting in the bedroom. I have made many women happy there and others unhappy. However EVERY single last one of them without exception has come back for more. Now, lets be straight about this. I love sex, and roughly 60%, or more, of the sex that I have is "straight" with no deviances. Loving and intimate. What I am not capable of is the "wham bam thank you ma'am" type. If it isn't coupled with extended intimacy then I might as well be playing with myself. I am a "bottom" by choice, but I assume the "top" role nearly as frequently just to change it up a bit. Almost without exception (there was one, but only one in all my encounters who didn't fall into this category), all my lovers needed to be trained to some greater or lessser degree. If only to align them with me, and to align me with them. This is a slow and careful process if it is to be done correctly and not rely solely on some animal instinct or have damaging or unpredictable results. My current wife has primarily assumed the dominant role because I have taught her how to do it and because, in her words, it turns her on to see me get turned on. We play off of each other. Making love to a sack of potatoes is no fun. I could carry on this discourse forever, but I shan't as it could get tedious. However, I shall make brief comment on the submissive role and the role of pain within it. Then I'll keep an eye on this forum, and I'll be glad to arise from my repose in order to address further commentary on this topic. Let me start again. I trained my current wife to take her role, and she has never experimented with deviant sex before me. We use deviant sex as a supplement to more orthodox methods. While I am perfectly capable of making love missionary style, I am incapable of settling for a wham bam thank you ma'am approach. If I make love it's an event. I live for bedroom time and if it's not prolonged, then I'd sooner do without, and I am not beyond pleasuring myself to see my way through a dry spell. I have learned that bondage and domination serve a wonderful purpose in the bedroom as a supplement to more orthodox methods. They keep the act fresh and very much alive. They establish an almost drug like addiction through heightening the entire sexual experience. (endorphins) I fantasize, and I love it. It stretches the imagination and constantly gives me something to look forward to. These fantasies rarely materialize in the form originally envisioned. I respect that one might never be a "bottom" but there are instances where, with time and care, I think I could get almost anyone to take a submissive role. This does heighten the experience. Allow me to make some examples. A simple blindfold creates a world of the unexpected. No touch is adequately anticipated. Every touch is anticipated. Waiting mere seconds for the next, feels like an eternity. Every touch is a surprise. After a very short period - 10 minutes for me. - the other senses kick in. Touch, hearing, smell, taste, all take on a new life and become a never before realized focus. In a short period, I'll be able to track movements in the room through aroma, through body heat, even through the breezes that movements might create. Light binding, such as wrapping in a sheet, would initially probably frighten a beginner. But it heightens the experience and it a relatively non-threatening method to start with, for a beginner. It would prevent the "sub" from touching me. This frustration tends to feel like foreplay extended right through the act. It would allow me to ravage the "sub", but without direct skin on skin contact. It would allow sexual intimacy but prohibit penetration. But b&d brings out out ability to place trust in our partner in a manner that we do not have opportunity to experience anywhere else. One must trust that although we may hurt, we will never harm. to this end, b&d must always be safe. A safe-word and a signal must be established and be second nature to both partners. It must be used whenever it is deemed appropriate and the other partner must be instantaneous in their reaction to it. That reaction should not be "unwind everything that has gone before", but instead "Stop what you are doing. Let's pause and think about the next step". I not uncommonly desire more that I can bear, and will use the safe word to catch my breath before moving on. Rarely do I request an "unwind" or say that I simply cannot go on. I try constantly to press for new heights. The variations are endless, and the temptation to redo what has done before is ever present, so progress to new things, new sexual adventures, by their very nature, tends to be slow. While I believe that I can be an excellent "top" because I think that I am sensitive to my partners needs by understanding my own, that doesn't make me mean, nor does it make me soft. I revel in being a "bottom" and being totally restrained, so that I am incapable of movement. Where my partner has total control and can use me as if I was just a household appliance. Or where my partner directs me with the sole intent of satisfying herself. Most good couples do at least this, but usually fail to communicate their desires effectively or be single minded enough to drive their partner to what they want. This leaves both partners frustrated and dissatisfied. Most couples are too scared to communicate effectively in one area where effective communication is most essential. No wonder sex-lives die. This is a goal that I have constantly strived for and never had a partner who could totally commit. There seems to be some mental barrier that prohibits my partners from confessing their deepest desires. I have several that have come very, very close, but none have been willing to open up 100%. This may be a personal thing, some resistance particular to me, or gender specific. My range of experience has not provided me with enough observations to support a hypothesis. There are rules that pertain. For instance, if I am the bottom, then I am only allowed to address the top as Ma'am. mistress etc, No first names are allowed during any controlling phase without permission, as this detracts from the authority of the top. Similarly, the top should not address the bottom by any endearing terms or by their first name unless the goal is to sever that authority. There are times for that. B&d is a vehicle to enhance the experience. Not to supersede it. The top is not responsible for dreaming up all the scenarios. The tops' role is to see that he/she is totally satisfied and that the bottom never gets exactly what they want. There is a common joke about this, but there is a measure of truth to it too. For instance, the top could ask what the bottom wants. For simplicity, lets call you top, and me bottom. I would then tell you, in no uncertain terms, my current fantasy. Your role, if you chose to use my fantasy, and there's nothing compelling you to do that, as your fantasies are every bit as important as mine, would be to ensure that I never get exactly what I want. You may give me less and leave me begging for more. Or you may elect to drive me past what I initially intended, into an area that may be considered within my head and yours, as taboo. Example: I might be requesting to lick you and then penetrate you. Simple enough: But so many variations on that theme are possible. You might allow me but the briefest touch of my tongue and then not again. Thus making me crazy as I came so tantalizingly close to what I asked for. You might force* me to lick you to orgasm, thus psychologically robbing me of idea that your orgasm would be caused by my penetration, and only by my penetration. You might, restrain me in a chastity device, thus preventing my erection, but satisfying yourself nonetheless. You might deny me altogether. At the extreme end of the scale you might compel me to penetrate you first and then clean you afterwards with my tongue (this is known a fletching - look it up on urbandictionary.com).This last act is definitely seen as taboo, but is not as weird as one might think, as it's just turning a "blowjob" on it's head and delivering the 'product" back to the producer. Whatever transpires, it should stem from a fantasy and lead to others. Partners absolutely have to share their fantasies. Their deepest darkest desires, and never discount them, but merely play into them as they see fit, to some lesser or greater degree. The force* that I mentioned earlier is a relative term. If the bottom doesn't want to be forced into anything, the safe word can quickly emerge. On the other hand, force could include (in that particular instance) smothering or even a few light strikes with a whip. If it's more than the bottom can take, then the safe word is used, and the scenario reconsidered. The use of pain: Pain is delicious to me. It can be a punishment, a reward, or even in itself a goal or a means to something else. To me it is the ultimate commitment that I can make to my partner. Lets explore. Punishment. Premature ejacuation - at least premature as far as my partner is concerned, or maybe as far as I am concerned. Punishment through pain or distress (talk about distress later) can train the bottom to behave and react as intended. I know of couples where he can literally ejaculate on her command. Without a single touch. Or not ejaculate no matter how much he wants to, without her instruction or permission. Pavlov – stick that in your pipe and smoke it. The power that he has granted to her, over him, is immense. What is sexier than that? And believe me when I say that he has granted that power to her. She didn’t take it, without his consent. Pain as a reward: Sometimes the bottom wants to do something but their pschycie (sic) tells them that it is taboo. Once they perform the act they can be rewarded with light pain. This reinforces that it is taboo, but hasn't prohibited them from doing it. They will move forward wanting to be doing that again, and expect, even request punishment for doing something that is so inherently naughty. Finally my favorite: pain as a vehicle. If I can experience excruciating pain and yet continue to pleasure my partner, then I have shown my commitment to her pleasure and satisfaction. I am willing, even eager, to satisfy her no matter how hard it may be for me. If I can experience pain and yet orgasm myself, through the pain, that is a clear display of how irresistible she is to me. I know this seems all a little twisted and demented, but the psychology is 100% sound. The bonds that are formed during this are so intimate, and so powerful, that no equivalent exists within our culture. This is an exhibition, perhaps the ultimate expression, of trust. And trust is a cornerstone for any lasting relationship. Let me cover distress quickly. This is typically expressed by creating an expectation, and then not fulfilling it. For instance (me as bottom) in a blindfold and strapped to a bed, or a chair. She drives me to erection and perhaps herself to an orgasm, And then stops. Perhaps even leaves the room, Watches tv, reads a book, has a cup of coffee, and leaves me right where I am. On occasion she might brush by just so that I know that she is still there and INTENTIONALLY ignoring me. Intentionally not giving me what she knows, as that stage, I so desperately want. She might repeat this process more than once. Net result, she has me begging her for relief. Begging her to allow me inside her. Lusting for her to the point of dementia. Should someone wish, as I said before, to continue this thread, I’ll be glad to oblige. One final note, before I adjourn from this colloquy. True “sexiness” is in the head. Rampant lust might be hormone driven, but typically lacks sustainability. We, as creatures who have risen above base instinct, are endowed with the ability to use sex for fun. We so often stop having sex because it is no longer fun. The intellect provides for us, the ability to extend that fun relentlessly, and I’d hope remorselessly, until we drain our imaginations.