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Lepton (1/13)



  1. What’s the difference between living and existing? I sit here thinking about life. Contemplating why I am even here? What is my purpose? I am not religious or will I ever be religious, to believe that there is a man or a “thing” in the sky watching over every single one of us at once, is ridiculous. Thousands of people are being raped, murdered, emotionally and physically abused every single day, but it’s ok! God works in mysterious and wonderful ways! And he loves us! Anyone that believes anything written in holy books is just another enslaved zombie to the church or whatever religion you may come from. I don’t rule out that there was a creator of this universe we all live in, but I sure do not believe the crap people believe, such as Jesus walked on water and was reborn and flew into the heavens. Don’t make me puke. Religion was not my original topic, but I got side tracked and it really pissed me off. I am looking for a reply from someone that can help me. I am not looking for criticism or an argument with anyone. Even though I am a stubborn and arrogant young man. I rightfully know it and I don’t care. I can be lazy but determind. I have no family, by that I mean we don’t speak. I haven’t seen my mother in 3 years and I don’t even look at my father in the face when I talk to him. This is just a bit of background to introduce you to me to maybe help figure out a solution. I have no skills. I am 20 years old, I have no talents, no work experience and no interest in making bonds with my parents. The other day I took some math’s test and gave myself a migraine, yes that’s how weak my brain is. I cheated my way through school and doubt I will pass my exams to get into university. I care for only one person on this earth, which is my girlfriend. She is amazing and loves me even though I’m such a lost and stubborn person (Side note, she’s catholic). She tries to make me become catholic, but truly I will never believe in god. I don’t know what I am really getting at here but the point is, why are people happy? I know people that just care about going out and getting drunk or people that are just looking for their next chick to bang, which in turn forever hurts them leading them into a loop of abuse and being used. Disgusting brainless monkeys is the correct term for those people. I see people that to me, have the intelligence and ambition of a fucking pea, yet are still happy and content with their crappy and petty lives. The sad part is that a lot of those retards are even smarter than me in many ways. So why me? Why am I never happy? Why are people so content? Why are they so happy just to do petty and meaningless things for the rest of their lives? Where is the ambition? By the way, I am not ungrateful, I appreciate where I am today, a decent house, warm food, a girlfriend, technology. This is about happiness. Another thing that really bothers me is my skills. So I play games, right? I know I am better than many people at the games I play, which I fucking slave hard at if I do say so myself! It’s sad to say that I will never be good at them. I will never be considered more than average or just an above average player. That’s saddening to me. I am just not content, I strive for so much more. My hobbies are kind of irrelevant to this rant but I thought it kind of links in with my happiness. I don’t really know what I enjoy that is the main problem. Will I ever enjoy anything? Will I ever achieve something? I don’t enjoy sports, I don’t enjoy art or dancing, I literally just play games to pass time by, in my meaningless and useless life. I don’t know what makes me happy. I am not good at anything. But I will not settle for a mediocre and dull, repetitive life. I straight up refuse. I am very lost and in seek of guidance. I don’t care about money or fame, I just need to do something, something not meaningless, and something that has an impact. I want to exist, not live.
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