I am an Indian science student diagnosed with early onset schizophrenia. I turned eighteen last 21st December. I was deeply fascinated by science ever since it was introduced to us. Let's just say I got almost perfect grades -- I wasn't from a top-tier school, but still I almost always topped the class up till my psychosis became extreme and started affecting my cognition -- And now, my schizophrenia has become obvious. That means although I am a teenager, I am not enjoying life like my peers do. I am not saying "Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh my life's ruined" because, well, no girl talks to me -- which is quite embarrassing -- I find pleasure in mundane things like getting decent grades and having conversation with friends. I am a male, and while it's true I have a deep interest to be a normal and socialize and get girls and all, my cognition has limited what I can do and I cannot. Girls will almost always prefer guys who are fitter than me, or well, whose cognition hasn't been affected. This makes me a bit depressed.
Now my aim is to make the world a better place with the help of science. I get decent grades -- not decent enough to get in med school, although -- and I want to get a doctorate in biomedical sciences. My current professors are very supportive and they'll be always there to guide me. Now, I just wanted to tell that I cannot become a doctor, that's what my psychiatrist told me vaguely. Although he did tell me I can become a scientist. I am not that much interested in pure sciences as much as I am interested in medicine. So I have two plans, plan A to become a doctor (I am eligible for the medical entrance exam) and plan B to become a biomedical scientist and research on diseases. However, there are two things I'd like to ask.
1) As initially I wanted to be a doctor, I feel like I've failed to make the world a better place already. I know how it's like to be ill, and I wouldn't want any ill person to go through the fight for their life alone. Many doctors think only about themselves and not about their patients, I'd love to be one of those doctors who makes their patient's life worth living. That's what I currently imagine how "it could have been" if I was healthy. I am trying to say, I want to be a doctor but I cannot due to my relative bad cognition. I feel like a failure. If I "forget about it" and move on, I'll feel I will never live my life to the fullest.
2) Will I be able to say, help people if I become a scientist as much as I would if I become a doctor? I am a bit obsessed with being helpful, and thus enjoying my own life (giving a purpose to it) while doing something good. All I know is that there is much research going on in medicine, but there isn't any progress in say discovering drugs for ALS. I want to save lives, I want to help the disabled, because I know it's damn hard to live being looked down upon as a lesser human being. I want to help in discovering effective treatments for say neuropsychological disorders. Perhaps for genetic diseases. Just because nothing about me is right, I cannot enjoy life as I see my classmates enjoying, I wouldn't want someone to have a similar life like mine. Or at least a social life like mine.
Here the grading system differs from university to university, but I got an A in zoology the first semester (now I am in the second semester.) I plan to have zoology as my subject I'll be studying at third year. My professors have told me they'll provide me all the help necessary, including proper advise. Here if I get good grades in my entire BSc course, I could get admitted in very reputational science education and research institutions if I give the entrance exam and pass it with flying colors as well. That's what I want. But am I making a right decision by ignoring the chance of getting into med school and eventually become a doctor and help people? I am much more interested and competent in medical subjects (like say human physiology which was compulsory in my junior years) than the current syllabus of fish and other animals. Let's just say if it's anthropology, I am very competent and hard working at it.
However the catch is that I am also mentally ill and depressed and anxious. Very severely mentally ill when I think about it, I am able to write like this only after maintaining my cool. If I don't make a difference in this world, I'll probably die due to self-harm and suicide attempts. Perhaps it's my Messiah complex. I don't know, I am just very lonely and I am like Elliot Alderson from Mr.Robot. I even keep my hair like him. Anyway, this thread is asking for advice and it's already long enough.